I'm just feeling so much better now that I released my perceived "control" over my AH's drinking. That was, of course, threatening him that I'd leave if he drank again.

Now... this doesn't mean that I'm not still figuring out my boundaries. I DO have to draw the line at some point. But I'm not voicing those boundaries to my AH any more, because all they are to him is a threat, and it puts me into that nasty "control" position.

My AH is still, at the very least, seeing a counselor, even though he's not going to AA meetings (he says they're too "old school", too based on medicine from too long ago - y'know... forget the fact that AA has helped millions... but whatever.) But that's all I can be thankful for is that my AH is still at least seeking help somewhere, and at least that this one person he's seeing for help, I KNOW knows EVERYTHING that has gone on in his life. No hiding certain things from this person because I made sure everything was said that needed to be said with the counselor and left it at that.

Sounds controlling there, too... but I'm not holding his hand and going to his sessions with him. Only went to the first. I'm not enforcing his scheduling more meetings. It's all on him. His life. His recovery.

I have myself to think about now - and that's also why I'm so relieved I released that threat I held over my AH's head. I don't have to come home every day to a man who's either in a good mood, or who's in a bad mood and pinning the blame of his bad mood on me because I was the one forbidding the drinking. Nope. Can't pin his anger on me any more. Now he has to deal with his mess himself. And if he's struggling trying not to drink, it's because it's an inside battle with himself now, not because of me.

So now I'm in a dangerous place myself. I'm in that place where because I loosened the pressure-valve on our relationship and released a bunch of steam from it that now I could start to become complacent. AH isn't pissed at me all the time now. Yay. Life goes back to normal.

NO. It does NOT. This is not a statement that I expect life to be hell, either. But it's a step away from "normal" for me now, because this is where I really put my nose to the grindstone and really start focusing on ME. Why I'm the way I am. What I can do to improve myself. Nothing is cured because I relinquished my last bit of control. Nothing is cured because I let my HP take everything. My HP can take it all, but my HP expects me to do equal work in my recovery. My HP will relieve me of the things that distract me from my personal recovery.

So, I still look forward to continuing my Al-anon meetings. I know I'm going to need them. And I look forward to continuing to work the steps.

I'm not out of the woods by far with my AH. Never will be unless I leave him. But the woods, right now, aren't quite so dark and scary at this time. I'm in a sunny glade right now. I can't stay in that glade forever, though, if I want to make progress with myself. So, every now and then I'll have to take the darker scary path... and every now and then I get to choose the sunny path. Every now and then I'll get distracted and find myself on the dark path and wonder how I got there. But it's a progress thing, nonetheless.

I'm just glad for the relief I have at this moment. And it's all because I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him.