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I was just reading one of the many wise responses to my last post and just wanted to pose the question...has anyone actually found their happy ending? Someone asked the great question..." If the A were sober and living the good life would he choose you to spend his life with?" While I don't know the answer to that question I am afraid (yes at this point afraid) that would be no, I wondered if anyone lived this where there A sobered up and did choose them and what happened as a result....
Ooh -- i see what u mean as a success story :) my re does not apply in this case -- hopefully someone will find ur query and to b able to answer u yes -- one hears about that ending a lot in our chatroom, so the best I can say is one of those kids will find ur note. Regards oceans of love getoverit
I used to completely ignore myself, my needs, my timing, my intuition, my appearance, my feelings, my interesting ideas and thoughts, my dreams, my preferences. I used to feel uncomfortable when someone complimented me or even noticed me. Then I would grab onto them because they had and think it was a message from god that this was an important person for me to pay attention to. I used to instantly agree when ever anyone else voiced a need or desire: "I want to go get a big burger for dinner tonight"- I would say: "sounds good!" even when I really did not want to eat a big burger (in fact, I really rarely ever want a big burger and now with so much e.coli recalls in hamburger I am really glad I don't!). I spent so much time chasing everyone else and being everyone else, like a chameleon, changing my color to suit everyone around me. I was included because I became them, not because they liked me or wanted me around- how could they like me, no one even KNEW me because I was so busy being everyone else!!!! I felt like an imposter and you know what that is not at all surprising because (drum roll please) I WAS!
I thought the only way I was ever going to be included, loved and kept was to be the chameleon. Sure, I was included, like you would not believe but it felt hollower and hollower and I got worse and worse because the real me was getting shoved down further and further and deeper and deeper. She never got any air or light. She never got any attention or voice.
So here is my success story. And its mine. Its not anyone elses. I got busy working up "courage to change the things I can" and that means ME. First order of business was to get hooked up with HP, and I fully and completely replaced my AH with my HP. Had to. Because see, all that I really had was this squashed down woman in this box who was almost dead. She sure wasn't in any position to help me out. And my fake friends (they were fake because I chose to be fake myself) were of no use, of course.
My family is nuttier than a bunch of fruitcakes, they were of no help. I got no one but HP and I have come to learn that HP is all I need, from here on out. THAT, my friend, is a success story.
I have no control over anyone but me. I work on me, I attend my meetings for me, I read the literature for me, I talk with my program friends for me. Now that gal that was jammed down into the dark box for a few thousand decades (it feels like it was that long) is starting to open her eyes, eat, drink some water, stretch her legs, etc. Most importantly, I no longer feel like an imposter. I feel good, better every single day. I also have lots of friends but this time, they really know me, all of me and the love me and accept me for who I really am and that is a HUGE difference. Fear shrinks every single day now.
I have asked you before CoDe, do you attend any meetings? Let me know, thanks and hugs, J.
That's a hard question for alot of reasons. Everyone's story is different and everyone defines "success" differently. Here are my thoughts...
First, why is the question always asked about who the A would choose?? Part of our Al-Anon recovery is taking back our power, finding out who we are, changing those things about us that are a roadblock to recovery and living our lives for us. That means that we have a choice too.
What if the A got sober and you realized that you had nothing in common with him/her?? That even sober, the A did not like family, did not like holidays, did not like people?? The the A did not want to change the isms that come with the disease so he/she continued to lie, cheat, steal, isolate, be emotionally unavailable?? What if the A got sober, but only chose to stay with you out of guilt, remorse, security, family expectations?? Would you choose to stay with the A??
Second, just because the A gets sober, there is no guarantee that he/she will stay sober and there is no guarantee, regardless, that your relationship will last. I know a couple who are both in AA--married 33 years, both sober 23. It is a daily struggle to make the relationship work. Relationships are hard--hopefully, the difference is that in recovery, both partners try to make it work. But what if the A still doesn't want to put the effort into it?? What if he simply can't do it??
