The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A friend in my meeting this morning said " I used to believe that I had to control the universe. Comming here I learned I was NOT responsible for the world and that was such a HUGE relief!" I thought, Yeah, me too. But more so I felt that HP was in control, but I still needed to tell HP how to do it right. I still struggle with the idea that I do not need to tell HP how to do anything.
Alot of people shared that the HP they grew up with was a punishing HP and they were told if they screwed up, the would be punished. The HP I grew up with wasn't a punishing HP. I didn't grow up with the idea of Hell or any of that. The HP I grew up with would just stop liking me if I made a mistake. If I commited a "sin" then HP would just stop liking/loving me. Looking back this makes total sense as it was the same way with my family. Abandonment as a punishment. If I didn't do things their way, they would take away their friendship and love. After a time I might stumble back into their good graces but, I never had a time frame for that.
This program and the people in these rooms with their unconditional love have shown me a different version of HP. The one I can speak to, and make mistakes and still be loved. Unconditionally.
I was lucky enough to be exposed to different religious ideas as a teen and I did my exploring. One result was a best friend who's religion was siddahyoga. It was the first time I had ever been exposed to the idea that HP was within us all and when we look at one another we are looking at HP. So, the idea that HP speaks thru us in the groups was easy for me to accept and I have come to be able to accept the unconditional love I recieve as love from my HP also.
We also spoke about anger. I know my rage is pointless. It gets nothing accomplished except scaring the kids, breaking the connection I have with them and gives me regrets. But my anger I have been using to motivate me. I know underneath my anger is pain and fear. More pain than fear at this point. And when I removed my anger and tried to work thru the pain, I became stuck. I couldn't do anything with my pain and so I gave up, sat down and couldn't move. I guess I didn't do anything with my anger, just turned it inward.
So, I have started using my anger to move me out of victim mode. I am using it to help me move back into my community. I have done NOTHING wrong. My children have done NOTHING wrong. The criminal who harmed me may live just up the street, but he doesn't rule me. I know I have needed to isolate to heal and gain strength, and maybe I will need to retreat at times when I am not feeling as strong. But for now, I am using my anger to help me. I believe I will find authentic strength within me in time. For now, my strength comes from my anger at the injustice of dealing with an A. From knowing the truth and not being able to make others see the truth.
Resentments are my old anger, the anger I hold on to. My fresh anger is injustice. I feel like I am moving forward in this. I hope I am.
Fortunately I wasn't raised with an angry, punishing, or unforgiving HP. Mine was love, love, more love, and forgiveness. If I felt any distance from HP - it was my distance. And I did feel distance. Caught up in my own world of my problems, my sadness, my anger, my loneliness, my fears......me me me me me.
I'm now learning to turn to HP to carry those burdens for me. Take them away or shoulder them with me. I still feel all of those things (sometimes all in one day!), but today I conciously turn those over to HP. I'm also guilty, though, of instructing HP on the way things need to be handled. (C'mon....control is the last thing to go.)
Just a couple of months ago - I stood in my church (I work for my church and go in there when no one else is around - so I can pray in darkness and solitude) - and I stood there and had a L--O--N--G chat with HP about my A. I told HP that he can have him back from me, but here's what he needed to know about him. I proceeded to tell HP about all of my A's idiosyncracies - and how best to deal with him - and to please be patient with him, yada yada yada. Yep...I straightened HP out on the whole deal. Thank God for me!!!!
The reality is, I know HP had his/her hand on my shoulder the whole time just waiting for me to shutup, but being endlessly patient with me. And loving me through it. And understanding my frailties through all of my mess.
I still battle anger as one of those frailties. I do believe a healthy amount of anger is useful. It motivates and pushes us to action. My prayer is to always let me use the anger towards a better purpose - and not let it bring me to a place where I'm needing forgiveness (yet again!).
I wonder if there is some connection between knowing the truth and not being able to make others see the truth and being punished with abandonment.
My family did some good things and I got some good views of hp (from my Dad mostly) but the idea that God would stop loving me when I sin was definitly implied with the overuse of the idea that "sin seperates us from God". (it does but in my present view- that I believe is true - Jesus is the bridge that connects that seperation and if we have him that bridge, Gods love and guidance is there even when we do sin, active sin just makes it harder for us to be guided by him, because it's harder for us to listen) but anyway.
My point is my Mother was sooo into punishing with abandonment. She even made me stop and pray and ask God's forgiveness for small things like say.. agruing with my little brother or making a mess in the kitchen etc. the implication being God no longer loved me until I confessed and turned from these "sins" and she was / is so abandoning herself if she doesn't like or apporve. She would turn the kids against eachother as punishment it was always a guess on the weekends who was gonna be mom's chopping block and who was gonna get to be the "good" kid who she confided about all the misdeeds of the bad kid to. She is such a control freak.. anyway anger talking. My thought was there must be some connection between frustration of not being able to make others see the truth and this extream abandonment, guilt, withholding love type punishment the connection between being involved with an A and the "withholding" of a healthy life that goes on there?
