The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some time ago, ddub posted about Stress, and I found I could relate to every word she wrote.
I have lived for the last thirty-three years with Chronic Stress and as a result in 2005 I ended up having a Nervous Breakdown. My doctor tells me that I have Reactive Depression not Clinical Depression, which for me makes sense with what I have dealt with through my life.
This weekend was yet another weekend that I found it hard to even get out of bed for. My life is so empty, so meaningless, so full of empty emotional and physical pain.
Ddub wrote this..."...apathy about my own life is when I know I need to rest and then get up and get back at it. The apathy tells me to rest my body and is just as important as allowing/accepting a little despair/pity so that chronic stress doesn't cripple us to chronic apathy about ourselves."
This morning I got up at 07:45 and realised that I am struggling with just that CHRONIC APATHY, and I no longer know how to get myself out of this situation.
The last 8 years have been full of physical restraints and my health has taken such a downward spiral. The surgical procedures have taken their toll on me both physically and mentally and emotionally and without my health I feel I lost the last hand hold I had on my life. I have not worked since January 2000, and with each year my motivation and fear of returning to work tightens its strangle-hold upon me. In fact, my doctor has repeatedly told me that is most likely that I will not work again...I fought that the first six years, last year I found myself gving up the battle, now I find I have resigned myself to this state.
I feel I have nothing left to live for . No purpose left to fulfil. And I have no need to battle the stress, the pain, the despair, the emptyness in my life. And there is no-one nearby to even share it with; my children manage very nicely with out me unless they want me to do something or give them something, or need me to pay a bill for them. Day to day, I do not exist, even when I text them, or telephone them, they either do not answer or it is not convenient to talk with me. Even when I sent my teenage grand-daughter her birthday present last week, and she msn'd me, she did not even say thank you to me. Nothing, I asked if she liked her present and all I got was yep!
Where have I gone wrong to end up with NOTHING but loneliness and emptiness? What is the point to all this suffering? If this is living then I am not much interested. I cannot remember the last time someone in my family told me they loved me, or hugged me.
Seems my love is not valued. Seems my recovery from the brutal marriage, the violent abuse is not worth the struggle. Seems like there is no point to putting myself through any further struggle and yet here I am for another day of what ... emptiness. Seems all I have done is too little, too late.
Clubs, wrvs, charity work, full time work, part time work, mentoring, committees, Samaritian work, house-keeping, hobbies, walking, et al - I have done all these. Now I cannot do ANY of them because of the physical limitations and I have no motivation to do so anyway. To even get out of bed each day is about all I can face and even then it is with great difficulty. One person in my life would make all the difference. I know this. But when there is no-one, I feel I am starved of the will to live my life.
So, there you have it my life in a nutshell, well an empty nutshell.
Am I the only one to feel like this, do any of you relate to this empty, lonely, purposeless life?
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 08:00, 2008-03-17
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
((((Heartbroken)))) I believe HP has placed your post here for me to fight my own feelings of despair today...
I can relate to the depression.... perhaps not on the same level.... but, I do feel empty, lonely and purposeless sometimes. It was so hard to come out from under the covers this morning....
As I consider your post, I am thinking Step 11...sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. I believe that we are fighting a spiritual war....(we're trying to make spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.... ) The Evil One (or whatever you want to call it) would LOVE for us to stay in our depression...would want us to give up on ourselves and our Higher Power! In my experience lately, HP is asking me to draw closer and closer, recognizing that my every breath is actually HP with me. In times like these, I know I need to meditate more, making every attempt to empty my thoughts to let HP fill me with HP thoughts. Those are my most beautiful days. Sometimes I feel like I don't have the time or like, I need to worry more instead!!! Crazy. Part of the spiritual war. When I allow myself to sit and meditate, I KNOW the benefit....Even as I move throughout my day, I can catch my breath and feel the gratitude of something so magnificent, so beautiful, it is hard to express.... Especially, I know that I am never alone!!
