The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi and thanks for being out there. I have been reading here for about a week, and it helps. I am in a bad time right now, all the more bad as it is familiar. I have been going to meetings for about 3 months now, once or maybe 2 times a week. I am still so isolated.
I am today feeling really angry at my ah of 20 yrs. (28 including the time before the marraige). So what else is new,? I feel so stuck, so paralized (spelling?) around him.
Last night I fell asleep vowing to never wear my wedding ring again. Imagining flushing it, crushing it, or just sort of carelessly dropping it on the floor and see if he ever notices. hah. Why why do I still care.
Sorry to hear your having a really bad time. I am new so the best I can do is tell you that lately the f2f meetings and this board have changed my outlook on my life and things that were shared at the meetings 3 weeks ago that I wanted to understand but did not make sense are now beginning to so please please stay. Make yourself go to meetings even when you don't think you can or don't want to and if one is not working or you don't feel like it's for you please try another group. I can't tell you the change in my heart and it makes me so much aware of how much more change/ growth / healing is needed and achievable and on it's way from my higher power to me. I hope peace for you, and strength to make it to the next moment and assurance that you are going to be okay. Because you are going to be okay! Love, Glad
DOA, glad you wrote, you have come to the right place!
Let me tell you I have imagined so many things to do with my wedding rings, not proper to disclose all my thoughts here, they would NOT be fit to print!! LOL!
You are not alone. Every crummy lousy nasty thought or sentiment has been felt and experienced and voiced here so come right in and sit right down with the rest of us who have been there a million times, too. Its going to be OK. I know SO WELL that feeling of paralysis around the AH. I felt that way too. Like there was no way to get a foot right. No way to win. Always rotten, 24/7.
Its so incredibly devastating to have live with that kind of pain and disharmony and negativity. And as the years pass, it builds up and it does get worse. I hit bottom when I began to realize that I would murder him if the opportunity presented itself (the knife drawer was getting a lot of focus from me at that time). I knew I was in big trouble when I thought the best way to deal with my marriage included spending my life in an orange jumpsuit. Thanks to HP for getting me out of there before I started making plans or acting on the serious thoughts.
Keep attending your meetings, coming here and reading the literature- it may take a couple more months for things to kick in. I know for me, it took a good 8 months for me to even be able to say a single word in a meeting and now look at me, run off at the mouth like you would not believe! LOL! You come here in any mood or with any questions or concerns and we are here waiting 24/7- this place is 24/7 acceptance of YOU exactly as you are. Hugs, J.
Just for me I still cared because I felt there was still hope that she would see the situation and the solution as I saw it. Like what I thought, felt, saw and suggested would take over her mind, body, spirit and emotions just like the booze did. LOL I also like the television show XFiles and thought it was real at one time. Fantasy was my reality then.
I still cared because I was heavily invested in her. I spend time, money, thought, effort and my soul to save her from the disease and I was looking for the one miracle that would happen that I would have created. Again a Sci-fi perception.
I cared because (this is the very biggest one) I was created to love and be loved by my Higher Power. In a way I was kinda set up by God (as I understand God) and abandoned before I was given the ability to detatch from the problem like my HP can. I was trying to force her into recovery and God was not. God wanted recovery to be her choice, her will and her decision and was patient enough to let it come out that way...I was not and am not now God so I was obviously not the "higher" power in this endeavor.
I cared because I thought that life was much happier, joyous and free without booze and being drunk and I was hoping that she would arrive at the same conclusion.
I cared because I was a loyal, convinced fixer and never left the job.
I guess I could add more to this but the shortest version is that I cared because that is what I do for others. I wish miracles for them. I also care for sick animals and all sorts of things I view as hopeless and helpless whether they are or are not. I am not alone in this caretakers are legion. To stop caring would be against our very nature. We should care. HP wants us to do that...the right way.
It hurt because I was personally involved. I took the negative responses to my caring with deep hurt and pain the way people naturally do. The hurt and pain was normal to the situation. So I was normal for a person caught up in the disease of alcoholism. I was living as my family did before me because I was raised within the shadow of this disease and participated fully in it. It hurts. It is painful.
If you continue to go to meetings, sit down, listen with an open mind, learn, practice, practice, practice, read the literature, get a sponson and other peoples you can call when you need support and firstly...build a relationship with a power greater than yourself and your alcoholic, miracles will start to happen for you regardless of who, what, where, why, when or if your own personal alcoholic is drinking or not, in recovery or not. I have seen this work and it has worked for me...I had to work the program.
Sooooo keep coming back. Don't attempt this alone. It would be just like a crazy person trying to get themselves sane.
Hi there, Sorry to hear you feel the same way I do. I crushed my wedding ring with my foot a few years ago (not recommending you do this). The ring was as smashed and as broken as I was.
My AH bought me a new one. I took that one off a year ago and haven't worn it since. I told him I wouldn't wear it because every vow he promised when placing it on my finger, he has broken. I keep it in my purse in a jewelry box.
