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I just got a call from my daughter's school she needs, needs needs. This is the one who is constantly acting out. The teacher caught me on the phone and said she's probably going to fail and have to repeat the 3rd grade this year. She never does homework, she doesn't participate in class, etc. I am at my wits end and have been crying and crying and feel like a failure as a mother. All of my kids are doing horrible in school. My son is the same way, doesn't pay attention in class, doesn't do his homework. Problem is I can't keep track of it all, who is supposed to be doing what, etc. I am stretched beyond breaking and a week long break at the nuthouse is starting to sound REALLY appealing! I don't know what to do!
((CG)) I would ask the professionals, actually. I would ask the teachers, the principals, whomever directly works with your kids "What do you think I should do to help take care of my kids?" My sponsor is a big fan of "Just the facts." Telling "just the facts" tell them the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth (I think you did this with one of the kids?). See what they say. See how they handle it. See what they recommend. And, you know what, maybe going for professional help yourself won't be a bad idea. Worked for me.
I did this. The teacher is in a big hurry to have me sign a phone conference note so that she can hold her back for another year. I got the feeling that she has given up on her as a hopeless case and moved on. I'm really not sure what to do but I know my child is completely miserable.
OK Carolinagirl, take a breath. Cry if you need to, let it out. This is something very real to cry about.
What can you do right this minute? First take care of you. Take a bit and regroup. Now, what can you do to help the situation? There are all kinds of alternative schools around here. Is there a summer school she can go to? Is there a school counclior who cares and can step in?
When the school called last year to tell me my oldest was cutting herself I just wanted to give up. I called the ex and he told me it was all my fault and I was a bad mother and THEN he began a very abusive rant. I told him to shove it and gave myself a hug. That might have been the day I finally stopped going to the hardware store for bread. Then next call I made was to councliors. I searched for one that I could afford, and who understood the addiction dysfunction aspect. My kids have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.
It is not hopeless. You know how strong you are and you will handle this. This is managable. What is the worst case senerio? She spends the rest of her life in 3rd grade? How likely is that? That she has to repeat 3rd grade? Talking to these teachers and getting their input and help can be invaluable. Do they understand what you kids have been thru? I know you said you're not a church person, but it is such a great resource. It is a place where your kids can meet other grown ups who care about them. It helps keep to a schedual ( M-F we go to school, Sat. we do something fun and Sun. we go to church.) Keeps them doing something. Plus, it gives you an hour or two to be with other adults. There are a billion different churches and beliefs out there. I bet you could find one that fits. For me it has helped in re-inforcing the whole respect issue.
This is way harder than I ever would have believed being a single parent. But I wouldn't trade all of this pain and stress for going back to the insanity of having the A in my life. The constant fear. I do believe that the scars he left on the kids are what they pick at and get attitudes about. Your kids are still healing. You are still healing. And here comes ex phoning and making himself a presence in your lives. That is hard and confusing for all involved. So, take some time. Tell those teachers they need to have patience and understanding and they need to help you with these kids. After all they are with your kids more than you are. It takes a village and they are part of your village. Put your arms around your baby and tell her you love her no matter what, because you do.
I feel bad for all that you are going through, but would also suggest that perhaps this is not necessarily a BAD thing? Is it really all that devastating if your daughter does get held back, and has to repeat the 3rd grade? Like everyone (at all ages), there need to be consequences for our behavior, even at the age of 8..... Perhaps this will be a bit of a wakeup call to her, and will give additional credibility to the concerns that you have no doubt raised with her.....
Just another perspective here..... One day at a time, my friend....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Might also ask the school if they have discussion groups for the kids who are having life problems and are on campus. I use to facilitate groups in elem, secondary and high back when and those groups worked to help kids help themselves....just like what we do here.
Holding her back now may be a blessing for the future. She will have another year of maturity and may be better prepared to move ahead then. Also, if a child needs to be held back, it is good to do it in the lower grades when peer pressure is not quite as influential.
Hang on. I know it cannot be easy, but this is something you have to see through.