And what is "living the good life"? Recovery, real recovery, takes time and it takes dedication. My sober AH will have three years in April, but he is still a newbie. He is growing daily, but he is still making up for lost time. If I choose to stay with him, I will be making a committment for the long haul. It took almost two years for his brain to dry out and for him to even start figuring out who he is now and what he wants. And regardless of how long he is sober, he will still always be a "drunk" with a "thinking" problem (his words, not mine).
We have been separated for about 2 1/2 years and we are just now talking about moving back in together. Early sobriety is a very difficult and confusing time and he made a number of choices that did not support our relationship. But I used that time to work on me and to try to become someone who could actually function in a healthy relationship. Not quite sure I'm there yet, but I am working on it. I know that if I hadn't detoxed from him during early sobriety and put the focus on me, we never would have had a chance. When he got sober, I was as sick as he was, just in a different way.
I have to remind myself that I have a choice whether to stay in this relationship or not. He is sober, but he is not Prince Charming. Getting sober doesn't change everything from sh## to gold overnight. I don't know if just being sober is enough or not. So, I don't know what to tell you about a happy ending. I am happy, joyous and free from the effects of alcoholism most days because of Al-Anon. I love my AH and for today, I am married. I am happier in my marriage and relationship than I have been in many years, but it is not all that I want it to be, yet. Reality is that it may never be. So, I have to make a choice too...
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I was thinking along those lines too in terms of success.
I consider myself a success story as I have made a lot of progress over the years in terms of finding 'self'. I no longer need a man to complete me, and I like it that way!
I have no life partner and am quite content with where I am at these days :)
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I remember entertaining that sort of question in the past and then just stopped. I cannot predict the future and it is too full of ruts and crevases. One of the ruts is how I am feeling about myself at the time of the question and one of the deep crevases is my history in other relationships. An even deeper one is what is my understanding of the truth about myself and the truth of my alcoholic. My wise God-given sponsor told me that if I was gonna "what if" in order to be fair and balanced I must also "what if not". Today I don't do either because for me neither of them deal with reality.
I'm with you Jean. But it wasn't by choice, really.
Few years ago, I was asked to be the speaker at my Sunday morning meeting. Ah was 1 week into rehab and we had been seperated for about 6 months. He had attened my home group with me many times and there are many "double winners" who knew him when he was previously sober. Anyway, after sharing my story I had one woman come up to me and say " I had NO idea. I thought you two were just a happy, in recovery couple!" Yup, we were a "success story" until he relapsed.
I worked my A** off to be that success story. And we were for a bit. But I no longer believe in "happily ever after". Maybe, "happily ever after just for today". And he relapsed and relapsed and I finally understood that I could be happy no matter what. There is my happily ever after. Not what I was looking for, but what I found.
I know a few couples in recovery. One couple I really love their story. Are they happily ever after? Who knows, they are happy when I see them, they have a great message and they are independent of each other, not emeshed. Both have a strong program. I know another couple who is rocky even with 2 programs and 3 years sobriety. We are people, there is no guarentee, unfourtunatly.
You just have to find the right group. Al-Anon issues are very broad. Find a group with people in similar situations as yourself and experiencing something like you would see as success. If you want to be married to your A after recovery, find a group with a lot of people still married.
I miss my old VA home group. They were a really balanced group of spouses, mothers, fathers Children and alcoholics. That is what worked best for me. I have not found another group like it yet but I used to go 35 miles one way to open it up. :) I just haven't went far enough yet. :)
I joined Overeaters Anonymous about a month after my addictH entered AA. I figured that I should deal with my issues since he was getting help for his. The point was that I needed to work on my side of the fence. Guess what? He relapsed after about 5 months in his program BUT I DIDN't! I finally learned something in OA that I never could get in Alanon--I needed to study the 12steps and apply it to my life. AH picked up his program again and is doing ok for now-- but in the process I have lost 43lbs of resentment and anger and fear. I have gained willingness and acceptance and a personal relationship with my higher power. It has only been about 8 months. Life is too long to call this a "happy ending" per se. I just need to be grateful for each day I get and not let the problems of the past and worries for the future muck it all up. In my humble opinion.
