The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm happy I finally got a Sponsor, and I'm happy with the Sponsor I chose. She's like a ray of sunshine. She just has this aura of positivity about her that I really admire and hope to have for myself. At the same time, she's not just this bubbly "nothing's ever wrong" kind of person, though, either. When she shares, she speaks volumes and it really makes me THINK.
In any case, we met for tea after work on Friday and I sat down and told her my whole story. The emails I found that my AH had sent out which revealed his sexual identity issues to me. His vehement denial of it and attempts to try to make me feel like I was the crazy person in all of this. My refusal to hop on that crazy train and my telling him "I CANNOT DENY WHAT I SAW. I am your friend, and I wish you'd just come clean to me!". His despair that I refused to believe his fabrications and therefore his descent into trying to kill himself. His accident after his suicide attempt failed. My picking him up from the hospital after the police were done questioning him and drawing his blood. His telling me "I have a problem with alcohol. I need help. I need to go to AA meetings." and then his admitting to me he was indulging in a "weird fantasy" with the male/male emails/text messaging/phone calls. MY mistake in telling him "If you drink again, I'll leave." (it was my mistake because I was not sure I wanted to leave). His then turning his focus on staying sober for his benefit to it being a condition he was expected to meet in order to maintain our marriage. His anger at me over it. My realization that what I'd told him was my still trying to control the disease and my releasing him of that threat.
Whew. Yeah, it was a long meeting. :)
So we talked about my story and then talked about some of our co-dependency traits. She related to me with her husband on certain levels. We started recognizing what parallels we have in our lives that we could use to help each other with our recoveries.
And then she gave me a list. A long list of things I need to try to work on every single day. And I LOVE it. I crave structure, and this is what I need. The list includes daily reading of Al-anon materials. Setting aside time daily to connect with my HP through prayer and/or meditation. Suggestions to attend "X" amount of meetings a week, and of those meetings, try to make at least one an AA meeting. Even some of the reading is AA's big book and 12 steps and 12 traditions book.
We arranged a schedule for daily phone calls for the next 30 days.
And one of the things I loved the most on her list was along the lines of "Call me any time you're butt is on fire! DON'T make any major life-changing decisions without calling me first. Let's sit and talk and figure out what's going on before you make any huge decisions."
I liked that a lot, because I know when I'm pulled under by my own illness that I can start to make snap decisions about things - decisions that don't always help me.
Anyhow, this morning was my first phone call with her, and I had plenty to share.
Last night I checked my AH's email again and found some kind of email from an internet dating site.
WOOSH! All the emotions and anger and fears and doubts come pouring back to me.
Was that email just SPAM? If it wasn't, is he a registered user at this site? If he is, how long ago did he create the account? What if? What if? What if? What if?...
I had a VERY nice Sunday, yesterday up until that point. I read my Al-anon material in the morning. Spent some time praying to my HP and meditating. Was productive in cleaning up the house - felt good about how clean the house was... went to my Sunday women's Al-anon meeting.
All of that positive serenity completely erased when I made the decision to check my AH's email.
And I have to tell you, I know my HP keeps telling me, "Kelly, it was just SPAM." But my little insecure Al-anoner in my head keeps saying "Yeah, but..."
So, I told my sponsor about it this morning, and the first thing she asked me was "How'd you get to the point of taking that path last night after you had a great day?"
It took me a while to reflect back, but then I remembered - I'd come home from my Al-anon meeting, and my AH had been doing laundry and had his clean clothes spread out all over the living room floor. He got tired early on and when I asked him if he could pick up his clothes before going to bed, he just grumbled "I'll do it tomorrow morning!"
That was it.
That was all it took to undo my day. I was unhappy. Unhappy that I'd spent the time cleaning the house and making it look nice and my AH came in and dumped his clothes all over my cleanup job and then barked at me when I asked him to pick up his stuff before going to bed.
I got mad. I doubted he'd pick it up in the morning and I didn't want to wake up to a mess in the morning, nor come back home to one if he didn't pick it up. So I picked up his clean clothes, put it in the laundry basket, and put the basket by the bedroom door so the living room was clean again. And the resentment I felt about that was all it took to send me off on the "focus on HIM" tangent. It's what lead me to checking his email.
So, my sponsor then said "I don't normally do this... but I'm going to give you an assignment. You're not allowed to check his emails any more."
You should have heard the moan of despair that came out of my mouth! What a whine!
But she's right. My checking his email just capped off the unraveling of my whole day of serenity. I ruined my day doing that. NOT my AH. ME. I did it.
So this is going to be a monumental task for me, for sure. If I'd never checked his email in the first place, he'd still be drinking, and for all I know, getting much more comfortable "chatting" with the men to the point of his possibly actually hooking up with them in real life.
But the thing is, he could STILL do that. I didn't really stop anything from happening. I just discovered it, is all.
This whole self-preservation thing keeps popping up in my head. I'm keeping tabs on him for my protection.
Well, Kelly. If you really need to do that, then don't you think leaving him is the BEST way to keep yourself protected from his doing whatever it is he's doing?
