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I have one sister who is five years older than I. THis sister has always, "had it in for me". As long as I can remember. Ours has been a touchy relationship at best and a toxic one at worst. All of our lives I have always landed on my feet, been in the right place at the right time; I say I have a guardian angel, and I truly believe I do. My life has been idyllic, my children turned out wonderfully well, my deceased husband treated me royally. It has been a fantastic life for me. Now, let's look at Sis. Her five kids leave a lot to be desired, her husband (their father) divorced her after 28 years of marriage and married a girl young enough to be his daughter. Several years ago I met a man who wanted to marry me. I had been widowed many years, and actually considered this man, but I eventually came to realize he was controlling, vicious, hateful, and mean. I stopped seeing him, and he made it his business to attempt to ruin my reputation. He wrote letters to friends and acquaintances of mine accusing me of thievery and lying. I made no comment even though I did consider suing him for slander. But I remained abovee it all, knowing I had nothing to feel guilty about...had done nothing wrong except tell this evil man to get lost.
He swore he would get even with me for "leaving" him. He started seeing my older sister and inside two months they were married, and she was forbidden to have any contact with me. She was so desperate for a man, she agreed to those terms and went off to North Carolina to find what she was sure was going to be total happiness. Oooops... IT wasn't long before she realized what she was in for, but for five long years she did not speak to me. I no longer existed in her life.
One day I was going through some boxes in the attic and I came across many, many letters, cards, and pictures of her and from her I had received over the years. I put them in a small box and mailed them to her with a short note explaining I no longer needed them. Wasn't long before I received a card from her in which she stated that things had likely gone too far for us to ever be sisters again. I wrote back and told her she would always be my Sis, and I was willing to start again. Meanwhile, he found out we had corresponded since he read all her mail, and threw a terrible fit. TOld her to get out. I guess it must have been awful.
She came to Delaware for a visit, and I cried when I saw her. I was so very happy to have Sis back. I noticed, however, that she showed no emotion. But we decided to start again, even though her husband was completely against it, and time went on.
She is the kind who will say hurtful things; I made a CD for her that I thought she would enjoy. She didn't mention it, so one day, on the phone, I asked if she had received it. "Oh yes," she answered, "But I don't like it." Was that necessary? She could have thanked me, and I would have been none the wiser. I told her to send it back. I'd give it to someone who would like it.. She had thrown it away. She does not like the clothes I wear, the car I drive, the entertainers I like, the style of my hair, the city I live in,; NOTHING!!! If I say it, it is wrong. If I like it, it is "stupid." If I laugh, it's not funny.
Now...fast forward....finally the old buzzard told her to leave one too many times, and she did. He is in the process of divorcing her, and gives her absolutely no money. She has an income of $438 in Social Security a month, and that's all. She long since squandered her share of the family wealth...her share came to the tune of 15 million dollars, more or less. She has absolutely nothing to show for it. Try to imagine that!!!! She has come here to Texas, and lives in Dallas with her oldest son. She hates it there, but then she hates EVERYTHING!!! Nothing is enough; nothing makes her happy. I have offered my guest house to her, and she complained she would be afraid to be by herself at night. The guest house is about 30 feet away from the main house!!!! There is no pleasing this woman. I have made up my mind not to give her money. That is a firm boundary. But I keep trying to help her find her way. Nothing I do or say helps. She won't get the advice of a divorce attorney, then complains that husband is going to leave her penniless. She just won't do ANYTHING! I get so annoyed with her, but I keep my patience and try to put myself in her shoes.
OK....here it is...Should I end the relationship now? I love her, honestly I do, but I feel she is jealous of me, my life, and what I have made of it. SOmetimes I actually feel that I hate her.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. There is a lot more I could say, but I'll stop here.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 23:25, 2008-03-02
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Diva this is heartbreaking. ((((((((you've been a good sister to her))))))))) Is there a way to keep the offer of being a sister open without getting drawn into her drama? You can't change her attitude or her behavior, and I doubt you'll put yourself in her path to be influenced by her attitude. Can her son (her host) talk to her about getting an attorney? Keep loving her when you can. Best thoughts --- Jill
Boy that is a lot on your plate. Sometimes it seems that the relationships that mean the most are the highest in maintainence costs. LOL
Your sister sounds so miserable. Her husband is a vicious controling man and it sounds like your sister has learned a lot of really nasty behavior from him without even knowing it. I think I would be tempted to take the same attitude I do with the A in my life. It seems obvious to me she is suffering the effects of some really severe abusive behavior, emotional, mental, and maybe even physical. She sounds miserable and it is so hard to be around people who don't seem to want to get better. I don't have a sister, but I have two brothers and I limit my contact with both of them. I would suggest you try that before you end the relationship. Maybe back off a bit and just let her fly on her own. Be there if she comes to you, but give her the dignity to clean up her own mess.