My advice is try not to have too many "big picture" days. ODAAT baby!
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I thought we were a sucess story. I married my husband at age 28 with 8 months of sobriety. We were poorer than dirt but in love so we were rich. We had 2 wonderful boys, we built up a great careers, beautiful home, nice cars, happy marriage and family then BOOM he took the first drink after 20 years(just thought maybe he could after all that time) and it all came crashing down around us. So now I'm trying to be a success on my own forging through life with pain and strength and believing that the only way I'm going to make it is through my higher power, one day at a time.
This is a very interesting topic. One I've struggled with recently. My primary interest is the effectiveness of our organization.
What is success?
In AA it can be easily measured. Not taking a drink is success. Not taking a drink for a year is a success. For 5 years and the AMA says you are cured or in remission. 8 years and your an average AA member.
But inside AA we often measure success as not taking a drink just for the day.
Now what about Al-Anon?
Much more complicated. People still on the outside might gauge it by an intact marriage or maybe even the sobriety of an alcoholic spouse.!!! Our members comprise all those affected and they vary. The success criteria would vary also. Someone with an alcoholic child might try to gauge success by their childs sobriety. I made a mistake myself as an ACOA. I gauged success whether I could survive under the same roof with my Dad. For a grown man, success was just the opposite. :) It was way past time to moveon.
We are open to all affected. I might guess that our majorities are members of the immediate family though. So we have spouses, children and parents. Of these Our pamplet Merry Go Round Called Denial it opens us up to about 4 roles we tend to play. So we could have a dozen different out looks or visions of success for new people coming in.
I have made another mistake I believe. This is my current stuckage point in Al-Anon. I think I am a success if I no longer play one of the roles, especially my favorite ones. This was helpful while I learned to detach but it's also a moving target and not an absolute. If I am not free to love, I am not free to act as God wills. Thats not working the steps.
I would think success, or I would like to propose maybe, that sucess could be measured by how many people embark upon a path of spiritual living as described in the steps. How many can we help lead to a spiritual experience described in step 12? How many can clear away the wreckage of the past and live life on spiritual principles no matter what their surroundings or circumstances i.e "In All Our Affairs"
Somewhere along these lines I think we could find a more universal success that goes across all the boundaries within all families and various family members and roles.
I am so uncomfortable with equating "success" with whether a particular marriage stays intact.
By those standards, I guess you could say our story was a success. My husband did embrace sobriety, did work a program, did stay sober. He and I both struggled along on the road to recovery, and did some real healing.
Then he died. So, here I am with no alcoholic in my life, but not because he or I 'failed'. I could just call myself a graduate of alanon and move on with life, eh? I could, but it wouldn't reflect reality, in any way.
Alanon helped me live with him. It helped me find a way to heal the damage of the years of living with his drinking and all that goes with it. But, my program was not and is not about him. I went into this program to save my marriage, but it did not take long before I realized that the marriage was a side issue. I've been sick and I am getting well.
So, I measure success by my serenity. By my ability to roll with the punches, to take life's setbacks and crises with some semblance of generosity and graciousness. By whether I am getting some joy out of life, and giving some. And by that measure, well, some days I do pretty well, some not too good at all.
I started Alanon because I was miserable living with my AH. I thought that Alanon would teach me how to help make him sober. This was what I thought to be success at the time.
As we all know, this is not the purpose of Alanon. I have changed my perception of what success is. I never knew all along that I was also sick. As an ACOA and living with an AH for almost 35 years my life bears the scars of a lifetime of dealing with A'ism.
To me, success is the fact that I am able to be happy in a way that I have never known my whole life. Virtually nothing has changed about my AH. He is still not working a program, but I have changed. I now have a hope that I never knew could be possible.
People that have known me all my adult life can see a change in my attitude and my countenance. I have a peace about me because I am trusting in my HP. This is success. I no longer feel the hopelessness that just 6 months ago was a daily part of my life.