That's the huge conundrum that I'm in. Because despite all of that, I still love the man. When we have good days together, I love him. I'm not ready, nor willing to pack up and leave.
Whew.
So what do I do with that. His cards have been layed out on the table for me, now. Wait. He didn't lay them out. I stuck a mirror behind his back, saw his hand that way, and called him on it.
I have certain truths I have to work with now.
My AH is an alcoholic. My AH is dishonest. My AH has a sexual identity issue.
So, do I put up with those things to have everything else that I want? The home, the location, the financial security, the man who is at least at some level at least a friend (not an honest friend, but a friend).
GAH. So many questions.
But one thing I did determine. I want to stick with this wild relationship for at least a year. I want to hit my Al-anon birthday before I really start working on making any more decisions with my life as far as "to leave or not to leave", because I am ILL. I have PROBLEMS. And I need to work through those problems and recover before I can make that decision if I'm going to be okay leaving my AH or not. And even THEN, it likely won't be easy. Even THEN, I might decide I need another year. Who knows? And who knows if by that time things will have drastically changed between us to where either we're both closer than ever and always honest with each other, or things are worse? WHO KNOWS? (oooh, gotta stop THAT, too. Kelly, One Day At A Time!)
But right now, all I know is I don't want to leave. Not yet. Because this is a huge learning opportunity for me that I need to take advantage of. If I don't get myself put together, then if I leave immediately, I'll be thrown back into the same sort of situation with another person.
Sure, I could leave and still attend Al-anon meetings - but I'm what you'd call a "hands-on" learner. I learn better by DOING than observing, and living with an A certainly provides me with that hands-on approach.
Sorry for the long share, all. Just a LOT on my mind today.
Congrats on getting a sponsor!!!! That's something I've put off for far too long. Maybe a fear of what I'll hear? Or have to DO? Yep..... I know that's at least part of it for me. Denial is another part. I keep trying to convince myself that my A is far, far away - and he's the sick one and I'll just be okay. But I can tell by the collective rolling of eyes of everyone reading this that I must not really be okay and could only benefit by moving forward in my program. (but enough about me)
I think it's interesting what you said about being a "hands on learner". hmmm....I never thought of it that way. It really sounds to me like you simply love this person and you want for you both to recover and stay together. I don't see any shame in that. Regardless of the issues, it sounds like you LIKE him, too. No shame there either. Maybe you're staying for "hand-on" experience, but it may be worth another look? Just an observation.
Your sponsor sounds wonderful - and you sound SO ready to tackle your assignments. Best of luck to you and your AH. Sounds like you're on the right track!!!
First off, you have NOTHING to be sorry for, so perhaps you ought to take that back...that is what this family is all about sharing...so it was a long one...guess what, we all have longs ones at times. You sure have done a lot and I am so proud of you that you managed to work such a lot out in your share.
Your Sponsor sounds spot on and I love that she told you to talk with her before making life changing decisions on the spur of the moment.
Giving thanks that your HP has been working a miracle just for you. Keep on keeping on.
Lots of love,
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I used to check the A's cell phone. He knew it too. I think he got something out of it. Last time I spoke to him he said he saw something I'd written somewhere. I said nothing. I was obsessive about checking on him, it did nothing of course to get him to comply to anything. I always felt absolutely last on his list. I think I was, behind everyone. My dogs were too and he professed to love them tremendously. I can't understand how he could neglect them so much but he certainly did. Ran off for days at a time on some binge. They dont' have to live with that anymore. They have a Mum who loves and cherishes them first.
In my obsessing somewhere along the line I lost me. I have to say its taken a long time to get me back. I'm glad you have such a diligent sponsor. I have a great sponsor too but I don't check with her daily just a few times a week.
I know I lived, ate and slept on this board for years particularly when I lived with the A. I know it helped. I also know at the end of the day living with him was incredibly draining. No matter how much I worked a program it still drained me.
Biggest step on the right path for me was the realization that "this is how he is, and I love him anyway." Looking at him square, not trying to sugar coat it. Once that was done, everything else kinda fell in place around it. This I can live with, this other thing, I can't. Here is something that I don't know if I can live with or not - wait and see how I feel next week. Once I stopped looking at him with either the rose coloured or the black coloured glasses, I found I could look at myself the same way - much of my ambivilance and self doubt fell away. I could trust my reactions, because I wasn't trying to lie to myself any more.
Good jump Kelly. Got yourself a sponsor...major step in recovery for me and will be for you as you continue practicing having and using one. What was it that she said about major decisions? Living in the future is one. Living in the moment is not. Stay in the now sis. Just do the assignments and don't move till she tells you after you've discussed it with her. You mentioned that you need and/or loved structure. Here is where the feet meet the street where the talk slows down and the walk moves forward. Getting a sponsor(s) for me was the most humbling and major step I ever took in recovery. Sponors are not HP. Sponsors are lantern holders like lightening bugs or angels. They can save your life in a mircosecond if you let them teach you and direct you on the path to recovery. Don't let your butt burn!!
Happy and hopeful for you Kona girl. Keep on keeping on.
