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Hey Everyone. I've finally realized that I cannot do this alone. I have a husband who abuses alcohol and two small children who witness it. He doesn't become violent with us or anyone else, but I'm sick and tired of dealing with his hangovers... not to mention the waste of money on booze. He drinks 6 out of 7 if not all 7 days of the week. On the weekends he binges and stays out all night. He's not drinking and driving, he's usually down the street at a neighbor's house. Problem being he's out all night while being married with two small children. So the next day he spends in bed and the kids get yelled at for making noise and they are also sad that dad is home and not spending time with them. I finally lost my shit on him Friday night. I convinced him to get some rest b/c of the easter activities on Sat. morning. So, he came to bed at 130am, only to get back up at 2am and go party next door. I walked outside to see what was up and remind him again that the children were counting on him sat. morning. I turned around to come inside and that is when he called me a name. I walked straight up to him and slapped his face. I've never done this before and feel horrible about it. Needless to say, he stayed out ALL NIGHT LONG, came in at 830am took a shower and went to the easter activites with us. Then he slept the remainder of the day. I'm at a loss. He has spun me into a deep state of depression and I don't know who to turn to. I love this man with all my heart, but I'm just torn and sad, my heart is broken. He refuses to see or admit that what he is doing is hurting him and us. Since that night, he's not been sleeping in our bed. He's been very mean to me. I made my amends and apologized for the slap in the face.. that should've never happened, but i was just over-flowing with 'fed up' i suppose. I've never been involved in a program like this, infact i didn't know something like this existed until a good friend told me about it. I'm still looking around and trying to find the FAQs someone spoke of in another post. I plan on attending the nightly meetings. I also plan on getting myself some help through my doctor for my depression and possibly counseling. I'm just trying to prepare myself for the worst. Thanks for having me.
Hi... and welcome to MIP... the FAQ's are at the very top of our board here, posted by David.... Please try to be kind to yourself.... living with active alcoholism is too much for most of us, and WE need help in doing so.... Trying to handle it on your own, without much support - leads to incidents like what happened with your hubby the other night.... you simply reached a "breaking point" for you, and that is nothing to be ashamed about....He is sick in his disease right now, and if he's anything like my ex, he will use that incident over and over again as a justification for inappropriate behavior on his part.... There is an old saying in Al-Anon, that "I did the best I could with what I knew at the time", and it is certainly applicable here.....
Alcoholics are master manipulators at turning the focus away from themselves and their addiction..... I would encourage you to read, post, and go to Al-Anon meetings wherever possible.... One book I always recommend is "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. That book was a virtual lifesave for me, and taught me soooo much.
Take care of you, and keep coming back...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, wisdom, strength and humor (good for the ). Many have been right where you are now. You are not alone in this journey. It's good you have found us and plan on attending meetings. Alanon saves lives.
None of this is your fault nor the childrens'. He has a disease which is prgressive. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. Having said that, there is something you can do about your life. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life. It's about living the life you so richly deserve. Take no prisoners when it comes to your recovery. Alanon will help you make choices that are in your best interests and your family's. The more you know about this disease, the better off you will be. Please keep coming back to us. Join us for online meetings as well open chat. You are always welcome. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
-- Edited by Karilynn at 12:40, 2008-03-25
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Welcome: I am in my fourth year in this group. I consider it my home. I am here day in day out. I never regret for one second finding this group. I am glad you are focusing on you.
LL, I, too, slapped my AH and felt that this along with persistent thoughts of his death/killing him made me realize that I had hit rock bottom. I tried so hard to control his behavior- mostly his verbal, emotional and eventually physical abuse. I was completely insane.
I found al-anon and have been separated from him for 2 years. At one point I honestly thought it would be best if I spent the rest of my life in prison for murder/self-defense instead of getting help for myself. Only my higher power saved me and got me out of there in time before I did something horrible that I would regret for the rest of my life. Without this program, I would be in prison right now. instead I am just finishing up a graduate degree at university.