Whether or not my AH ever attains sobriety has nothing to do with success.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I think it depends on how you define "success". For each of us it's probably a little bit different. Here's my take on your answer: I have known my A for 20+ years, way before he or I knew he was an A. He has had long bouts of sobriety so I know the other man. He's a chronic relapser. I am hoping he goes back to AA and it will finally stick. But I love him regardless if he is an A or not. I intend to stick with him regardless of what happens. There are times I have thought that it wasn't possible to do this. I know I can't do what I do without this program regardless if he's sober or active.
The success for us comes in 3 versions: 1) the fact that I work my program to the best of my ability which makes these decisions at all possible. 2) the fact that I know the sober man, and never give up the hope that he will find his way 3) the fact that we have a strong relationship to begin with.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I was just reading one of the many wise responses to my last post and just wanted to pose the question...has anyone actually found their happy ending? Someone asked the great question..." If the A were sober and living the good life would he choose you to spend his life with?" While I don't know the answer to that question I am afraid (yes at this point afraid) that would be no, I wondered if anyone lived this where there A sobered up and did choose them and what happened as a result....
I'd just like to rephrase the question above to one that I started asking myself as I found my own recovery.
" If the A were sober and living the good life would I choose him/her to spend my life with?"
For too long I was dependent on needing others to need me to feel whole, to feel like I was a worthwhile person. Today instead of looking at how I might be able to fulfill someone else's needs, I look to see if they can meet my needs and the needs of my children. And what we need is a healthy relationship where "mom and dad" are a team and make the children a part of that family team unit. Where everyone does their part and takes responsibility for their own actions or inactions.
I think "success" is knowing your own value and worth and treating yourself accordingly, along with treating others with respect and love.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Personally I think it is a success to stick at it and work a program and feel better Success for me is staying alive inspite of being in tremendous despair.
Success for me isn't about the A. It is no longer will he get better, it is doing everything I can to get better because I could not get any worse.
I LOVE all of these "success" responses. It's given me a new yardstick with which to measure my own recovery. I know what Co was referring to when she said "success" though - she was wondering if there are those among us who "toughed it out" with our A and ended up together "happily ever after" with that person.
Co - from my own experience, I can tell you that the answer to that question can be yes and it can be no. It depends on so many factors. The "success" story that I know of happened when there was already a strong foundation of trust and love established prior to the a-ism taking over - and once the A got sober, both parties worked honest, motivated programs. Mutual goals. It wasn't a walk in the park for either of them, but they enjoyed 25 wonderful years together. I'm referring to my mom and step-dad. And they were comitted to each other and to their individual recoveries. It worked for them. Their "success" came as a direct result of their individual "successes" in recovery. It couldn't have happened any other way for them.
I no longer try to focus on the fairy tale ending. I try to focus on the road I'm on. Will it lead me to success? I hope so, but I can only do it one day at a time. I can't buy into the future. We're not guaranteed tomorrow anyway. Would I love the fairy tale ending? Oh YOU BET! Am I counting on it? Nope. Am I working towards making a reasonably happy life FOR MYSELF? Yes. That's all I can do.
And as far as that question about whether my A would choose me or not.... I posed that question initially to stimulate some thought about the situation. I assume we would choose our A's if they were sober and living the good life (I think it's fair to assume that we would, since we chose them during the bad times). I have to think about that question sometimes to force me back into reality. I can get real caught up in the fantasy of "happily ever after". But if I'm forced to consider that maybe I'm the only one doing the choosing, then maybe I have to face the reality that this isn't the relationship that my spirit needs.
Here's my success, I finally gained the courage to walk away and not go back! That to me is success. I graduated to being able to see him for how he really is rather than how I wished he would be. I pay attention to the things he does rather than what he says and I don't make excuses for him anymore. Sometimes it just is what it is. He goes to jail...he never did anything wrong, it was always someone else. REALITY! I don't go to jail! I don't have needles miraculously appear in my home, I don't get drugs slipped into my drink while I'm not looking, etc. Sometimes a BS story is just a BS story. I remember for the longest time I thought that by helping him I was helping myself and the kids. In reality, he never did actually "make up" for all that stuff and I had a lot of resentments. I guess one day it just gets to be too much and then after being away from him for a while the clarity sets in.
