Help need advice ASAP - Al-Anon Family Group

MIDGET · Veteran Member

Help need advice ASAP

concerned123 · Member

This is a tough situation that you are in. My only advice would be that you need to really listen to your heart. Do you feel you need to the restraining order for your and your kids safety? Did you get the restraining order mainly to get him out of the house? Only you can answer these questions. You need to look out for yourself and your kids and let him deal with him. So my advice is, do what is in the best interest of yourself and your kids, whatever that may be.

ESH · Senior Member

You are in the best position to determine what is the very best choice for YOU and your kids. Do what you know is right for yourself. Unfortunately you cannot control any outcomes for the AH... that is for him to deal with.

Heartbroken · Senior Member

No one here can make that decision for you. The decision is for you to make and you have all the facts at hand.

YOUR BUSINESS/CONCERN/RESPONSIBILITY:
Examine your reasons for getting a restraining order. Examine the situation as it is now. Examine your heart and conscience. Do what you have to do to ensure that you and your children are safe and if there is no safety issue here regarding the children and yourself then question if you need to continue with the RO.

AH's BUSINESS/CONCERN/RESPONSIBILITY:
DEPENDING ON YOUR DECISION TO CONTINUE WITH THE RO - If you continue your AH will know he has to attend or take the consequences. That may mean he has to return to attend court and then go back to his brothers. THAT IS HIS CONCERN, HIS BUSINESS, HIS CHOICE, NOT YOURS.

That is it in a nutshell as I see it from where I am standing at the moment. You get to chose, and only you will know the reasons for your final choice. Whatever, the children must come first, they are in your care at present and cannot take care of themselves, and whilst that is the case you have to do the best for them, given the resources you have at hand.

Take care, it is tough, though there seems to be a good way to deal with this if thought is applied and panic does not rule the day.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Midget))))),

Can you call your attorney and see what he/she has to say about all of this? If you really want the restraining order perhaps there's a way for them to issue it without him being there. I don't know. Like the others have said only you can do what is best for you. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty smile

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

That would be my feeling, too - talk to someone who understands the ins and outs of the legality of all of this, and make your decision based on those facts, and on what is best for you and the kids.

Couple things - try to keep in mind reality, rather than wishful thinking. If past events lead you to believe that you or the kids could be in any danger, trust that, rather than your wish that there is no threat. Also, try to keep your motivations clear and open in your mind - is there any manipulation here, are you doing things in order to 'get' him to respond... There is absolutely nothing wrong with acting openly and honestly in your own best interests. This has the added advantage of usually being the best thing for the A, too, even if it may not look like it at the time. Cushioning his fall is not good for him, either.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I filed for a restraining order. I think you may be confused. They do not go to jail if they don't show up for the hearing, they go to jail if they violate the order. Your AH can write the Judge a letter stating he is taking care of a sick relative and reschedule the hearing. A restraining order is a civil matter and it has to be approved by a Judge. After it is approved then it can go into criminal issues. If your AH does not show up for the hearing you can still get the restraining order as he didn't show up (presumably he was "served" with the papers. You can check all this out by calling a Battered Womens Shelter and speaking to a legal advocate.

Maresie

Leetle · Senior Member

(((((((((((midget))))))))))
I too would check the legal end of this. My area is the same as Maresie's, where if they don't show for the hearing it just means the RO continues. When they violate it, is where they could face jail time. If that is the case where you are, you don't need to worry about making a decision you are not comfortable with.

Be safe, put yourself and your children's safety first.

Sending you my best wishes.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I wish I had managed to get a restraining order (long story). I would get one now if the A bothered me at all. I think a restraining order is helpful. I think it holds the boundary. If you dont show up for the hearing the restraining order is dropped but there is a record you filed one. That helps I think.

If you think there may be a custody issue having a restraining order could help.

I know what it is to be on total overwhelm. We all do here. So keep posting about what is going on for you.

maresie.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a RO. I once did almost exactly this same thing. Same reasons and all. No sick brother tho. I backed out of the divorce and cancelled the RO and moved all around the country with him. I dealt with 2 1/2 more years of not knowing what was going to happen in the next moment, sold my house, left everyone I know and ended up 3000 miles from home alone with 3 kids and wishing I would have just followed through the first time! Now I am trying to save enough money to get a lawyer (it was free the first time and custody was included). My RO expires at the end of the month and my A could take our son at that point and there would be nothing I could do. Scary thought. I have no advice to you other than protect yourself and your children first. Also, you might want to see if a RO can be part of the divorce until the proceedings are done. In WA where I filed that first time, they automatically put a RO on the respondent until the case was settled.

AND
In my experience with this in 2 very different states, the RO only causes the A to go to jail if he violates it! Not showing up is not a violation.

-- Edited by carolinagirl at 15:08, 2008-03-05

MIDGET · Veteran Member

Thanks for all the "life experiences". I really do appreaciate the input.! wink

Im going to court tomarrow,to cont the restraining order. I spoke to my almost ex AH. And he is in Fl taking care of his sick bro.BUT he couldve changed flight plans to come back to Indy for the court date.There is another Bro tht could step in.And when I spoke to him (yes I know we broke the PO) he said if there is a warrant thn he "will have somewhere to live" meaning jail .. Hes playing my sympathy. furious

Here in Indy , the judge can put out a "bench warrant" if you miss any court date tht is violent related. I already asked the lawyer.
See I got the restraining order and had the Sherriff evict him the same day I filled for divorce
So I got tons of info,and paper work.. bleh

Any way Im going thru w this.After I had a chance to step back and look at EVERYTHING,, I realized hes manipulated me ,,and is still trying. weirdface

If he REALLY wanted to make sure he could see the kids,,, hed be here.And as far as agreeing to my terms of the divorce,, I noticed he hasnt signed the papers ,, till after he finds out what happens in court tommarrow....(smaking my forehead,, weirdface

,duh!!).Somedays I think I dont know anything ,, thn there is instant clarity...Wish me luck ?!?!?!?! smile

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