The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Maresie was posting recently about wanting someone to come and take her away, to protect her and make everything better. I just realized today that I have been wanting the same thing.
I have been telling myself that I am not enabling my AH by not pitching in with our business. I tell myself that if I start earning money, he will think he doesn't have to work. Well, our financial picture is bleak even when he is doing well. What I realized today is that I just want him to earn the money so I don't have to work so hard. But, where does my responsibility to myself begin? Is it really fair to expect him to make all the money for the house? What if he drops dead tomorrow?
We both grew up with very successful fathers, and mothers who didn't have to work. I think I am living the life I think I should have had, instead of the one I actually have. Just because I don't want to work doesn't mean I don't have to work. Why don't I want to try in life? Because I am afraid.
I don't even know if any of this makes sense, even to me. Thanks for reading. I hate "this time of the month."
you know for me, bsteps, working is not just about making money. In fact, the earning the money piece is of way less importance (to me) than the great feeling of participating out in the larger world. This can also be accomplished in volunteer work. Working gets me out of my home and away from the people there, out of that world. It opens me up. Working can be an alternate universe. New ideas and concepts and ways of thinking have a better chance of registering when I am outside of my home, working. Working keeps me limber in mind, body, soul and spirit. For me, working makes me feel good. I get to be out there mixing it up, fielding situations and people and experiencing different dynamics. I feel good when I work because I am also contributing to my household and providing for myself and my loved ones. I know I do that at home, also but the wider picture keeps me open, balanced and breezy and I really need this to be the happy little light that I am. Hugs, J.
"I think I am living the life I think I should have had, instead of the one I actually have."
Great insight - I'd follow this idea and see where it leads you.
And, I agree with Jean - getting out of the house and having somethig else to think about is very good for alanons, who tend to otherwise obsess about the A.
i can say for me that when I was with the A I got totally non functional. I could not get a job to save my life. I would get so absolutely torn up with frustration at the A I would be exhausted and not do that well at work. I got to the point of not being able to function at all. I could barely summon the energy to get out of bed let alone go for interviews. The A railed against that. Yet he never ever cooperated beyond the first few months we were together. He made my life very very difficult. He would do an alternative, demand demand, demand then ignore ignore ignore. He'd demand I give him every bit of energy and attention and funds then drop me like a hot potato. I could not name it and just fumed and fumed and fumed into a disastorous depression. Now I name that kind of splitting and if someone does demand demand demand I name it.
I fell into such a huge hole with the A and I am barely clawing my way out of it.
I do long for a partnership but I have never had it.
Although I personally know exactly of the situation you are speaking of, I am going to relate a little story about my A brother and my sis-in-law. It's much easier than talking about me, because her story is waay better than mine (tee hee) They had a glorious life. My bro worked as an engineer, and my sil was a certified teacher who reveled in being a stay-at-home mom and homeschooling her 5 kids.
Long story short, my bro decided to become an entrepreneur, failed miserably, and the aism and pot addiction took a strong hold. He lost all thier money, including retirement. For a long time my sis-in-law stood firm to the principle that her husband should work and provide for his family. Well, one day she woke up and realized that standing firm to your principles doesn't pay the bills, and she was stressed! She went out and got a job as a teacher at a private school and brought her kids to school with her. The income was measly and she worked her tail off 7 days a wk, supplementing her income with jobs related to her horses. My bro jost got worse. He had a couple of jobs, but got fired. Finally, she realized she was miserable, broke and very tired, and acknowledged that she could not depend on my bro to take care of her family. She kicked him out (via jail) and took one day at a time. No matter what, she realized it was her responsibility to take care of herself and her kids, and that she must get on with her life as if my bro was not there nor would be coming back. She was terrified.
She himmed and hawed for she did not want to be working 40 hrs a wk and away from her kids. She prayed about it, and ended up landing an awesome job in sales for a national corporation (the same company and dept. my bro was fired from with 3x the pay- OUCH!) She had absolutley no experience but got the job for her tenacity and personality. She now is amazed how much she loves it and can't believe she gets paid for talking on the phone! Even more so, she says knowing she can provide for her family far outweighs the value of staying home with the financial stresses that come with it.
Anyhow, I tell you this story because I believe if she could do it (and with 5 kids in tow) anyone can. This woman inspires me!
Babysteps, if you decide to get a job, do it for you. It's about way more than money, it's about taking care of yourself and finding out how worthy you are. You can do it!
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 07:33, 2008-03-06
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
