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This is going to be a whiney post, but I just need to get it out.
My ah is trying to redeem himself as a father, which I know I should appreciate, but it bugs me! Yesterday while I was at work, and he wasn't, he left a voicemail asking if I wanted him to pick up anything for my daughter's bday party this weekend. I couldn't think of anything immediately, so I didn't respond. Actually, all I could think of is "why are you out spending $ rather than earning it?"
In the afternoon, my daughter started calling that she needed me to pick her up early because her stomach hurt. In the situation I was in, I couldn't leave for about 45 min, and I was a 30 min drive away. This is all new, for both of us, as we were used to me always being available to her. Anyhow, I gave her some options and she eventually got a hold of her dad and he picked her up. I follow up and find she is throwing up and he said that she wants to be home with me tonight rather than be sick at his apt (it was his night with the kids). Also, do I want him to pick up the little one from daycare?
So, I missed my only al-anon meeting of the week and am trying to focus on that it was because of what my daughter needed and not that his custody only includes healthy kids.
In one of our fights a while ago, he faulted me for being a stay-at-home mom for so many yrs (even though it was a decision we both made ) and in his anger, said I didn't do anything during that time. Well, you know what? During that time I never had to tell my child, "I'm sorry you don't feel well, but I can't help you right now", like I did today.
So, I know I should feel grateful that he is stepping up to the plate some, but instead I just feel like it is all "a day late and a dollar short". During our entire marriage, all I ever wanted was a partner in my parenting and he never had the time. His work and his needs were absolute priority and we got what was left over, which was measly at best. So now, he has more time, thanks to his Diversion Program and forced sobriety, but it is more than that. It is his desire and mindset as well. He will focus on getting well and on the kids, but our marriage still doesn't matter.
On top of this, is that this past Sun. he was off doing something and was incredibly secretive about it. Yes, I know, none of my business, but it still drives me crazy! I have such a hard time letting it go and coming to peace with the fact that I never will know. He is not trustworthy and not a person I respect, what is my problem?
I know that some of you have husbands/exs whom you would love to have involved in your childrens' lives in the manner I described, and I am sensitive to that. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he was just completely gone. I am tired of him playing with my emotions. I need to move on. I have my first official meeting with my attorney on Friday to get the ball rolling. I feel like I have been in this hell forever and don't really see the end. I am trying to stay strong and trust God that good will come out of it, but I can't even imagine that right now.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
(((((Lou)))))) All of his "a little bit in" and "a little bit out" of your life and your children's lives can understandably be frustrating. I find that I'm better with NO contact with my A, rather than a little bit - but that's an easy fix for me because we do not have children together. My ex husband (not the A) and I have a child together and it was never hard with us, because there was no emotion tied to it. That's the key.
Lou, from your posts, I can tell that you work a good program - and I have no doubt that you will forge through this. I think that the meeting with your attorney will empower you and possibly help you turn an important corner.
One thing to remember...your children have their own relationship with their dad - independent of you. And as a therapist once told me - allow that relationship to be what it is (good, bad, or indifferent). When they get older, the full picture will come into view for them and they will realize who he is, and who you are and they will see the truth of the situation. Sounds like your relationship with your children is a very close one - and that will serve them well in their lives.
I was just thinking this morning of the mind games my A plays with a little in a little out so to a certain extent I know how you feel. I pictured it today as walking though a think huge field of marshmellow cream you push forward for so long then you get tired and want to give up but then your in the middle of the thick gunk and have to push hard the other way to get back to where you were. But maybe just maybe if you continued to push forward you could reach the other side ( being living with the A in a happy healthy way) which you or at least I so desperately wanted at first. So for me I end up going in circles in the middle of this think gunk- missing out on my life while I try to decied what which way to go.
I wouldn't call this whiney at all. These are real issues and you are just figuring out how all of this is going to work. It is really difficult for so many reasons. The logistics and the emtions involved can't just be ignored. And you are not ignoring them. Good for you (sucks though, doesn't it?).
I think it all takes time. Adjusting. The kids will be ok probably quicker than you and your ex will.As you know, I have one of those ex's that walked away. It is hard and it is ok. I do not have anyone else to turn to as far as picking up the kids, or stopping at the store or sharing the good and the bad of parenting. The worst of it is the pain the kids have gone thru being abandonded AGAIN. That is the worst. But I had to walk away, No Contact because my ex was abusive and mentally ill and had no desire to change either of those things.
Anyway, I see that you know to feel grateful for what you are getting from him, but maybe you don't "feel" it yet? That seems perfectly normal at this stage. And as far as what he was being secretive about, well, that is just another one of his games to keep you hooked. He doesn't want to give you up. But he wants to live life on his terms only. Now, what gets to you....him "doing his own thing" so, he'll make darn sure you know he's "doing his own thing". Hooked. After all, why would he bother being secretive at this point? Why wouldn't he just live the program and live an honest open life there by showing you the respect you deserve? Untrustworthy and still hanging onto that liar part. MHO is that he isn't as done as he professes to be. What can you do about that? Exactly what you are doing....living your life.
Ugh, the frustration of it all. If you read my posts earlier this week you know that I took my kids to see my AH at the beach this past Sunday. He is more out than in and I haven't heard a peep from him since he called Monday to say he had just then gotten home. I can say for certain that when dealing with someone who is not stable it IS better if they are just gone all together. I, like serendipity, have no one to call when my kids are sick, my kids hear constantly sorry I don't know what to tell you... You're going to school anyway... I don't have any sick time left... We can't afford that... etc. But you know what... I think in the end it teaches them that they have to rely on themselves and that they have to learn ways to solve their own problems. Some of my kids are great at enlisting help from other sources when they need it. Others, not so good.
