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Not sure if this is the right place to seek some suggestions on this topic or not, but I will give it a try. Over the past little while in our closed meetings a few members are bringing their children to the meetings. The children are 0-9 years of age. Now, I know this is a family disease and noone should be denied. However, these children are very distracting and interupt the meeting often. My group had a small discussion whether or not these children should be brought into the meetings, or not. We have discussed other alternatives, such as these parents taking turns in other room with the children for one meeting or evan half the meeting. One parent looks after the kids for half the meeting than the other parent leaves the meeting to look after the kids so that they can each get a half a meeting in. There has been talk about the group paying for a babysitter in another room while the meeting is going on. Does anyone else have any other suggestions for me that I may take back to my group.
I, myself, does not mind childern being in the meeting room, if the chhild is old enough to sit still and not interupt. If any child who is too young or has problems sitting still without interrupting than I do not apprieciate them in the room, as this meeting is very important to me and I need to hear and listen to other members so that I can benefit and improve my sick self.
In my home group, I would bring the issue up at the next group conscience (business) meeting for discussion. After discussion, anyone would be free to make a motion suggesting a resolution and then those present would vote. It sounds like a lot of good suggestions have been made. Maybe it's time to find out if the group as a whole wants to adopt any of them.
We have one or two moms who sometimes bring their children to the meeting. One is an infant who generally sleeps and does not disrupt the meeting. The other is a young tween (10 or 11). I am not as comfortable with that situation because of the nature of some of the shares and the disruption caused by leaving and re-entering the room. The hard part for me is that I don't want to keep anyone out of a meeting--they come because they need to be there. Who am I to take that opportunity away from them? But, there should be some way to find a middle ground.
I love your post because it is an example of how well groups work when they employ the Traditions.
Thank you!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I had read an Alanon opinion on this. It was brief and regarded Alateen actually. It said in lieu of local Alateen meetings if not available that kids should be ok because they are also relatives or friends of alcoholics and so meet the membership requirements. No ages were mentioned.
Two things come to mind. we don't force anyone to attend meetings. Your not a member unless you want to be. With that thinking, if the kids don't want to be there, thats a problem.
A second thought out of experience is that kids with poor supervision in babysitting type arrangements can quite often destroy meeting hall property and holding the meeting liable. Of course I've never seen a meeting able to afford to repair the damage I've seen.
Mutual baby sitting can work out though and it can be a good service as many mom's could use it. Once again, what I've seen work is Mom's rotating duties rather than putting an elder child in charge.
We have the moms with little children, too, and while I sympathize with their situation, I tend to find the little ones distracting, too. I try to brush it off like the other moms in the meeting and be like "oooh, isn't that cute, she just threw her box of crayons all over", but really, I'm thinking "Ugh - I was listening to a good share and then that kid threw her crayons all over and it distracted me and I missed the rest of what that person was sharing."
I'm not a kid person, either. So that doesn't help, either. I just do not feel drawn to nor amused by little children.
But as I said at the beginning, though, these moms could have it pretty tough. It would be nice if they could arrange a separate room for the kids with a couple of the moms switching off to watch them. It's harder for the moms to do that, though, if it's only ONE mom with her kid instead of a couple of moms with kids. If it's just the one mom then she needs to stay in the meeting or there's no point to her being there at all.
I'll be interested in hearing more responses to this issue.
Another thing that concerns me is all the adult talk that goes on around some of these children. I wonder how healthy it is for them to be around that sort of conversation. I guess it must be good for them on some level. But some of the conversations sometimes become more adult that what I feel is appropriate for a small child to hear. (not vulgar, but sometimes there is discussion of sexual abuse and that kind of thing, stuff I wish little children weren't having to listen to).
Well, I just came from my meeting where I had just this problem! My kids (9 and 5) are in the room next door. I have been bringing my kids to this meeting on and off for 5 years. Years ago, the alanon meeting asked all of us who bring their kids to supervise them ( we actually put it in our opening) because the kids made a huge mess in the other room. We had a babysitter at one point. But the money we paid was paid individually and not very much.
Anyway, because my kids are there, other people have felt comfortable bringing their kids and tonight it was out of hand. I had to go in there 2 times and tell themn to keep it quiet. They were just being kids and having a good time but I didn't want to feel they were being distracting to others. By the end of the meeting I was severly irritated and I went in there and I said to the kids "It is not a given that you get to be in here. For many years kids were not welcome here at this meeting. I asked you all to be quiet 2 times and you were still very loud. If this happens again next week my kids will no longer be comming." And I mean it.