Thinking of you with caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I know some schools offer after school one on one help. Perhaps this is something you may want to look into. Also having a mentor of sorts perhaps an older student? And if you can afford it a tutor? I would contact the school board and explain your situation, and see what is out there for you. I know I had issues with my daughter, and I stuck her in private school for one year, this was exactly what she needed to get her education back on track. My other daughter I put her in an alternative school, both of my girls now have long since graduated, and have moved on in life and careers. Keep searching til you find the answer you seek,,,dont give up..........(((((((((hugs)))))))
This is what I have been thinking, actually I guess I'm in panic mode somewhat. I keep saying ok what can I do and also it seems that even if I do something now it may be too late for this year. I am going to call the principal after lunch and schedule a morning meeting so that I can talk to them about my concerns and why I don't get more communication about her not doing her work and why when I talk to the teacher does she seem to not really care either way and have washed her hands of my daughter. She's got an it's MY problem not hers attitude. I called the daycare lady to enlist her help and she's willing. I am going to sign daughter up for saturday school which is one hour every saturday to get extra help. I told her when I talked to her that there will be no tv for her until her grades improve. I'm trying to think of other ways to reinforce the doing of homework and improving of grades. YES it is a terrible thing to have her be held back. She will be a year older than all the kids in her class for the rest of the time until she graduates, she will have to spend a whole extra year living at home, she will have the stigma of being dumb or stupid and this will probably add to her already low self esteem... She just isn't vested in succeeding. I have only seen her be excited about school 2 times this entire year and that was for special projects. One more reason to move away from here... UGH~! There are SOOOOO many retired people here if I could just enlist the help of one couple to be foster grandparents, it would change the lives of both my youngest children!
Thanks for all the suggestions... My daughter is already in a "behavior" group at school. I am having the meeting today with the place who is supposed to provide mentor and tutoring services as well as individual/family counseling which I am hoping is going to be as good as it sounds. I contacted big brothers/sisters a few weeks back and they don't operate in my area.
You can do it CG, I know you can. You are strong, stronger than you give yourself credit for. You may not WANT to do it, but you MUST do it. You have to be strong for the children, you have to get grown up, professional help.
CG, you shared you are a social worker...you KNOW there are resources out there. YOU got to tap into them for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. You deserve it, and so do your children.
How about a simple monitoring tool, what about getting a WHITE BOARD marked out e.g.
LISA JULIE PHILIP MONDAY English 4/3 Spellings 7/3 NONE TUESDAY WEDNESDAY Maths 10/3 THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY
COMPLETED 4/3 6/3 9/3
REWARD NAILS SLEEP OVER CAMP OUT
NB: if not completed, no reward.
Write on it each day the homework as it comes in, be persistent, get to know, no tea til you tell me your homework, and the date when it has to be completed. Put it onto the board, when it is completed date it and make sure you follow through with the reward.
Only suggestions. Be imaginative you know your children and what they would respond to. A bit of reward does NO ONE lasting damage...however it can instill the message that you are on top of it, and are prepared to reward effort and it will soon become a way of life to get the FEEL GOOD FACTOR GOING.
Eventurally, you will not have to reward on a weekly basis you can reward by other means as and when you feel it appropriate, this is just to get the ball rolling.
BUT, GET THE PROFESSIONAL BACKING FOR EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU, YOU INCLUDED, YOU NEED A SUPPORT TEAM.
Just a thought or two. Sorry cannot get it to stay as I laid it out, but I am sure you get the idea.
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 13:03, 2008-03-03
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 13:05, 2008-03-03
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Any possibility of suggesting, without badmouthing the teacher, "you know, it just really seems to me that there's not a good personality match with this teacher, and she really might thrive in the other 3rd grade...you know she was really enthusiastic about those 2 special projects..."
and... what does SHE want? what does she say when you ask, calmly, giving her your full attention and plenty of time to respond, "so what's going on with you about this schoolwork thing anyway?"
It seems to me they're picking up on your agitation. The more you can work your own program, the calmer they'll be.
Actually I've been really calm to her for the most part about all of this. I am highly tempted to bad mouth the teacher. She definitely wants out of this teacher's class, she has been saying that since the beginning. Every time I talk to the woman which has been three times this year she has not had a kind word to say about my daughter.
you being calm is great, and it sounds like you're hearing her too, which is also great. imho, asking for a class reassignment where the status quo is clearly not working is not out of line, it's win-win.
I'm with HB in that I have found (and been told over and over) that positive reinforcement is what really works. Not to say there should not be consequences, but it's much easier for kids to work to acheive something special than avoid the negative, which can just tear them down more. I have personal experience with this one, just ask my 14yr old.
