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Haven't posted in a long time. I feel I got sucked back in Big time. E/ A/Bf called me just after the first of January, asking for my help. It was the worst I have ever seen him. Pain pills, muscle relaxers, slleeping pills and beer, hard liquor. And trying to raise his 8 year old son. This is a man who lived with me for two years, we went thru all kinds of hell together, split up but I still wanted to be his friend. So he moved away, we still kept in contact. So when he called in January and ask for my help, of course i went right down and picked up him and his son and moved them in with me. Told me he knows that he has a problem, he has a medical condition (no insurance) that he has put off for about 4 1/2 years. It has dragged him down, lost so much weight, and can no longer work. I feel like I have learned that only he can help himself, not me, I have learned to detach somewhat, I am learning, doing things for myself. But still feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards. My biggest problem now is his 8 year son. This is a lttle boy who I love so much, and most of the reason that I let them come back and live with me. His mother is in jail, no other close family. It was his choice to come and live with me. (Even though his dad was running out of people who even wanted anything to do with him). This little 8 year old has seen sssssoooo much. I have watched as he became the adult when dad was soooo bad. Now I don't have much say over how he behaves or what he does I pretty much leave that up to Dad. But I have observed that when dad goes on his liquor binges, and when his pain medication has been refilled that his son knows this and knows that dad is not the same person that he takes advantage and can do anything he wants to do, eat anything, anytime he wants to. All the things he is not allowed to do when dad is sober. I understand, but it's not right. It is driving me crazy, He just ignores me. What can I say, how can I talk to him and what do I say! Him and his dad are so close, but thier relationship is not a regular Dad and son. And I feel like I have no say when it comes to things he is doing that I don't approve of in my own home!
I know that I need to go back to Al-Anon, but with gas prices and I'm the only one working. It's hard. I feel so lost and isolated. Example: Yesterday when I got home from work Dad was on his way to getting real messed up, I told his son, when I picked him up from school bus, Dad is pretty messed up so can you just be kind of calm, we both know how he gets when he has been drinking all day. He said Ok! Well as soon as he gets thru the door, They start towel fighting, same thing they did yesterday. It continues for two hours. I tried to ignore it. Dad would say well that's enough, son would start back again. I've seen similar situatons and sometimes dad gets a little rough. He knows this, doesn't like to be put in that sitution. But still contuies to egg his dad on. Then he'll look at me sitting on the couch, he knows by the look in my eye that's saying (did'nt I ask you to try and be calm today) Nope, he just contiues on. Dad ask him to do his home work on computer, I went in his room. he's playing games. he would't have done that if dad had been sober. What do I do. Just feel at the end of my rope!! Thanks for listening.
When you care for someone as you obviously do this man and his child, it is so hard to know what to do in difficult situations such as what you are facing.
That said, this little boy needs stability. I can see that you want so much to provide that for him. At eight years of age and having the background he does, it seems to me you could really talk quite frankly to him. If he is in school, his teachers and the school personnel need to know the truth about what is going on. They can provide him with support when he is in that environment. But they can't help if they don't know what is actually happening. Are any social agencies involved with the man and this child? It sounds as if that kind of intervention is sorely needed. The little guy's welfare is very much in question. You can only do so much really if you are not legally able to make decisions for him.
I wish you peace and blessings today as you struggle with this. I hope that those on this site who are much wiser and further into their own recovery than I will respond to you with their knowledge and help.
I am have been living with a man for 4 years who grew up living the type of life you describe this 8 year old going through. He must have had someone wonderful in his life like you because his heart appears to be really good but he is an Ah and he has severe control and emotional issues. He told me this morning when you watch TV and they say "don't change that channel" he just HAS to change the channel. He just hates being told what to do. This has cost him jobs and relationships etc. I tell you this small example to tell you that the "programming" the child is getting right now is critical in large and small ways that will remain the rest of his life. If you care more for the child than the Dad I can say if it was me I would pull out all the stops to help him. School help, social services help everything. Learn what you may be doing to hurt situation and how you can help. I don't want to give advice (like I am) but I am living with the man this boy will grow up to be and I am like on FIRE right now wanting to help! Okay don't know if that is healthy or not but how I feel! It is not fair that he has to be told to stay "calm" because dad is drinking- that is exactly the issue with my AH he had to do this or that to survive his life as a child and now he struggles in his life as an adult. If you choose to stop this cycle and help this child you are a saint. May I also say that if he ends up in a formal "foster care" state system it will be worse for him not better as no one there has the one on one attention to pay to the situation. Are you in a place where you are able to help? Is there anything I can do to encourage you or help. I know alot about this as I was a foster parent for 11 years and saw many children go through lots of state funded counseling, programs etc. when what they needed was one person to help- and the counseling/ I ran a group home and did what I could but kids need individualized attention in these situations.