As far as when you have direct contact with her. It may be necessary to stand up for yourself a bit and don't let her run over you. She finally found the backbone to stand up and get away from her H, but now she is using it for vicious perpose herself. You can tell her that you love her and am glad to have her back in your life, but you don't appreciate her negativity and her rude comments.
My mother sometimes gets into a can't do, whining frame of mind. I am learning to ask her some key questions like, what can you do about this? how can you change yourself to make it better? can you control that person? can you read that persons mind? is it really your business? I have found that if she wants to have a conversation about how to solve the problem, these questions will stear her that way. If not, then she will just leave. Either way I don't have to listen to the negative b**** session.
I'm sorry she is so unhappy. She has made a fine mess of her life, but it really is her mess to clean up. One thing to remember though is that it is her life and it is not for us to judge the lessons her HP has put in front of her. They are hers alone. Even if we think we know the answers to her problems, they are our answers and they may not fit her. She is a grown woman and can find her own solutions. She doesn't need someone else to fix her life for her.
Good luck, dear. This relationship is a challenge, but there is a reason your HP brought her back to you. I doubt if it is so you can learn to be even more codependent.LOL
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Let me ask you this dear friend: Is it really worth continually kocking yourself out for someone who doesn't appreciate what you are trying to do for her? Is it worth all the aggrevation? Is it worth all the hurtful things that have happened, and will probably contuinue to happen? Here's the other thing: would you put up with this behavior and treatment if she weren't your sister, but rather a friend? Hmm.... I think you probably wouldn't.
Sometimes cutting someone loose is the best thing we can do for ourselves. If it were my sister, I would. My sister and I aren't that close. Suffice to say we are just cut from different cloths, and we do better when we see less of each other. I constantly choose not to keep people who are negavtive and bring me down in my life. It doesn't matter if they are relatives or not. Do what is best for Diva. That's what recovery is all about. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Don't know about ending, but distance and detachment sure sound good.
You need, in the end, to be able to live with yourself. In both aspects - in doing what you feel to be right, and in not letting yourself be treated badly. Getting sucked into the black hole of trying to please an unpleasable person is no way to go, but if you cut off all contact, you may find yourself plagued by guilty feelings. Probably the best course would be to offer what YOU feel is fair and right, and let go of the outcome. Be civil to her, even if she is not civil back to you, that kind of thing.
I am so sorry you are going through this with your sister. I know when my mother was so mean and hateful to me that it wasn't because of me. She was being treated the same way she was treating me because she couldn't direct it to the person who was giving it to her. I was the only person who would take it until I learned about boundaries. Our relationship is so different today because of Alanon. Have you asked HP for an answer? Before I make a decision, I ask HP to guide me to the right answer that will be best for me. Do you have a God box you can place this problem in and then let it go?
I do not have any siblings and boy do I wish I did. But I had a cousin. And she was going thru a tough divorce and she was leaning on me alot. But I was going thru my own life. And I guess that was unacceptable in her book. We were all supposed to focus on her and her crisis. All of which was made by her and her alone. I just used my tools of alanon on her. I think that is why she really like whining to me....I didn't tell her what she should do. Ever. Even when she came right out and asked me. I told her what I had done, what I had heard others say they had done. I listened to her, I prayed for her, I took her calls all hours of the day and night. I really am not sure what more I could have done besides offer her money. She thinks I have money LOLOLOL! I don't. So, apparently because she believes I have money and I was not willing to give her halfthat means I don't care for her and I wasn't there for her This hurt me and made me very angry for a while. Then I got sad because I decided to cut all ties with her. As far as I am concerned she's a wingnut and there is nothing I can do to help her. She dumped me first and my kids. I really hate people who dump my kids. I mean, they are children for chrissake. And exceptionally good children. So, with my cousin I detatched with love. I wish her well and I don't care to ever have anything to do with her again.
She is not my sister. Closest thing I had to a sister growing up. But not a sister. Good luck with whatever you decide. And remember no choice is ever set in concrete. What feels right today may not feel right tomarrow and you will have the opportunity to change it.
Older sisters, oh yeah! and one I can't see eye to eye with, the same as you say - I laugh, it's not funny; I'm always wrong. Trying to get along with her is not possible, trying to appreciate any help she has given me along the way became an obligation that I could never do enough to please her. I don't share my life with her and she doesn't share hers - it would always be lots of drama and can top anyone's story with worse situation. Respectful to each other now and I send Christmas/bday card but no other interactions unless we are brought together at weddigns, funerals etc. Even if I tried to help her - that would be wrong or end up that what I did made things worse. I don't ask her for any support or help any longer.