Heartbroken, I am better off when I realize that I have a family of origin and my family of choice... my Al-Anon Fellowship. I am fortunate that my group does social things together. Sometimes, I'd rather isolate, but I catch myself now...and I push myself to get out. I always feel better. With my family of origin....I have to work very hard at practicing my program!!! lol
I recall someone I knew a few years ago (who has since moved away)....she was bed-ridden and in constant pain from neuropathy. And, she often said the exact same things you've said...being bed-ridden, she felt she had no purpose...and this always amazed me. Why? Because I couldn't understand how she couldn't see what a bright light she was for everyone!!!! She is the most inspiring person I have ever known! Like, a living SAINT! It was so obvious that she was an instrument of a Higher Power....perhaps she compared herself and couldn't see it for herself. Thinking about this, it is a revelation to me... that we don't always see our purpose. I can tell you Heartbroken....that you too, have been a great inspiration to me!! A very BRIGHT LIGHT!
Fight the Spiritual fight, Heartbroken... Stick with your HP who loves you!!!
Yours in recovery, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Omigosh, Heartbroken! Yes! I have felt everything you have described in your post from time to time (and for long periods of time, too). Sometimes I think, "If I were to die, no one would find my body for DAYS!"
And we give to others, and our giving is often not acknowledged. Frustrating!! (I have nieces & nephews who do not acknowledge gifts... brats! LOL)
I often think that just about every human being questions the purpose of their existence from time-to-time, though. Some of that pondering is normal, too.
Do you ever come to the online meetings? Wanna come, if you don't? Would love to "see" you there!
Just wanted to add... I always read and APPRECIATE your posts, Heartbroken! I don't like it that you are in any kind of pain, however you sure do have a LOT of wisdom, woman!
There are so many special vital people on this board and for me, you are one of the most special.
I woke up this morning with a prayer on my mind "Please God, put a man in my path who is NOT abusive and whom I can love and who will love my kids. A man who will show them what a real man does and how a real man can be a father. Please Lord, give them a real father. Put this man in my path for me and my kids." And I felt, again, the urgency for this to happen. I need love, sure, but my main concern is the fact that the kids have absolutly no male role model in their life except for their psycotic father who has done nothing at all except abandon them repeatedly. And he isn't even in their lives. I feel I have got a good amount of recovery under my belt and I am ready to continue my recovery with someone. LOL! Love when I try to tell HP what I need!!!
I hear your despair and desire. It sounds normal and natural and not in the least bit fun. I have been there, I have felt cursed and like someone who doesn't deserve. But I am not cursed, I do deserve. My HP wants only good for me. He has a plan (good thing He never shared it with me because I would have never ok'd it!) Frustration can inspire me to make changes. Anger is my motivater currently.
(((((heartbroken))))) I've been exactly where you are in the despair department. The only thing that kept me going at that time were my children. Now that I know they are well taken care of, and I could easily slip back into that way of thinking (especially if I stopped taking my meds), I still struggle with suicidal thought. even on medication. My HP put me in the path of a woman while I was in school. She became my best friend while we were there. The December before we started school, which was in March, her husband whom she was separated from shot himself in the head in their bedroom. They have 2 beautiful, intelligent, precocious girls who fortunately were not living there at the time he did this. But, he left those girls. They were 7 and 10 when he did this and very much Daddy's girls. And my friend never stood in the way of that. But he did this. He left those girls. I feel that my HP had put her and I together to open my eyes to exactly what devistation happens when someone does that. I still struggle today with thoughts, but it's getting easier. Especially since I started Al-Anon and found out that it's not just ME who is screwed up! I am EXACTLY like my sponsor. If there was 100 men in a room, I would be drawn the the 1 jerk/alcoholic/addict/abuser in the room and be determined to make him MINE. Being in Al-Anon, even know it's been such a short time, I've learned that that way of thinking and being is sick. It is a struggle to get out of bed everyday. Escpecially since I don't have the kids to take care of in the morning and no job. (which is about to change) Fortunately for me, I have a dog who HAS to go out and will NOT go out for anyone but me. and will IRRITATE the crap out of me until I get up and let her out. Since I've not been living with my children, she is my reason for getting up. Sometimes it was him. I'd have to get up to take care of him. But mostly it was/is to take care of her. Like today. She had to go out. I had to get up. I am one of the many here that benefits from your posts. You have alot to share and perhaps that's why you get up every day. To help us. I saw a calendar once that had this saying on it: "You are not a mistake. Your life is not a mishap. Your parent may not have planned for you, but God did." That struck me because I was not a "planned" child. My parents were never married and I have never met my sperm donor father. He left my mother when she was 6 months pregnant with me. My children weren't "planned" by me or thier father's. But GOD planned them. We are ALL here for a reason. We might not ever know what that reason is, but HE does. I struggle everyday to figure out exactly what He has planned for me. And I'm slowly coming to realize it's something that I just need to go with. Stop trying to figure it out and just do. My question to you is: do you have any pets? You might want to get one. It's amazing the therapy they give. hugs and prayers and blessings to you Jennifer
Thank you, everyone who shared. I am sad to realise that there are others who have felt as I do. What a difficult place to be. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get passed this.