Wow, I remember when you split up with this guy and the torment you went through about his son. It's so hard! That child is in deep trouble and if somebody doesn't step in he's going to go down a very bad road. I'm dealing with problems with my 8 year old who acts out in every possible way there is to act out! They need consistency and discipline before it's too late and they get into their teen years thinking they can run the show. (I have one of those too).
All you can do is what you can do. You know that you're completely enabling this guy to continue using and you're working to support all three of you? I would just say point blank to the guy, you need to leave. Your son can stay but you have to go. If he leaves and takes his son I would immediately call CPS and make a report as well as talking to whoever will listen at the school so that you know you have done everything you can for the boy. He shouldn't have to suffer because of "the sins of his father". Maybe if he loses his son it will lead to him seeking help, maybe you can petition for temporary custody but either way, you have to do what's right for you and look out for yourself. All you can do is try to communicate with him rationally, point out what he's doing to his son and offer him the option of you having some kind of temporary custody. He needs to get out and figure his issues out. That's what I would do.
Sisdragonfly, it is difficult, if not impossible, to break a relationship with someone, and still remain, "friends." Especially when one is a using addict so deeply mired in self-destruction. It just doesn't work. You are back in it up to your beautiful eyeballs, and it is going to drag you down with it.
Of course you have compassion; and yes, you feel great empathy for his innocent child. But what is best for you has got to become your deepest concern and concentration. THis isn't it!!!
You have hard decisions to make, and I send you prayers and positive energy to help lighten the burden.
(((((((((sisdragonfly)))))))))))
Diva.
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Sis,I am sitting here thinking about what I can say to you.
You are telling the story of my nephew.Mother is a meth addict.
Your little guy is being Mr.Tough guy partially becuz he feels he has to be.Dad sure isn't. He is crying out for boundaries.
He does not really like all this freedom.Makes for a very insecure child.
What can you do? More what do you want to do? Will the A allow you to get guardianship of the boy? Would the mom release custody so you could adopt him?
Contacting child services is a last resort.It is NOT what most people wish it was.
I was a theraputic foster home.My girl had been in 47 homes in four years. She had been raped more than once,just on and on. This is typical.
It sounds like all this is ruining your life.IF you cannot help the child,and you want to save your life,it may be time to send them away.
If you choose to keep them there,all you can do is be the best example possible for him. Will dad allow you to help him? Consequences for behavior etc?
I would not keep junk food in the house. You are paying the bills.Is this A abusive to you?
Would Dad go to detox? Maybe if he dried out for awhile he might be open to you legally being the childs guardian or?
I can tell you right now,if dad leaves,
this little guy is going to be asking when will I see daddy again? Does the boy get to visit mom?Is she an addict too?
Sis you are so caring to be so concerned about the boy.If you were assertive,layed out the rules,set him on a routine, would dad fight that?
What does the child like to do? If you can,keep him busy,playing guitar, ride horses,skateboarding, skiing, Boys and girls club, Find his passion,feed that.Help him to focus on him. Karate is wonderful to help them feel secure and have a sense of their own power.
I was a widow, sons father an absent addict. (my first husband died) I honestly believe if my Mother and I had not scrimped to get him motorcycles,bikes take him and sister swimming,etc.he would be in prison now.
As it was sis I arranged for him to go on a serious survival trek/counseling therapy. He found his power and I was never prouder.He now is an adventurous biologist self taught.fishes, hikes,backpacks is always out side doing something.
I will keep you all in my prayers. I hope so much this child can be saved.