I love her, she is in my prayers, her kids are in my prayers but not a part of my life like my other siblings and their children. It is sad but not unusual when siblings don't get along. Things from the past that were never dealt with then can destroy the chance to ever move forward. Another fantasy that will not come true - too much water under the bridge and the bridge broke!! A couple good lines I use is "I can listen and will add you to my prayers" in response to their statements and "why do you ask or want to know?" in response to their questions. It is really hard when there are so many problems and they want you to do something and do it their way. I also have said "I can't answer your question yet until I know more from my own observations." or "I'll get back to you."
I prayed for her and celebrate that she has a 2nd husband who cares for her. She is busy with her new family and grandchildren so less of an issue. I miss the dream of what I wanted it to be but I don't miss the reality of what it was at all!! I hope you can find a relationship that will give you some connection but not pull you in to her stuff or have little effect on your life.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
This is a really tough one. It seems best to leave this in the hands of HP and trust that he will guide you to the right decision. I agree that you should not tolerate her disagreeable behavior. If you do decide to continue having her in your life this should be a must that she should be made aware that you won't tolerate her constantly berating everything you do. Your opinions have value, and she has no right to criticize them.
I have had my disagreements with my own sister (she is also an A) but through it all I love her, and I could not cut all ties with her, but that is me, and you must do what is right for you Diva. I will pray that your HP will lead you in the right direction and that you will be confident once your decision is made that it is the right one for you.
Hugs,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I, too, would approach her behavior as that of an A. "Detachment" comes to mind to me, too. How you manage that is up to you, but remember your HP is there to walk with you with everyone - whether they're an A, a stubborn sibling or anyone else.
We got closer with that share. Family!! We don't get to choose our parents or our siblings so they are not mistakes of ours. The choices I make are some times mistakes...not always. The take on who I am today is much better than the one I use to accept and then it applies to everyone around me also. "We are not humans trying to live spiritually but spirits trying to live as humans." People and life ain't and never will be according to my will and wishes and there for this program to keep me in hand. I have an older brother and younger brother and at one time an older sister. I thought I was great (of course!!) and they were a "wild rice" mixture. Throw in the parents (2 dads) who I had no choice on and we were beyond zoo. Lets see that makes up 6 sets of shoes under one roof for the total time (my real dad died). The picture of how things and people were depended upon who's shoes you were standing in. Everyone had their own truth so of course I was not the tour director. I was seen as the "Lone Ranger" and "Dark Angel" from time to time. I didn't think I fit that they did. They were not wrong they had their truth about everything.
They did their lives. I did mine. At times we were able to be together and at other times that was a life threatening situation or an invitation to the state hospital. None of us looked at ourselves we were too busy judging others and missing the mark. However our lives and characters/personalities and the events througout took place. Still we got together from time to time and again wouldn't do that on a bet. We were being human. We had our successes and our failures both big and small.
In our old age we are learning little by little how to do all this old stuff with one new addition...Love. Ever sit back and watch crazy people love each other? It's like watching a car jerk back and forth as the gas and clutch are in and out pushed and released. But that is how it is. No matter what is going on as Mother Theresa said, "Love anyway".
What smooths things out for me is "grace giving" as my sponsor taught me...the without condition part of true loving. At times they sound crazy and act crazy and that is "at times". To even out that playing field I am a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups and the second step says that if I work it right a HP will restore me to Sanity.
Deciding how my family or anyone is around me is an exercise of my value systems. It is also the same way about deciding how I am to be around others. "Thy neighbor as myself." It's important to my sanity to act fair, honest and just. Anything else and I am a burlap sack of wild kittens!!
This is a day to day program. I try my very best to stay out of the past and future. I only have now and a choice of what to do with it no matter who else is in the picture and how we are related.
My older brother once made the statement "I don't know if we should be brothers anymore" and I almost laughed my self under the table. "You only have one choice in the matter was my response."
You might have to alter your relationship at bit and you did say that you loved her. That ruffles the bats in my bellfry because I don't see how it would be possible for me to end a relationship of love. I ain't going anywhere and I still have an open mind and some of my hearing left so I'll just keep coming back and listening.
(((((hugs)))))
PS try going to your nearest trash can and throwing your past into it.
I am a twin - the eldest, but as the diminutive twin in both stature and in confidence I was always treated as the younger sister ( when we were anywhere where people did not know us they thought there must be at least five years difference between us), and as she took after my father's family she learned to be manipulative and what she called 'forth-right', [I called it rude]. I, on the other hand, took after my mother's side of the family being the one to always yield if there was an argument, the one to say sorry - even if it was not my fault, the one to be the peacemaker within the family. I took after my beloved grandmother, quiet, gentle, docile.
