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NO doubt this will seem like a small silly question with so many people going through serious issues but I'm gonna ask it anyway since it has been on my mind for a while. A while back my A and I went to a "self help" type seminar which turned out to be a total disaster for our relationship since it was all about opening up about your feelings and he has and does work real hard not to have any or is easiy influenced by the feelings of those around him. Books I've read indicate this is called have no "internal feedback system" and he has fears of being controlled by his spouce since his mother is extreamly controlling. So the only person who got hurt in the process was me as he totally acclimated to whatever his "group" wanted to hear and controlled my by not sharing anything about what was going on with him and appearing to share alot with another female (unactractive both emotionally and physically so I doubt there were sexual things going on) but he may have felt some romatic type feelings as he never opened up to anyone before. Anyway to make things wose she must have had issues of her own because she delighted in rubbing this in my face. So many little things happened but the one on my mind now is several weeks after the "seminar" was over I asked her for coffee, my intent to try to clear up all the weirdness between us. Although we talked for over 3 hours nothing really was cleared up, she kept saying he said he loved me but then would say in the next breath "maybe you should take a break from this relationship". she even said "I could see how much it was hurting you for us to be so close and yet he kept spending time with me so of course I would have been nieve not to think he had feelings for me" and it was clear she thought I was "toxic" to him. but I hoped maybe in time, meaning my reflecting on our conversation and what I felt happened vs. what may have really been going on etc. maybe it would stop bothering me- my A was offering no input to reassure me only saying what went on was none of my business etc. (basiclly I mean he has said there was nothing "lustful" going on but no details to really try to make me feel better he just acts like I annoy him for wanting to feel better about this. Anyway bottom line of what is on my mind, the day after I asked her for coffee I was with my A and she phoned his cell, the minute he said I am with my girlfriend she just abruptly hung up. This makes me uncomfortable as it reinforces the thought that they have things to hide from me. I think it is unacceptable to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex that is secretive from your spouce (we have been living as man and wife for 2 years at the time of this call) I wanted him to immediately call back and let her know it was disrespectful to hide thier relationship from me) He would not. Anyway alot of time has passed and I suppose I need to go into counseling to determine why I would stay in a relationship that has issues that are unacceptable to me but this still bothers me. Not her specifically because as far as I know they no longer have contact but that's just it, if they would hide that phone call from me how and I supposed to feel secure in life in general. It is all so messed up and yet I don't just get out? Sorry for this long rant, but it is something that I could use some feedback about as I am sick of thinking of this and other things like this. He only says that going to that seminar was like tossing him to the wolves as he never processed emotional things before- but why am I the only one being punished for his troubles? I could all be cleared up if my A would just talk to me. I don't care what the answers were- I am willing to accept and process almost anything but he just won't really talk about it.
The first woman that my ex had an affair with was physically unattractive. There was a part of me that was shocked. I mean, if he was going to destroy his entire life I thought it would be with some pretty young thing, great body, no baggage. Nope, she was older than me, had greasy stringy hair, was not at all intelligent and had 2 kids and a husband and lived in a really trashed house. I was more devestated at the fact that he chose to wreck his family for something less than what he had. I still don't get it but, I don't care today. This "other woman" sounds like a real nutjob herself. Why mess with someone else's man? Not even on a friendship basis. And um, I wouldn't call what they are doing very friendly. When I would take my ex's behavior and compare it to "normal" behavior of an adult man I would see how incredibly "Un-normal" it was and how in the dark I was about it all.
Glad, this isn't a little problem or insignifigent compared to what others are going thru. This is your life and YOUR feelings and they matter! For me, infidelity was the one thing that has scarred me the deepest. And it was the only thing, in the end, that kept me hooked. I would be gone and done with him and then he would bring another woman into the pic and I would lose it! Yup, that's a major issue for me! Something I am looking at and working on. But the thing is, it really IS a MAJOR issue. It's not like I am blowing up because he left the cap off the toothpaste. Mistrust, abandoment, infidelity are things I will no longer tolerate in a relationship. But it has taken me all of my journey thus far to get to this point. I tolerated alot for the sake of thinking I was loved.
Your question is not silly or little. I wish I had answers for you.