I get so angry sometimes when I look back and see how unbalanced our relationship was, it was always ME who picked them up from school/daycare, me who took them to the dr. or dentist, me who did EVERYTHING for them. Seems to me if he wants to be a parent it has to be during the good and bad times not just when it's fun and convenient for him. I don't think I have ever met a man who was a good parent. My father sucked, I don't have a frame of reference other than TV. I question their existence but I know there are some out there - elusive like bigfoot maybe? LOL
Anyway, for me it just came down to recognizing that yes I am alone in this, completely alone, but in reality I always have been. The kids were always completely MY responsibility. For me, some is more of a hassle for me than none. I am the one who deals with the emotional fallout when he doesn't feel like being a father anymore.
Lou, you are correct: IT IS EASIER WHEN THEY ARE JUST COMPLETELY GONE. I mean, you know the lay of the land and you know what you need to accomplish. Everything is much more predictable and manageable. I honestly do believe it is much harder to deal with the inconsistencies and the dramas that the A's drum up. I think you are dealing with it really well. Hang in there and take care- Hugs, J.
Thanks for the alert...It was a whiney one!! I remember mine and I remember my sponsors reactions basically "get off of the pity pot and back onto your program." Recovery is change. Change is difficult at best and impossible when I keep reaching back into the past for justiifications for my refusal to change and to power up my blaming into the future. I just give away my today. "It wasn't all her fault I kept reminding myself. What was my part in the whole crazy thing?" When she was in recovery I wasn't pure and simple. When I was in recovery the focus and blaming came to a halt and I was consigning myself to my sponsor and my HP. Just because she was in recovery it didn't give me any release on the past...I still needed to bring her down for what she had done "to me" (all about me!!) and unwittingly I did and didn't even know that I did after she came home from one of her AA meetings and asked me (it's all about me) if I thought she was an alcoholic. Not even knowing what alcoholism was or who or what an alcoholic was I responded "No" and she went back out again....grrrrr. I'm not stupid. A person has to use their brain to make stupid mistakes. I never used my brain...I used my hurt ego and pride instead and got the exact opposite of what either of us wanted. Cunning powerful and baffling. Step 2...Came to believe that a Power greater than ourself could lead us to sanity.
Don't rush your recovery. Take it one step at a time...one day at a time.
What a ride on the roller coaster you have had - emotions spin us in both directions at once - glad for the help but it's about time or some relief but resentful. Relief (ie you had a ride for a sick child) and anger and a whole bunch of emotions. One being fear of how it was all going to work out and anger hides fear and then there is frustration for all the uncertainty.
This is what I am focusing on right now too - trying to always remember that faith and confidence will take away all my fear and uncertainty. As my traveling AH is gone a week and back a week the transitions are rough but holding on to faith and confidence that things will work out, trying to focus on me and not the AH plus lots of help from HP makes it a little oasis of calm for me. Constant work right now though and hoping it will become more automatic. If I deal with the fear of all the things that could or are happening without HP then my fears escalate to anger which I often turn inside so deal with apathy and depression. If I do get angry it is more apt to be irritable and cranky while I am around my kids and it has nothing to do with them.
So just trying to carve out a life for me, do things the same as I always do with kids whether AH around or not, as conflict or chaos starts I stay out of things between kids and AH, surprised & trying to be grateful for any help from AH and not thinking about it ----------- these are all goals I am trying to work on.
Kids here are missing school, grades are slipping and homework not done (say it is but not done for semester at all) , AH planned to get involved with the parenting but business took up his time again tonight. After bedtime, I said I'd take care of it tomorrow and not to worry about it. Just to claim some participation, I guess, he hollered at one kid who was on his way to bed that tomorrow we'd talk about homework etc etc. The kid has no idea what AH knows, what he is talking about or what is going to happen now. That will make for restful sleep!!! This kid has detention that AH doesn't even know about from angry outbust in lunchroom. What a week!
I hate the uncertainty of how things get done, whether there will be any help and if we are giving the same message to the kids - it is such hard work somedays especially when my feelings get loose re fear, anger, frustration etc etc and sad, hurt, left out. I sure do understand and feel the pain you have. The only thing I know to do that helps is detaching big time so I keep practicing that but it's hard cause I don't really down deep want to detach either. But I will cause I need some sanity around here and can't wait until I am really good at not letting a thing AH does affect me one way or another. Ever hear that old saying that it rolls off me like water off a duck. Hang in there!! Glad the things that needed to be done got done and thinking about you with sick kids. Take good care of you too. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
It is bittersweet. I guess what I am getting from your post is this: perhaps he can only concentrate on the kids and his sobriety. That's all he can handle at this point. Staying sober is not easy, especially when it's forced on him. I had to lower my expectations when A got sober the second time around. The first time, I was jealous of the people he was with (AA) as well as the lack of time for me. With an addict, sober or not, it's always about them for a while.
Having said that I know how hard it can be on you. It's a rollercoaster while they are drinking, and another when they get sober. Have I told you how much I hate rollercoasters? Can't stand the ride, nor the emotional ones either. I am an absolute wimp on the real ones. Thank goodness for Alanon. It has made the emotional ride much easier to handle. Believe it or not, you're doing better than you think. I can hear the strength in your voice. Keep the focus on you and your family. You're in a new stage of your life and there's lots to . It can be hard on anyone. Take a deep breath and turn the rest over to HP. All will be well. Hope your daughter is feeling better. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am an absolute wimp on the real ones. Thank goodness for Alanon. It has made the emotional ride much easier to handle. Believe it or not, you're doing better than you think. I can hear the strength in your voice. Keep the focus on you and your family. You're in a new stage of your life and there's lots to 
. It can be hard on anyone. Take a deep breath and turn the rest over to HP. All will be well. Hope your daughter is feeling better. Love and blessings to you and your family.