I know kids are kids and these are kids who have been affected by the disease but too bad. We need to teach our children respect for others and social responsibility. Especially these kids....they NEED boundries. They NEED rules and I see so many parents these days just letting the kids walk all over them. And it's kinda funny that the "younger" parents I know seem to be much more strict than the "older" parents. These parents in alanon seem guilty when they discipline their kids. And it shows in these kid's behaviors that they think that when another adult comes in and says Be Quiet that they don't have to! And so we left. My little one was crying because she was scolded (I don't yell anymore) and she loves this meeting and the other little girl who goes there. Good. I will remind her next week that if I have to come in once (or any parent has to) that is it and we will not come back. I know kids get each other going and things can get out of hand but I bring my kids to many many meetings and always have and very very rarely have I ever had to tell them to be quiet.
In your meeting, I would also suggest bringing it up at a business meeting and brainstorming on a soultion. Maybe, if none can be found, listing it in the meeting schedual as a No children please? I thank God for those in the rooms who welcomed me babies and all as for many many years I had no sitter and I needed this program just to stay alive. Infact, When I "came back" my 3rd baby was 2 weeks old and we played pass the baby all around the circle as the meeting went on. They saw that I needed a break. And I have been lucky enough to return the favor with many other moms. Kinda helped me bond with the program faster. For some of these kids it is the only chance they have to hear sanity and to talk with friends who understand. even the little ones can share their pain with these kids who relate. It might be important enough to get a meeting with babysitting up and running
It is a problem - I didn't come to alanon when I really needed it, because I just could not think of what to do with my kids during the meeting. I was so isolated, there was no one I could ask to watch them for an hour.
Infants, I find, are usually OK - they either sleep, or sit quietly, or their mom just feeds them. Older kids, say older than 10, are usually fine in the other room reading a book or playing on their gameboys or whatever, especially if they are alone. It's the ones who are too big to sleep in mom's arms but too small to be left alone that can be disruptive. And, yes, sometimes their presence is inhibiting to the meeting - people will maybe not share honestly if there is a kid who would hear something inappropriate.
I like the idea of a babysitter paid for by the meeting. I could see this working very well if there are several people who need to bring their kids - not so well if it is only one. We have one boy in our meeting, about ten years old, who is a member of the group - he shares when it is his turn, reads out the steps along with everyone else, etc. Not all kids would be happy to do this, though.
Bringing this up in the business meeting really does sound like the way to go. There are several ways to go, and your group needs to find the way that works best for you.
Children in any meeting can be disruptive and the individual parents are ultimately responsible for the solution. On either side of the fence, AA or Al-Anon playful or not disruptive behavior can severely deminish the amount of help you get from the meeting. Alateen is not a baby sitting program. The age requirements are from 12 - 21 or at least they were when I sponsored in that program. The teens need ESH as much as the adults in Al-Anon do.
So maybe one solution might be for them to come here to the board most of the time and find a care giver during their face to face meetings after being instructed on why. Why for me is not about the children although the children are part of it. Why for me is the "I" statement. "I cannot focus and get what I need from the meeting while distrubtions are going on no matter who is making them." "Child disruptions are a form of crosstalk...crosstalk is disturbing also and detracts from the continuity of the meeting." There are more statements that can honestly and courageously be made that will provide solutions.
In some of my other meetings that are always held outside in covered cabanas, some of the members bring their dogs who run literally all over the place including up to your face, your coffee, your share. This happens less and less. We also have other groups of active drinkers close at hand who have little respect for what is going on outside of their group...not all some. There are also ducks and geese and all kinds of morning birdies with their songs and then of course there are the whales breeching out in the ocean and the dolphins and turtles. I'm digressing and though all of this is true my concentration and my speaking out for it is my responsibility then it all goes back to HP.
One time the most horrendous (to me) distraction was my very own sponsor falling asleep at an afternoon meeting and falling out of his chair on to the floor. LOL ...He had great program and handled it soooo well as did the other 15 or so people sitting in the circle. He didn't look at me and I didn't take it personal. He mumbled something like "shudda taken a longer nap" or so and we continued like nothing happened. One distraction I had was a members son threatening to "take me out after the meeting was over" LOL. Of course lots of crying too...I've done some of that one myself. Yeah distractions can be a problem if we don't use the traditions and steps.
Sorry for the digression. It happens with age you know. By the way any of you happen to be in Hilo on Easter morning make sure you get by the Easter Feaster meeting (AA) with sobriety time count down, egg hunt for the kids and a massive pot-luck breakfast for all in attendance. We've had over 100+ people at times from all over and rarely ran out of food. It's a potluck also so we get to crow over each others cooking. Al-Anons are welcomed for sure because one of the founders of that meeting and the current secretary is (ahem) a longtime member of the Al-Anon Family Groups who doesn't wish to drink anymore. (the whales are real as are the turtles and porpoises. We just 20 feet from the grand Pacific.)
This subject is what kept me from going to meetings anymore. I tried going to a different one, the same gal was there with her kids.
Could not handle them crawling under the table, mashing their food into the table, baby crying toddlers into everything.There is NO way I could listen, no way could I talk. When there is abuse, rape and so much pain, there is NO way I am going to share in front of kids.
I love kids, kept watching them, I am protective of kids so NO way was I going to chance making them uncomfortable.
