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My daughter's father called and left a message on my answering machine. He found out where we live and my phone number. It's been 8 years since I have seen or heard from him. The last time I saw him he was on drugs and drinking, was physically and verbally abusive. I had to get supervised visitation due to his drug and alcohol abuse while having our daughter. The police were called and it was a horrible mess until the courts granted supervised visitation with court ordered drug and alcohol testing. He didn't show up for the testing and we never saw him again. It has been a financial struggle for the past 8 years since he would not pay child support, but we managed to make it by the grace of God. I come home today and find a message from him. My world feels like it is falling apart. I feel so angry. He cannot just waltz in after 8 years and want to and expect for me to comply to his wishes. I know he is still drinking and doing drugs. I know he will wind up showing up and causing a scene. Please, please God help me. I just want us to have a quiet, stable life without the chaos and abuse that comes with him. What am I supposed to do? I will be watching over my shoulder now and feeling like a prisoner again.....a prisoner yet again of his addiction. I HATE this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh ((((kissers)))) What a nightmare!! I am in a similar situation. I got supervised visitation for my kids and their father decided that they weren't worth the trouble and has since stopped seeing them. And as we all know, he lives 3 blocks from me. Anyway, my nightmare is where this is all going to end. He also refuses to pay support and I am scraping by till Sept. when it looks like I will have to get a second job. What is with these guys? And WHY does HP allow them to reproduce? I know I would have had these kids no matter what but why with this shmuck?
I have no idea what to tell you except you have choices. You do not have to react to him. You can choose to ignore him, go to the police and see what your options are. Talk to him, let him know that nothing has changed on your end and if he wants to see your child he can go thru the system and pay support (8 years is ALOT of arrears). Otherwise you will take any more contact from him as harrassment and report him to the police. You are not the same woman you were 8 years ago and just because he is the same doesn't mean you have to be. You do not have to play the game or do his dance.
Good luck and let us know what happens. I'll be saying a prayer for you and your child.
Whoa, I can feel your fear. Stay calm, your going to be allright. Hope this isn't out of line.
Lets start with the serenity prayer. Maybe a look at the third step and renew or reaffirm that You and the children are still in the care of God. Trust God, Trust the program.
You do not have to react to the phone call. You do not have to call him back. You are in the drivers seat. Perhaps there is a child support warrant out for him. I think your local sheriff might be able to find out for you. Any way he might be able to tell you of your legal options. They vary by state and locale. Knowing your options if he creates a scene are just good preparation.
Don't want to alarm you but review an exit plan, keys hidden near car, back exit for kids. You can tell em its for a fire drill. A few bucks stashed near the keys and some minimal clothes in case you have to sneak out in your underwear. We had signals for hiding then slipping out to the back of the old brown Fairlane station wagon. Sometimes we just stayed put under a blanket until he passed out, sometimes down the road we went.
Review your detachment stuff. Don't create a crisis nor prevent one sort of stuff. I'm sure you've learned a lot but youv'e been able to grow rusty. :) If he says he's sober and has all your money tell him to send it to the proper authorities before you'll talk further. See if the Sheriff agrees. This is a ruse or even a possibility I would expect.
Consider this. You are strong. You make the decisions and you can choose to look over your shoulder or disregard/ignore the whole thing. I recently read a very interesting book called "Happier than God" by Neale Donald Walsch. In it he discussed "reacting". He said that reacting is just acting from memory, thus "re"-acting an event that took place in the past. What you are feeling now is old fears, an illusion of sorts because the same things are not happening now as what happened then. This is a different time and place. What happens now is within your control and your thoughts/fear can either take you back to that old fear or you can choose to move forward with strength and tenacity that you have within.
He also said just about everything is an illusion. It only becomes real when we decide how we want to internalize it. Until we do, it just "is".
Something to think about isn't it? I really loved this book.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I really wish this was an illusion, but this is reality. I am going to change my phone number, then I am going to change my last name, then I am moving out of state. If he shows up, I will ignore him. If he harasses me, I will get a restraining order. If he comes knocking on the door, I won't answer.
ugh, kissers, I can feel my own stomach falling down a million stories on your behalf.
I wish I could tuck you into some kind of witness protection program but it sounds like you are swiftly doing that for yourself. Like Siggie Weaver in Alien, you need to strap yourself into your giant industrial outfit and get to work on taking care of this "situation". Kissers you have my every prayer and protection wish.
I don't own a gun; however, I do have mace and a whistle. I am planning to take the necessary steps and to keep the focus on taking care of me and my daughter. Thank you all so much for your support. I will not allow him to be the center of my world. I have worked to hard in my program to let it all go over him calling and threatening to show up. My anxiety is gone now. I feel very strong and capable of taking care of matters as they arise, if need be. Thank you, thank you so much!!!!!!!! I love you all.
ACK! He's back after 8 years? The first thing I thought of when I read your post was something that I had read somewhere... that "it is hard to get rid of an alcoholic."
There are some of us who are in the process of "getting rid" of our alcoholic... or so we think... we are not sure which way things will go just yet because we are so ambivalent about it right now. One day we feel strong, "That's IT! He's outta here!" The next day we fall to our knees begging, "Oh, God! Please bring him home safely!"
Some of us have alcoholics who have left and we are having a rough time filling that huge hole that they left in our lives. We are raw and we wander around aimessly, trying to figure out what to do with this very loud silence in our lives.
Others have been without their alcoholic for some time now and feel as if they have finally moved on and found peace. Ahhhhh... it sort of feels like self-actualization!
And then there are those of us like yourself who find our peaceful existance shattered by a phone call from an alcoholic that we figured was gone forever. And all of those old feelings come flooding back and we are on a roller coaster ride again in an instant.
kisser, What I meant was....try to react from where you are NOW, not from where you were THEN. It's not a bad thing to remember and protect ourselves but it can be devistating to bring old fear forward and live in it when in reality the actions don't exist in the present.
It's kind of in the genre of panic attacks. People have old fears and relive them as if they were happening again and again, and it's not. They are reliving it and reacting to the past.
I don't mean to discount your fears in any way. I just found this a excellant way of dealing with old baggage, by realizing it is not in the now. He is not physically and verbally abusive NOW. I'm sure he can be and you have every right to protect yourself ,but this is more about protecting and calming your inner self.
Christy
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
He disappeared for 8 years, he's perfectly capable of doing it again. I would change my number, talk to any neighbors and ask them to be on the lookout and go down to the local DV shelter or courthouse and get a restraining order against your home, work, daughter's school. I would NOT return the call. Only problem here might be getting him served unless you know where he is. Service is free for a RO and THIS TIME make it permanent! Hopefully this will all be too much trouble and he'll go away.
