The material presented
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level.
Well my saga continues. Got an email from my A. They are scheduling his surgery!!! It will be in about a month. I'm so happy on a lot of levels. First - I'm happy that he's getting himself taken care of and that he will be on the mend. Secondly, I'm relieved that it didn't happen at my house. As most of you know, I really struggled with the "is he using me for a caretaker?" question. Anyway - in the email he wondered if I had given any thought to him moving back. I was a little surprised actually that he wanted to still move here, even after having the surgery there.
So I wrote him back and got real honest with him. Told him that I had thought this move back was more about him getting surgery here, so I was surprised he still wanted to move here. Also told him that since he's not moving here for the surgery, that I assume this move has something to do with me. That I was confused - since he broke up with me in December and I didn't know what had changed since then. Also told him that I didn't feel much emotion from him over the past year and that I need someone who is emotionally available. Told him I think we need to talk about it.
Well guess what? That was a couple of days ago and I haven't heard back from him. Just the mention of emotions (or maybe the fact that I'm being a pain in the ass about it) made him go back in his shell. Guess it's okay to talk about moving back here (moving in with me), but if I mention having an emotion - then that's taboo.
Be honest with me.....was I out of bounds with my response to him? I didn't even begin to address my concerns with the a-ism. I was simply putting first things first and telling him that I need someone who is emotionally available. Was that wrong? Am I playing games? Is he playing games?
I'm weary of playing hide and seek with him. I either want him IN my life or OUT OF my life, but I think after all of this - I deserve a response from him. And I may get one......but it will most definitely be in his time.
I wouldn't think putting yourself and your emotional well being first would be or should be too much to ask for. You are taking care of and thinking of you. And that's the most important thing, right? You have to take care of you. Just like I have to take care of me.
Let's see... will you get a response in your time (nope!), in the A's time (that could take forever)... or maybe in HP's time? I dunno... that's the first thing that popped into my head. (Easy for ME to think, eh? I'm not in your situation. Sigh!)
We Alanons quite often don't get what we want in our relations with our A's. Why are we so surprised when our A's act like A's? We aren't surprised when our dogs act like dogs... or when our cats act like cats.
And why do we always try to fill in the gap (they don't tell us, so we try to figure it out) of what they are thinking and doing? Is it because we LOVE puzzles? Trouble with an A is that they seem to be a puzzle that cannot be figured out.
I'm glad you shared today... and I hope you feel confident that you did what you did, because it was right for you at the time that you did it. Hang in there. Hugs.
Dang, I think you asked a real tough question!!! Its a good question but near impossible to answer.
I'm walking around the house waiting for the boss to call and not able to do anything till he calls and I ask myself. "What has changed?" Well today I'm doing it out of courtesy instead of guilt. I am free to call him at anytime, and it will be soon, and take my losses that go with the decision. I used to be bound by fear and dependence.
But thats a tough question cause the answer probably isn't what has changed but he's trying to act on "What has not." Alcoholism is a very lonely disease even in a relationship and even in and out of recovery. The only love and fellowship that lives up to my expectations is the embrace and love of God. All others pale. If You put your question in a fourth step inventory it would take me a month to write an honest paragrapgh. lol Try asking yourself the question
What has changed with you in regards to him between December and now. HEY!!! maybe thats a good question to bring the focus back to you. :)
Aint I just brilliant? I guess it just comes with the territory of being a man. lol lol (thats supposed to be funny) Possibly we are born with an extra brain?
I have some problems with emotional availability too. I've been trying to learn not to react to them for quite a while cause they seem to cause me and others pain. I am more measured. I am not available for manipulation and that is always what I fear when someone wants this emotional availability. Some people have thought I did not love them because I did not laugh when they laughed or cried when they cried. The love I practice today has little to do with emotion unless you can call kindness an emotion. I think it is an action. It is an action that I do. perhaps I am wrong but I receive love by others actions and not their words.
Our words stand between our will and our actions and I think I might venture a little further. Our actions are a bridge between our words and our love. Watch what people do and not what they say.;)
I think for me its the question of the chronic self doubt. I dive into a relationship with someone with no intimacy, emotional availability, and manipulators. Then I go into chronic self doubt around it. Am I being fair? Is this really true? Am I being too harsh?
For me these days when I meet someone, I really really lisen to them, I watch their behavior. I look at that and then I make a decision whether I am going to be involved (generally I am not). I had absolutely no awareness before. I was also "desperate" "fearful", and had no self trust. Building back self trust is very difficult but the more I take care of myself the more I am willing to trust my opinion. I've spent literally years of my life on the phone, on email, in groups obsessing about relationships that were never emotionally viable for me in the first place. I don't need to go into self dout anymore I know where it goes in an eternal cycle where I stay or leave and then re-engage with someone who just never is "there" for me on any level.
Instead of waiting for an answer from him and doubting yourself, the way I see it you got your answer from higher sources. Listen :) (no response from him speaks volumes)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yeah, I agree with Christy. I also can honestly say that there is nothing louder in the world than the sound of a man not responding.
I cannot count the number of times I have heard this. Its the sound of fear. I have heard a lot of it.
The sound of a man not calling. Not emailing. Not speaking.
Silence is something to be respected and honored. It is a sound in and of itself. It means what it means. I can remember hearing someone say something about the power of a man not calling. When they do not call, it means they do not want to talk to you! How simple and true that is! Clear and plain and clean. Women, on the other hand would call anyway and say a bunch of stuff they probably didn't mean.
I know these are stereotypes but there is a grain of truth in them.
R3, I think the silence is resounding and simple and clear. He felt you resist the bait. You did not take the hook. You hesitated. He felt his hold over you wavering. If he disappears, he was not gonna be worth it. If they disappear, it speaks legions. Hugs, J.
I like what you said about honoring silence Jean. We teach it ourselves and expect our No's to be No and such. But silence? I like the idea of honoring others silence. It makes me feel that I could more easily expect (bad word? ) my own to be honored.
One of my favorite ODAT readings is on silence. Silence with love rather than silence with anger. Two different things. It sounds like round3 brought him square with reality without smashing it in his face. Great program R3 :) You didn't ask him to change but "what had" instead!! I like it. It was kind and showed love and respect. WE CAN DO THIS :)
This is the kind of stuff that ALLOWS an A to change. Its not permitted if forced. A little bit of time in a hospital reflecting on mortality can make a man change. Pray for him. A great question has been planted in his mind. The balls in his court. It may take him a while is my guess.
For me, I just can't "go there" - and that means going to the place of trying to figure out what's going on in another person's head. It gets crazier, still, when you try to figure out what's going on in an A's head!
I agree with respecting the silence, but in a form of not taking it as a sign, but as an opportunity to spend some more quality time with your HP and living your life.
If he calls you back, fine. Whatever. Deal with whatever he has to say then. But until that time. STOP obsessing about the A. Life your life.
Jennifer