Domestic violence does escalate and it begins with verbal and emotional abuse, moves into things like slapping, etc and continues to escalate. Congrats on coming here, getting some help, admitting that you have a problem and learning as much as you can about the family disease of alcoholism which affects all of you. Its a whole system of dysfunction that is horribly tragic but it can be managed via a program of recovery for all involved. It cannot be cured. it cannot be controlled and you did not cause it. But the 4th c is that we can contribute to it which is where we can choose the power to regain control of ourselves, our choices, our actions and our attitudes. We are the only one we have any control over in this world, no one else.
Please keep coming back and look into face to face al-anon meetings in your area. Hugs, J.
This is a great starting point, but I'm glad, too, that you're going to get yourself to some face-to-face meetings. Attend as many as you can in the next week, and maybe even pick up some literature if you can.
Also an admitted slapper... I have been there, I think most of us have been right where you are now. Just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Post a lot, read a lot and get to face to face meetings in your area if you can! WELCOME!
A slap? I chased mine down the stairs with a rake! LOL! He was alot bigger than me otherwise I might have just drop kicked his butt!
I am so glad you found this site and are willing to go to meetings. This program has saved my life. I love this board as it is always here 24/7 and full of love and support and wisdom. Just keep comming and posting and learning. Your life will get better!
I've been there and still am in many ways. I "lost my "xxxx" on my AH this past Saturday. I walked the streets for hours, and I just kept repeating to myself "If I do what I've always done, I'll get what I've always got." It was like a prayer, 'cause truthfully I didn't know what to do different. But it was also calming, and maybe just that was the little something different that will keep me on a different path.
I guess it SHOULDN'T be funny - violence is violence. But the rake story definitely drew a snicker from me.
I'm glad that my AH hasn't pushed me to the point of direct violence to him. Oh, he's managed some pretty LOUD yelling and screaming from me and slamming of doors. But that's it.
Now... my ex, on the other hand... I'd throw stuff at him. But part of the thing was is he'd upset me, and then he wouldn't leave me alone afterwards. He' literally corner me trying to "calm me down" after upsetting me, and all I wanted was to just GET AWAY from him. So, I'd throw stuff at him. Sometimes I'd be at least somewhat attached to reality and I'd throw things like pillows or wadded up socks, but there were a couple times I chose something MUCH heavier.
It scared me how those reactions erupted from me like that.
I'm still eternally grateful I'm not in THAT relationship. And I'm grateful that my AH doesn't inspire that kind of violence from me - but I think it helps, too, in that since we've known each other, he made it VERY clear that he will NOT accept physical violence - against him nor against me. That very clear boundary he set sticks with me when I get upset to the point of irrationality, it's what prevents me from throwing things.
Again Welcome to our family at MIP. I too have actually "beat" my AH, so badly that I had bruises up and down both of my arms. He however was totally unphased by it. That was over 20 years ago. How I wish I had found some help in AlAnon back then.
I urge you to get to meetings. There you will learn that nothing you can do will change him, but you can change the way that you react to him. Also I recommend the book "Getting Them Sober, You can Help" by Toby Rice Drews.
I have also learned that the way I react can affect the outcome of a situation. I can either add fuel to the fire, or I can put the fire out by my reaction to the situation.
Keep coming back.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Welcome to Miracles in Progress! You are already on the right path and I hope you'll keep coming. This forum is amazing. We have online meetings as well.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Hello: Well rage was is a huge issue in my last relationship. I got pushed to the edge a lot. I think its pretty important to acknowledge when you are on the edge. Right now I'm on a different kind of edge the new edge being survival.
I hope you can find solace here. I have. I really do love being in recovery. I find it one of the most important areas in my life.
Here you will find great experience, hope, wisdom, strength and humor (good for the 
). Many have been right where you are now. You are not alone in this journey. It's good you have found us and plan on attending meetings. Alanon saves lives.