The counselor for you idea is worthy...Start now or stay in the insanity for a longer period of time. I hated being there and I had to find a counselor after suggestions like this one. It worked!! Face to Face meetings work also and seminars and the like however keep in mind that including yourself there are alot of confused people out there needing help. If you hang around with them and not the help you get worse. It's okay to take a brake from "Them"; not be a part of "Them" and go get help. Go now!
Glad, I agree with Seren that this is no small insignificant thing. Please honor yourself enough to take it seriously. Its bothering you and that is perfectly reasonable and completely understandable.
I also think that what Jerry said is very important. Get some professional help and stay far away from the wacko's as much as you can. Their insanity can be contageous! Try to surround yourself with people who you feel good around. Say no to toxic people in your life. Also, the F2F meetings are loaded with people that can be helpful and know exactly what it feels like to go through what you are going through. Take care and hugs, J.
We al-Anons are so good at minimizing our problems because there is always someone out there who has it worse. The thing is, just because someone is worse off, doesn't mean that our problems are not important and our feelings are invalid.It is good to keep them in perspective, but that means not minimalizing as well as not blowing them out of proportion.
So I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you. I do have a few questions. What are you getting out of this relationship? Why did you feel the need to make friendly with the woman that seems to be having an emotional affair with your A? What is it in you that is allowing you to accept his unacceptable behavior? Can you accept the fact that your A is incapable of giving you the feedback that you seem to want?(Going to the hardware store for bread.) Where can you go to find the connection with people that will fill that void?
I am absolutely judging you. You are doing great, I think, just by coming here and asking your questions. I hope you come back and ask more and share any solutions you find. My suggestion for the last would be to start at a f2f meeting and go from there.
Hope this helps somehow.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you for your responses. Good question: why I stay in this relationship. I've been unhappy 90% of the time. Like Seren. said I've tollerated alot for the sake of thinking I was loved.Matter of fact I think for now that is my new quote, so I will remember to look closely at how to change that! Hope you don't mind if I borrow it Serendipty! Anyway- thanks for your responses they did mean a great deal! Nice to know I'm not overly jealous or crazy and indicated by the ones involved.
You know some people call something like this splitting that is making people either all good or all bad. The A I was with (I am no longer with him) would set me up with everyone around him. In fact he had people in his life who he would seek refuge with and paint me as horrible. Then he'd come back to me saying they were horrible. He'd do that playing people against each other (I am sure it was unconscious) all the time. He was never unfaithful per se (he did hint he was after I left him although I am not sure that counts I had left him after all) but he was never "there". He couldn't commit. I was over committed and he was under commited. To say he was ambivalent was an understatement. Even in his ambivalence though he insisted, demanded, plagued me to give more and be super committed to him then he would turn around and say things like we were room mates to other people. He definitely hurt me deeply.
I see that now as part of his disease and not personal to me. My issue was being over committed to someone who was not "there" for me on any level.
I now see huge red flags when anyone but anyone acts towards me in an entitled fashion (not that I am not a responsible person I try to be). I also see red flags when people waver, one minute you are their best freinds, next they are ambivalent. I simply won't deal with that kind of push/pull anymore. I did of course for years and I take responsibility for that but these days I am boundary boundary boundary day and night and will be for some time.
This post is reflective of my post of a couple days ago title, "Anyone?". I think many of those self-help movtivational seminars can be dangerous for the emotionally unstable. I "think" my ah may be getting involved in one, encouraged by his g/f that came into his life very much in the manner you are describing - a married "friend" who understands, blah, blah, blah. It is not about what the other looks like or how functional they are, but how she makes him feel. Also, they often pick someone who mirrors themself and how they feel about themself.
From my point of view and the incredible pain I have experienced over the past year and a half, once they get totally emeshed then I believe it to be an addiction, filling that hole inside, just like alcohol or drugs. It then becomes an unfightable fight for you. Oh, and it also makes you crazy (really crazy!), trying to control the impossible.
Please choose to take care of you. Waiting it out is not the answer, that I can attest to! I have 3 kids and a business that I have been protecting, and by doing so I let his adultrous relationship take on its own life and have watched my marriage spiral down even farther despite every possible effort on my end. Hanging on does horrible things to your self-esteem.
I am so very sorry you are in this situation. The pain can be unbearable I know, but is only the beginning and a smidgeon of what will be if his relationship continues. Continue coming here, going to f2f meetings and talking to your HP.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
