The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That is my greatest fear....that they are watching and I am not doing right by them. I married someone who is just like my father, only in a different day and age, do I want that for my daughter?? Do I want my son to grow up just like my AH?? Someways yes, other ways no.
There was a fathers advocate on a local TV show yesterday and he opened with "Are you the man you would like your daughter to marry or your son to become?" I wrote that down and gave it to AH last night....he read it and seemed to ponder it for some time. Will it change anything? Probably not. But it got the wheels turning.
I want so much more for my children....but how do I know what the 'right' thing to do is? Do I leave to protect them from this life of alcholism? Or do I stay because, even through the drinking, he is a good father and they think he hung the moon. For me, it's all about what's 'right' for them.....I grew up in a similar home life and I think I turned out ok.....they have both made it clear that they do not want to be without their Dad.
So I continue to take it one day at a time, and hope that HP will lead me down the path that is best for my children. Or in a perfect world...will lead AH down the path that is best for our children! :)
I still struggle with "Am I doing the 'right' thing?". I have found in my experience the best that I can do is take care of me. I am so much better for myself and others when I am diligent with my program. I don't know about you, but for me when I recognize that I am overwhelming myself with questions like, "am I doing the right thing?", "Is this the right answer to the problem?", etc..... I stop asking MYSELF if it is right and ask my Higher Power to cause me to hear His guidance today. By EVERYDAY turning my life and will over to the God of my understanding and praying for His will to be done in my life and in all my affairs, I have found that I don't agonize as much over the many questions I have. Daily vigilence of my program is what I need to get through each day. I am finding peace and my questions are being answered. I also have had to pray for patience because I don't always like waiting for the answer, but when I make fear based decisions I almost 100% of the time am wrong. One of the things I've heard over the years is choosing not to decide is a decision. Sometimes no decision has been the best decision for me. So I cont. to pray for patience and willingness to accept whatever God's will is for the situation and it's something like 100% of the time the best answer.
My sponsor always reminds me (because I am often freaking out about somethiing with my child - the latest is am I goiing to turn him into an addict/alcoholic lol!) that my son also has a Higher Power and who am I to think that I know what is best even for my son. I still have to parent, but I do it by praying for His will not mine be done in all my affairs.......that includes parenting. I must have faith that God is guiding me. Sometimes it's many prayers a day! May you be blessed with peace today. Michelle
Wow good question. My A wasn't a very good dad and I left, it would have been much harder if he had been a great dad. I like the question. Someone once said something similar to me... would you allow someone to treat your daughter that way? and of course the answer was NO and the reply was well then why would you let them treat her mother that way? It was about 2 months after that, that I left.
Thank you for that. I like the question. I know I will ponder the answer and I will endeavour to change the things I can in me to make me into that person that I would be proud for my child to marry or become.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I think this is a wonderful post and one I'd like to ask myself. "Am I being the mother that I would want a son to marry" I don't have a son, but a daughter and asking her dad that question for me would be fruitless, because he is on supervised visitation with her because he was caught watching child porn, so of course he is not a man that anyone would want there daughter to marry.
I have to agree with sas on this, do what is right for you and that's the best way to take care of your kids. Pray and ask your hp for guidance and I'm sure you'll receive the right answer in His time.
Children do learn what they see, not necessarily what they hear.
I can share with you that I have a 30 year old daughter who is now an active alcoholic/addict.
I also have an almost 20 year old daughter who is doing tremendously in comparison to her older sister. I think it's no coincidence that when I finally got brutally honest about my codependency issues and saw how it was affecting not only me, but my youngest daughter (the only one left at home), the effect was very positive on my youngest.
Yes, we do have issues as she still lives at home and has a lot of maturing left to do, but she excels in so many areas, whereas her older sister already had a 3 year old daughter at her age, was married, and still living the party lifestyle.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I have to second SAS. Doing the right thing for me sets the example to my children that they have not only a right, but an obligation to take care of themselves in adulthood. It is not someone elses job to take care of me past childhood and they should not expect someone else to take care of them for the rest of thier lives either.
The change in my son, in the last 2 yrs of working on myself and being honest with him about my shortcomings and the need for change, is proof positive that working the program for me is the greatest benefit I can give my son.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Neither of my parents could take care of themselves. I functioned as an adult caring for both of them in different ways. I learned early on to not have any boundaries. I never saw either of my parents taking good care of themselves, behaving as mature adults, being kind and loving towards each other, making decisions together, talking about money together, simply enjoying each others company, etc. This was so harmful and hurtful to me. But I am learning a lot and growing and healing, thanks to this program and its people. J.
