The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a testing moment this evening when I got home from work.
My AH was out on the driveway washing his bike and his moped. I went inside for a bit, and then came across something that needed to be put in the garage, so I went to the garage to put that something away and noticed one of our good bath towels hanging in the garage in a very conspicuous way - it was obvious AH intended to use it to dry off his bike and moped.
I very calmly asked him "were you going to use this to dry those off?" and I'm immediately greeted with a snippy "Then get me something else then!"
UGH!
I wanted to lay into him. There was no need for him to snap at me. It was a simple question - but I think he knew that despite my calm demeanor, I was annoyed he was using one of our good bath towels to dry off his bike and moped.
I went back into the house just SEETHING. I brought out an old raggy towel for him to use and just hung it up, saying, "Here, grumpy."
But I was sooo not done in my mind. I was just irked. I was irked for one thing that he just has no common sense and doesn't seem to respect our things when I feel he should. He is just not a careful person when it comes to taking care of things unless he has a very personal investment in them, like his moped and bike.
But then - who knows? Maybe that's just a man thing (sorry gentlemen!) - I have no idea how many men out there don't feel the same way about what are the "good" towels and what are the junk ones that can be used to just wipe off any old dirty thing.
Areas like these are where my obsessive compulsive prefectionism seeps through. It's like my being the Kitchen Nazi. I try to be nice about it, but something in how I put things just pushes my AH's buttons. He tried to put some chips away in a cupboard that I had organized to be for cereals. How the hell should he know that, though? He doesn't. But what I DON'T like is his sneering reaction to me when I ask him nicely to put the chips into the cupboard where I wanted them.
"It's just a cupboard!!"
to which I answer... "I know - it's just a cupboard, so why are you getting mad about where I'd like them to go!?!"
Ugh. Back and forth.
And that's the second part of my anger with the towel incident this evening. WHY did he choose to snap at me when I was trying to be nice?
I just sat there stewing about it. I cursed him and said many nasty things "to" him under my breath while he was out washing his moped. I swear, if I looked back at myself, I'm sure I'd look like I was behaving like a child.
But I just didn't like that at all. I didn't like him snapping at me when I was trying to be nice. After I got past my initial flash of outrage at his behavior, then is when I started to try to take inventory. Or, I tried to map out what I was going to say to him when he was done. "Why did you talk to me like that? Did I deserve that? Do you think I'm this mean bitch all the time, and that's why you decide to snap at me over things like that? Do I just annoy you or something? It hurts my feelings to have you react to me like that..."
All those questions went on in my head.
But then, finally, something just kind of washed over me after all of that questioning.
Maybe my HP told me... or I told myself, "You have no control over how he's going to react to you. Maybe he's had a bad day. Maybe he's just tired. Maybe he's edgy because he'd still like to have a drink but he's trying to fight it. That was HIS poor reaction to you, but you don't need to sit here and drag it out and turn it into the next Spanish Inquisition with him. Let it go."
Well, it went somthing like that... I can't remember my exact words. But, well. I dropped it then. I felt better. And by the time AH was done washing everything - he even washed my car - he seemed to be in a chipper mood.
But through the whole thing, I realized I really need to learn to work on my own anger issues. I mean I really, really was like this raging bull in my head for much too long at the very beginning. It's like this explosion of emotions in my head, and I have NO outlet because I don't want to truly get into an argument with my AH, but damnit, I'm still pissed he snapped at me like that, so what do I do with myself?
I recognize I've behaved that way for quite a long time. In fact, now that I can remember it, I remember my immediate family members joking often that I had quite a temper as a kid. Back then, I probably let it all out. But as I grew, I started holding it in more and more because I didn't want to cause scenes... and again, because with other people... well, they fight BACK. While I think for the most part, my parents just kind of let me flip out and then I'd calm down afterwards and everything would be fine.
I can't do that now. Can't flip out like a little 10 year old. My AH certainly won't put up with it. So I need to find some other kind of release when I have that hot-flash of anger.
Whew. I'm always learning new things about myself every day in this program.
Aloha, great post! Thank you for it! I could relate to much of it.
I have recently learned that I am actually QUITE the hot head. I used to think I was this super laid back chill kind of person but I have discovered that while I can be that way much of the time, I also have an incredible temper. I really never imagined myself as being angry in any way- but of course I am and can be, its totally normal and to be expected and is part of the full range of all human experience.
One of the things I told the group I spoke with last night is that my great grandfather was a well-known gangster (and alcoholic) as part of my story of the disease in my family. Someone else said something about her father is a gangster, too and we laughed about how we really do have the capacity to not only be the "nice polite girls" that we are but also the flip side or the "Ms. Thug" but we have really stuffed that "bad girl" maybe a little too much and have been so deeply socialized to only be the nice girls. We were laughing about how we came by it honestly!!! But honestly, maybe she needs some airtime once in awhile and then she would not be so volatile when the anger rises as a normal course of daily life. I mean its gonna happen, right? We are going to get angry, its how we choose to vent it. I am not sure how but one of the things I was thinking about was boxing or martial arts of some kind or getting a gun and doing target practice maybe? I don't know. Or maybe I need to great big motorcycle. I am a sculptor and I must admit when I am moving around large objects or heavy materials with large tools and pieces of equipment, it satisfies a little of that. I know a friend of mine who has a rubber hose that she uses on one of the beams in her basement...lol. Hugs, J.