I left so many years ago, with a broken heart for all that was NOT to be, knowing of the damage to the children and the brokeness of the family. I have lived with hope in my heart that my love for them all would get us through and that time would heal the brokenness. Their lives have improved with time and love and sharing, mine just seems to fracture more and more and I keep on losing...now there is nothing left to lose, except myself again in this apathy that seems to suffocate me.
Just for today I will breathe.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Ive definitely had some bouts with depression. I can certainly relate. Recovery had be a long hard road. I see other sides of you here when you are really commited to your recovery. We all have hard times. I think alcoholism can be devastating, it has been for me. Recovery on the other hand is wonderful. Having friends who I can share with is wonderful. Knowing that I can transcend is wonderful.
My diagnosis is Dysthymia at low grade long term (often 3 years or more) depression that in later years is often fatal. Yikes I am in my later years. If I keep doing what I keep doing I will be deeper in my later years and still with Dysthymia. It use to be Dysthymia and Dispair until I started practice Hope more than Dispair and also practicing changing my attitude. Changing my attitude and preception allows me to "Act as if" and create my own reality. That works miles better than how I use to let the depression drag me down into a dark, damp, small tunnel and then whisper in my spirit that the roof might just cave in any second. I had been a contant nightmare and night panic suffer for over 50 years and now with the help of this program and other tools that have come my way I rarely have them at all. Crap I once woke from a nightmare in which I was shot in with the slowest pulse rate I have ever experience without considering myself dead and a body temperature that could have baby sat ice cubes. The sub-conscious state can be a killer when driven by negative attitudes and perceptions.
Again recovery from these and other characteristics are my choice. I can (and today I fully believe this without a single doubt) change even my depressive states. I use to consider this impossible today I consider this a miracle. More are coming if we work for them. Stay in the Light!!
Keep on, keepin' on Girl. I know you can do it. Read below:
Love ya, Maria
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge.On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark.We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain.Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain.Some drank; some used other drugs.Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior.Some of us obsessively focused on addicted peoples pain to distract us from our own pain.Many of us did both:We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people.We did not know there was a bridge.We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky.Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time.We saw the bridge.People told us what was on the other side:Warmth, light, and healing from our pain.We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldnt listen.They couldnt see it; they couldnt believe.They were not ready for the journey.We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward.The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real.There was light, warmth, healing and love.The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side.Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done.No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge.Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right.Some will come; some will stay on the other side.The choice is not ours.
We can love them.We can wave to them.We can holler back and forth.We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us.But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty.It is where we are meant to be.We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because anothers time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place.And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Todays reminder:I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing.I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that.I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed.I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You are such a special person, and a very vital part of this board. You have encouraged me so many times when I have been in despair. It hurts me to see you so down on yourself.
I know you are a praying person. I will pray for you that your HP will give you the comfort you need. Rest your head in the arms of HP. I will pray for some encouragement to come your way to lift your spirits.
Bless you.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Dear one, my heart hurts reading your post, and while I can do nothing to help, I can offer my prayers, positive thoughts, and hugs...(((((((Heartbroken))))))).
I have never suffered from depression, so it is difficult for me to relate to how you must feel, but please remember...you have become a much-loved member of the MIP family. All of us are pulling for you, and we all care so very much.
Sending healing thoughts "across the pond,"
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