So since watching them was so much fun... talk about distraction, lol. I feel there must be babysitting in an adjoining room. My feeling is it can be detrimental to have them in that environment.I sure would not have ever brougnt my babies there, no way.
I could not talk to the main gal as they were her grandchildren.
So all I can say is I relate,and you are not a bad person for bringing it up.
Like the others, the few meetings we have in the area allow children. However, there was no one to watch them and it did become distracting to me. I would try and help the mothers, but then I found that I was spending more of my energy trying to "settle them down" rather than pay attention to my meeting. It just wasn't working. I stopped going because I couldn't concentrate. This group did eventually find a church that had a room in the back with a glass wall so you could see what was going on. This did help. I have heard of meetings in larger cities where they do it for single parents w/children only. An interesting idea. We all need healing and hopefully your group will find a solution that benefits all. Love and blessings to you and your family. HAPPY EASTER!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I attend a meeting that has babysitting available in an adjoining room. This particular group is woman-only and made up mostly of women well past their child-rearing years. When Tradition 7 is spoken of, a $3 donation is suggested to cover the babysitting costs as well as the rent. This is the only meeting I have been to where a specific amount is suggested.
Regardless if I bring my child or not (and I only have a couple of times), I gladly give a greater donation, for we all benefit. Thus, everyone who chooses, child or not, "pays" for the sitter, but it is optional, of course. To me, it also signifies us being a "family" and does not eliminate someone from the meeting just because they have a child or can't afford to go because of babysitting costs.
At this particular meeting as well, there is a 3 yr old who doesn't handle the babysitting well. Thus, on more than one ocassion, the mom has set him up behind her chair with a dvd player, earphones and a snack. He was content and happy and most members didn't even know he was there.
Part of what I look forward to in going to a meeting is the peace it provides me. It truly is the only time during the week, if only for an hour and a half, that I can focus on myself and truly listen uninterupted to others. Also, to be free to cry and say whatever needs to be said, is a gift we all need.
I hope you can figure something out. Good for you for looking into it.
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I just wanted to share with you my experience and that of another member of my home group.
My kids are 7 & 2 yr old. They are pretty good at meetings, but kids can be distracting. My group has always welcomed children. I thank HP for that because I never could have gone.
Anyway, this other person used to have a real hard time with the kids. She doesn't have kids and isn't used to being around them. She told me they used to be very distracting to her, but at some point months ago she decided they were sent by her HP to teach her a lesson in patience and tolerance. She is now very rarely distracted by them and has learned to be more focused.
Now of course this is just one persons experience as shared with me, but I think it is a shining example of focusing on ourselves and not others, whether it is the A, somebody's kids, the jerk at the grocery store, or whatever.
Hope it helps.
BTW, we do not have babysitting, but they play in another adjacent room. They do wander into our room off and on. And like the rest of us they have good days and bad.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
This is a tricky thing. I would think that a group conscious at a business meeting might be helpful. I know that one of the reasons why this site is so popular is because many moms can come here and not worry so much about attending meetings and dealing with childcare.
I do not mind kids at meetings. I have a meditation practice that is based on "If you can sit in meditation at the corner of Broadway and whatever and keep your concentration, that is a good solid meditation practice." and I am open to that. Many of my meetings here are outdoors with planes flying over, birds making a racket, etc. We all manage OK. We know that there are going to be sirens, etc. its life. kids make noise. its not going to change.
I guess I am compartmentalized enough so that I can just focus and block the distraction out real good. We are all different and all of our meetings are different. Good topic, with lots of interesting responses. Hugs, J.
This is why I don't get to meetings. My kids are 8-1/2, 7 and 5. While they are well-behaved for the most part, they are kids, not mini adults.
I went to a couple of meetings when the youngest was an infant, but with two others, and no one to babysit - except their active alcoholic father - it was impossible. And since he'd lost his job, the last thing I had was money to shell out for a babysitter. The one meeting that had childcare (or at least said they did - I never got there) was a 30 minute drive; and I couldn't afford to put that much gas in the car back then. Given what we'd been through with my AH, it was unlikely that my children would calmly stay with a stranger in another room, anyway - and equally unlikely that I'd leave them with one!
And now - there is no way I'd want my kids listening to what folks in those rooms need to share. They are all ears and I'm sure their presence would inhibit some people from talking freely. I'm just happy I found this place.
I have this issue where someone is bringing a baby to both meetings at one location, every week. My feeling is that anything that is a distraction just doesn't belong in a meeting. I finally found a place where for one hour people get gut-level honest, it is quiet, people listen, and there are no distractions!
I know, it is tough on parents, but I really think the group good has to prevail (one of the traditions). Also, I really feel like the parent is usually totally watching the baby and trying to quiet the baby all meeting so I don't really think the parent is able to pay attention anyway. It's tough but I think the parent has to get to as many meetings as they can, and go online, or whatever, or find sitters.
I am going to keep looking online and see what other people think.