I was death to a party - I was so shy - whilst she was the life and soul of the party, and whilst we always ended up doing what she wanted she was always so jealous of me. (Of what I do not know. NO, that is ot true, I was pretty, I was slim, I was agile, I was a tom boy and got on with boys more than girls and I was healthy and found my school work easy - but that self knowledge took years of working out and I was in my thirties before I realised these were the things she was jealous of. I never saw myself as pretty and clever and attractive to boys, I had such a downer on me.)
I thought I was the discontented 'pony', I have since realised that she was the discontented 'pony' and her life has shown it. She has had everything, and yet she feels she is OWED by the world and seeks, money, materialism, and wealthy friends, whilst treating me as the cinderella, the shameful sister, the spoilt brat, the weakling, the clever one, the book worm, the pathetic shy unassuming push over.
Things changed in me when my mother was left on her own and I took her in to look after her, and I saw a predator side of my sister who became someone I hardly recognised. There is much more to tell, but I won't. Not here, it is suffice to say that after my mother's death I found the courage to tell her to stop putting me down, to treat me with respect in my own house and that I would not put up with being ordered about in my own house; that has meant that, instead of bonding me with my estranged sister, she has chosen to severe the ties completely. It was the first time I had ever actually stood up to her and put her in her place in my own home. I had no-one there to stand by me, whilst she and her husband treated me little more than a skivvy and I had had enough. I had both legs in plaster at the time and was on crutches to get around, how I do not know to this day but that was the sitatuion. How utterly utterly sad.
As for my life, well she told me firmly that I had made my bed and I had to lie in it and get on with it.
A lot of this spoke volumes to me. And I see a very sad, unfulfilled person who clings to things and money, for status and happiness, though I do not actually see happiness in her soul. No matter what she said, what she did, or what she did not do I love her. She shared the womb with me, we started life together and I yearn for a sharing in love and life still; she has firmly closed the door and will have nothing to do with me.
All I can do is give her up to God and let go, and that is no easy thing to do. All I what to do is have a loving relationship with her, and that is not possible when only one of us wants it.
I will still love her, I will still pray for her, I will still ask God that perhaps one day a reconciliation will take place and that she will stop being jealous of me and love me for being her twin sister. I hope we will end our lives in companionship and joy, not jealousy and hurt.
That is not in my control. I have offered the olive branches, and year after year I have had them snapped in front of me. And still I offer another when the opportunity comes. Until she takes it, without snapping it, I can do no more, though I will NEVER, NEVER stop loving and trying. I just have to start looking after me, protect my heart from being broken all over again and I am learning that protection, slowly and painfully.
Just for today, I have offered the olive branch, she has chosen to break it. I have stepped back and let her be, with love until tomorrow, when I will probably do it all over again. Although, in truth, it may NOT be tomorrow...it may take me sometime before I have the strength and courage to try again...I WILL NOT beat myself up if I cannot do it tomorrow.
I will learn to love her as I love myself, and not love her in spite of myself, for when I do that I get hurt.
I hope you will find a way, that you can live with, to deal with your situation and I hope that you will learn to love her as you love yourself and not love her in spite of yourself.
You will remain in my heart and prayers as you journey this turbulent road. Diva I care about you, and say all this with love. God be with you.
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 03:29, 2008-03-03
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I have no siblings. It bothers me because I am completely alone in the world and it is probably a large part of the reason I had 3 kids. I don't speak to my father, he is bipolar and whenever we talk he asks about "my people" who have been watching him... etc. I decided it was pointless. The relationship has always been strained and now is just non existent. Seems to me that this is something that I would detach from and let the ball be in her court. If she wants contact she'll make it, if not she'll go on about her way. Either way it's not really up to you. I agree with the sentiment of why make yourslef miserable and take on drama if you don't have to!
I have an older sister. I have no other siblings. My mom is an A and my father is dead- I have no other relatives.
My ESH is that its never too late to have a loving relationship with a family member and although its easy, try not to judge her choices. Its completely impossible to know what its like for her or to know what is best for her.
My sister and I were born and raised to be at odds with each other thanks to the family disease of alcoholism. Our parents raised us to not get along and to dislike each other from day one. Our home was an intensely alcoholic one. My sister and I were used as pawns in the battle between our mom and dad. My sister took my mom's side and I took my dad's. They specifically designed this dysfunction out of their diseases.