Aloha, I can't even tell you how much your post cracked me up. Kitchen Nazi, that was good. AH and I have issues about towels all the time, I can't figure out why he has to use the good ones either. I thought he was purposely just trying to piss me off. Maybe not.
We have a single cup coffee maker; there are always those last few drops of coffee that drip after you pull your cup out. He keeps using the wash rag to put under there to catch the drips. Then not rinse it out, therefore leaving every wash rag stained. There are a roll of paper towels a matter of inches away. So, as nicely as I can, I ask that he please use the paper towels instead.
Does he? Sometimes. Usually not.
Yes, this makes me way too angry. Way more angry than I should be over a wash rag. I have been trying to let it go and just think to myself, 'Oh, well, I'll just go buy new ones.'
When you figure out the answer on how to just let this petty stuff go let me know!!! I do the same thing with my kids too. I guess with the A you could always take him to the mall and have him buy the towels next time, maybe he'll be a little more vested in them then? LOL
Good excuse to buy new stuff maybe?
I am not completely obsessive but I do get angry over petty stuff and especially when my house is a complete disaster (last night comes to mind) and then I get resentful of the fact that from the time I walk in the door, I am cleaning, cooking or sitting over someone doing homework and I'm SO SICK OF IT!!!! I feel like a complete HAG because I am constantly nagging my kids to do some sort of cleaning or if I don't I feel resentful because they are sitting on their butts while I'm trying to do 20 things. I'm kind of looking forward to summer now because I have NEVER had to monitor homework before and it's getting old really fast. Usually the schools had programs afterschool or the work got done before they came home. Now it's non stop every day and I spend HOURS with my son just trying to get him to focus and do a good job. He hides his homework and then ends up having to do it all at once.
We are not perfect.... that is why we get angry over little stuff sometimes.
Great job and funny post Aloha!
My guy tries to act like he cares about my stuff... but if I'm not home he'll go ahead and use the good towel. lol-- Men!
Anyway I know my guy thinks every question is a statement to "trick" him. I even had a male (qualified) counselor say to me one time " 80% of questions are "hidden" statements) I was like- well not 80% of my questions are! But maybe they are?
I bet if you would have said "hey-please don't use my good towel to dry your bike" you would have gotten same exact response from hubby. I also think if he is like my bf he washed your car as a way of saying "sorry I snapped at you".
I'm starting to think that I should just switch out the good towel with a bad one and put the chips away where I want them without saying a dang word to him.
Just annoying playing housekeeper.... but, well, if I want things MY way all the time then I have to own up and do it all.
If I don't want to do it all, then I need to just somehow learn to let certain things go.
I know my AH grew up with a doting mom who always picked up after him and that kind of thing... so I'm sure it's just sort of programmed into him to not bother to pick up his messes and whatever.
I don't do things the way my AH would prefer to do things sometimes, too. He's "Mr. Perfect Driver", (a term which I laugh at in my head because if he's so perfect, how'd he end up crashing his car? Oh yeah. Alcohol.). But he's NEVER been a good passenger. When he had his license, he was the one driving all the time. Personally, I didn't find his driving skills all that perfect, but I never bothered telling him that, because I honestly don't mind being a passenger. So now, he's having to learn how to let things go himself. He has to be my passenger in the car now, and there are times where I can tell he's just ITCHING to yell at me to pull over and let him drive.
Seriously - even now he wants to somehow get his drivers license back before the end of its period of being revoked.
So... he gets under my skin with stupid little things, and I get under his skin with stupid little things.
But then we've ALWAYS been that way.
Usually we get along with each other just fine where those little differences are concerned, but now it's all sort of amplified because AH isn't drinking and therefore having to FACE his issues instead of drowning them... and I'm in the same boat now, too, where I'm having to FACE my own issues without falling back to my normal comfort zones of... whatever the hell it is I do with myself when I'm having issues.
Yeah - I wish she'd have made her kids take more responsibility in that manner. Wish also she'd had divorced her AH and got her kids out of the house when they were young instead of staying with him until her kids graduated and thus exposed them to an entire adolescence exposed to active alcoholism.
But I don't think she could have saved her kids from the disease no matter where she went because just about everyone in her family drinks, and her sister married her husband's brother... so they were just totally TIED together as a family, and her husband's (AH's dad's) family was a bunch of drinkers, too.
Despite that, though, I still love my MIL. She's a wonderful, caring woman. It took her a while to come to terms with alcoholism herself, and she's very frank with her kids when she talks with them and that sort of thing.
She's actually coming out with AH's brother in a few weeks to visit for a week. I can't wait to see the both of them, because I know they know what my AH and I are going through, and we BOTH have their love and support regardless what happens with our relationship.
I feel blessed to have AH's mom and brother in my life. Especially at this time.
I've done my share of Spanish inquisitions. I can go there in a minute. I have to really watch myself. I live eat breathe resentment if I don't really monitor stuff.
