The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking a lot lately about what this really means in general, and specifically to me in my life. I think a lot of times courage is about getting past crippling fears and doing what is right. Then other times courage is doing the right thing even though it's not what I want to do or it's not comforatble or more work for me. Courage means stepping up to the plate even when your batting average sux!
It took me a while to come to this. At first I thought my courage was just the courage to leave! To stop accepting his lies as my reality. To support 3 kids and get by.
Now after dealing with this situation with my daughter and all the recent sickness leading to me having to work more I have been SERIOUSLY put outside of my comfort zone. I am used to doing what's comfortable for me, working 4 days a week, sleeping in 3 days a week, coming home from work and doing what I want to do - watching tv or movies, sitting on the internet, taking a nap, etc. Now with this huge upset my eyes have been opened to the fact that I HAVE TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR MY CHILDREN NO MATTER WHAT!!!
Now this requires a lot of change - me focusing on their homework as soon as I get home, me working extra days to make up some time, me getting up early on Saturdays so that one can go to Saturday school, me taking off time to meet with principals, drive them to appointments, etc. I see this as things that I CAN change - I am physically capable of doing these things and although it makes me emotionally uncomfortable it has to be done and so I have to muster the courage to make this change even though it puts me out. This is what I have come to that this falls under courage to change the things I can. I can do this I just have to overcome my selfish desires to sleep in, watch tv, etc. and put my kids first.
I gotta say that my courage to change grows with every new thing too. First was the courage to walk out with 3 kids and leave behind a majority of the family income. Second was the courage to remain strong and not take him back based on empty promises. 3rd has been the courage to look at myself and improve my parenting skills, learn about my children who have gone unattended for so long and clean up any of my messes that are cleanable. 4th now is to go beyond what I have already done and add more, taking a 2nd job, giving up my personal time for my kids, getting them the help they need, following through and monitoring them better, slowly taking the reins from them and regaining control. These are all things I CAN do but they are hard and it is easy to neglect them and let them slide - checking homework, having contact with the schools, getting them into counseling, etc.
Makes me wonder once I get this on track what the next thing I will need the courage to change will be? Is there ever a time of OK all is well and nothing needs changing?
Wow just what I needed to read. I was feeling quite sorry for myself because I am up against a wall in trying to make my life more manageable. I have to remind myself my best thinking got me here. I have made lists of goals and really am going to try to work on them.
Great post, CG. I know what you mean about giving up selfish time for the greater good of well managed, happy children(I know, but if you are going to throw rocks at the moon, they might as well be big ones). I find that once you get firmly back in control of the household, then the next change is learning to find the middle ground between time for me and time for them. Then is learning to use that consistantly. No, I don't think it ever ends. Maybe that's not really a bad thing though.
I just read back over this and was seriously wondering when I am ever "firmly... in control of the household". LOL Oh well. I do try, and the kids are definately happier when I do.
Anyway, thanks for the post.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
What I am told is that you need to change but your HP will give you something to replace what you give up. Cool thought that I can let go of the crap and get something better in return. You are right where you want to be.
CG, you just made me one happy bunny 'cos I know you are working your programme, you are seeing the priorities and you are as you put it stepping up to the plate.
Remember too that, it may be hard work, but it is worth it. You will see an improvement in the home, in your children and as a result in you too.
Never, as Nancy says, will your HP see you off. HP will always give you something better in return for the sacrifices that you make. I have experienced this so many times in my life and know it to be true. You just have to believe it. The courage to change is hard work and it is not just the scary things that one needs courage for, it is the courage to give something up that we value, that we want for ourselves but give up in order to give something to someone else.
Do find some space for you though, even if it is to wallow in a scented bath with candles and quiet music after the little ones are all in bed...something to indulge yourself and recharge your batteries with...tv is not always the answer, in fact that can often be less relaxing.
Take care, and well done. Way to go!
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
lady, in my experience,it isn't about things changing, it is about being serene through anything. Having faith that no matter what, things will be ok.
I was given this lesson after venting that day.Being lost on a mountain, alone and out of gas.driving my beast of a truck backwards down a winding road...yikes.
It taught me that hp is always there,when really nothing else is. well accept the eagle I could hear,the smell of the woods, and feeling that I had an adventure and a challenge ahead of me.
I see you doing wonderfully.If you knew how many parents just do not care, it would break your heart. I was a single mom, a widow.They way you are hanging in there is what your kids need.
But don't forget to have fun.I loved to play cards and do puzzles whatever with my kiddos and my students. My co teacher taught these gany boys how to play chess!
Kids need us as adults to interact with them. I sure hope maybe you can find your kids, passions and get them into them.
hey I hope you can schedule you guys life so you do get naps,sleeping in etc It is very ok. love,debilyn