My 11 yr old still gets motivated getting stickers put on a chart. Perhaps you could start small, with say, 3 homework assignments completed in a week (since they aren't used to doing any). Reward can be as simple as a trip to McDonalds for a treat ALONE with you. Consistency and following up with immediate reward is key, and tend to be my greatest downfall.
So many great responses here on this board. I have reached out and will continue to reach out to counselors (for they are invaluable), but what I am finding is that more than anything the kids just want me to be emotionally available to them. For me, that is the toughest thing of all, but I am getting better.
My thoughts are with. You are an amazing woman. You can do it!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You know I think for me the period of time after I left the A was emergency mode. Now I am having to settle into survival mode and I don't much like it. I can get out the big stick of oh why oh why, when can I move or I can prioritize and be nice to myself.
I am also exhausted. In fact I have to really work on how much can I do in one day because my level of fatigue is really high. Can you be nice to yourself rather than go into beating yourself up mode. In fact your situation could be much worse, you could still be dealing with him daily and still in emergency mode.
There is nothing much nice about survival I think I see in technicolor all the damage the A did to me now. I also know that I am without resources and overstretched. One of the reasons I think I am so fatigued is the amount of adrenaline I have had in my system being in emergency mode for a year.
I am really trying to be nice to myself and prioritize. What can I do this week, next month, the month after. In time I will be out of survival but it is very much one hour at a time so far. The key for me is to keep reminding myself I am doing the best I can.
From experience, if you hold her back,she will feel like a failure. She will see her friends move on, and be embarressed being held back
A child failing is the schools failure,not the child. Each child is guarenteed an education. They should be providing a tutor, teacher assistant.
Have they tested her to see where she is academically? Maybe she learns differently. It us up to THEM to figure this out. Holding her back accomplishes nothing. Do you realize kids in ninth grade, many of them test out the level of a third grader?
Maybe your kids have not been taught study skills. I wonder do they have planners?
The teacher is supposed to post everyday what will be done that day. She/he also should have them copy from this post,what homework they will have. the student takes the planner home, you see what needs done and when they do it you sign your name.
It is so hard to be a single parent. don't beat yourself up. Plus they are scared, and probably blame themselves for daddy leaving. Kids do that.
They need mentors. If I were you, I would set planners up. Make sure when they get home, they do their homework first. Give them a snack like popcorn to eat and sit with them and make it fun.
What do you and the kids do for fun? Do you play games, have a puzzle going?
Also their should be a resource room for them to go to at school to get help.
I know I am jumping all over in this post. tired.
When kids are in third grade , the work is a lot harder. Also they are going thru a milestone, they are coming out of being a baby child, they start to see the opposite sex, they are starting to really look at the world beyond their home and school.
To hold children back is a travesty and NOT recommended. If all the kids are having trouble hon, it is not academics.
My parents got divorced when I was that age. I can tell you I was so scared, my security went to zero. My brother, when she told us, jumped out of the car and ran down the street.
I have a very strong memory. What they need is routine, security, boundaries so they feel safe. To add on keeping her back,omg.
If you can sit down and figure out a routine, suggesting this.
I mean write down every hour.Weekends always have an all you guys together time. Ask what each wants to do and do it.
What helps too is to encourage their interests. One likes to paint and draw. get them an easil and watercolors and stuff to do that.ONe likes skateboarding,encourage that. They need a sense of they can be good at something.
My thing has always been teaching kids.I LOVED my career and did it for eighteen years.
Kids need to feel a sense of who they are. Maybe your kids could have journals. that helps to.get them stickers to put in them, make it fun.
I am sure they feel abandoned by daddy. the father is looked at as the protector.
Hope I have not said too much.Was it you that moved there and you have no family support?
Maybe it is time to go back home where they will get love and support by others. And you too. hugs,debilyn
I was held back a grade when I was ill in high school. I felt it was hard at the time but over rall I don't think being held back really shaped my life that much. The other kids were pretty accepting, there were sometimes remarks about I had done the work before (I had not). In the big scheme of things it was not a big issue in my life. I have also known other children who were held back, one a neighbor, has a mother who died suddenly. She is in grief and her learning skills went awol. Her father also totally shut down, they have been in crisis ever since. You are not in crisis, you have a roof over their head, lots of structure.
The people around this little girl don't seem to think it is a catastrophe she is held back a year after all she is traumatized by her mother dying.
I can make a catastophe out of anything that is part of my codependence. For me not making it a catastrophe is so key because when I make it a catastrophe its much harder to break down what I need to do.