My sister and I were also raised very differently. My older sister was raised with a lot more discipline and I was raised with no structure whatsoever. As a result, we turned out very differently. I was the wacky artist type traveling the world and she was the stepford wife with a husband, home and children. Of course these were sterotypes but we saw each other that way. She got god/religion and decided I was possessed by the Devil. So did my mom (she got religion, too). I was 17. I severed all contact and and did not get back in touch until I was around 30. We sent hateful letters occasionally just to poke at each other. We were wildly triangulated as I posted earlier and our mother in particular enjoyed this game and instigated it out of her own disease.
My sister is 7 years older than I. When I was in my early 40's and she in her mid-late 40's something happened that I can only call God's hand/grace. We both decided that we had had enough. We missed having a sister. We came to join forces and began to shove Mom aside. We began sharing memories. Since she and i were the only kids in the family, it was a huge revelation and explained so much, especially with her being older and more aware. I will forever be grateful for the answers and affirmations she provided and the verifications i got when I connected with her. We decided to just love and accept each other as is. Plain and simple. I never would have dreamed it was possible but it happened and all it took was for both of us to be really willing and open to it.
Stop trying so hard, Diva. If its gonna happen you won't have much to do with it- HP will. Just remain open to the possibility and get on with your life. Hugs, J.
Lots of really thoughtful responses here. I just want to add a thought, an observation, and hope it's not - well.
Take what you like, and leave the rest:
Is it possible that, to her, your returning her letters & cards to her was as hurtful as her tossing your recording was to you?
This sounds to me too like a tapestry of resentments that has been built up for years, possibly starting on foundations that were laid before you were born - if there are five years between you, it could be that her earliest years were marked by a different family dynamic than the one you lived in. Or perhaps she never got over being "replaced" by you as the new baby, which, by the way, would not be on you, but on your parents for not including her as one of those who had "our" new baby. It might even have been built on a foundation of supposition and miscommunication. Deconstructing that, however, would be "her stuff", when and if she chooses to pursue it. But it might not come amiss, if there is some thing that is not cleaned up on your side of the street - even if it's far outweighed by the stuff on her side - to say something like, "you know, I'm so sorry if I offended you when I returned your old letters to you - it wasn't because I didn't value them, it was because I DID value them and didn't want to just throw them out".
Diva.... I'll offer the same advice that I have heard you give out countless times..... "trust your gut".
Bottom line, is do you WANT her in your life, and do you feel better with the idea of having her in your life or not?? Yes, she is your sister, but she still has to add to your life in some way, for the relationship to continue, in my humble opinion. I think she still can, but you two kinda need to work out how that would work. Being a "drain on you" isn't going to help for any kind of longevity or relationship.
Good luck
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks so much for all your replies. I can take something from each of them. No, I will not completely turn my back on her. She is my sister, and some you have managed to convince me that blood really is thicker than water. I love her very much; I suppose that is why she hurts me so much with her behavior.
Thinkstoomuch, you make a point about my returning her cards and letters. Possible you are right, but I believe the supreme insult was giving up her sister (me) for a chance at some awful old man who had a little money, and not having the caring to realize what she was doing to me.
Many of you have given me food for thought. I think the right approach is to back away a step or two and allow her to run her own show. I will no longer phone her daily to see how she is feeling, and I will no longer punish myself worrying about her future. Her problems are hers to sort out. I have done all I can do.
Thanks to all for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your words.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
hi dear diva, I have given your share a lot of thought.What sticks out for me is your saying you have been treated badly by your blood sister since you were a child.
Said she is toxic to you, she even threw you away because someone told her to.
That is horribly hurtful.Plus I am sure you told her about him, plus she saw how he treated you,they sees him????
Also I wanted to give you a big hug for sharing about your being widowed before. I know you have told us before, but it did not stick in my head.
You have gone through so much loss.
I know you a lot better now, I see a lady with tenacity and great integrity. Makes me very sad that your blood sister does not value you.I was not blessed with a sis. But have been blessed with meeting a true sister online and in person.
If she was not your blood sister, I would bet my sanctuary you would not bother with her.You would not allow her to drag you down.
So in saying this, what would make you put out your heart anymore? All this person does is spit on it.
You are too precious to take this, it is a very emotional issue, but as we say,"don't allow her to pull you into her pit."
I cannot imagine having money like that and not doing good with it.Makes me sad.She has learned nothing.
I hope you can feel all the love from our alanon family diva.I have said it before and will say it again, You are a very important part of MIP.
Diva I do relate. My daddy did this to me. There was NO reason. Mother divorced him, and unless she was in his life somehow so was I.I would suck it in.
Then he remarried, and he no longer gave me a bit of attention, took his love away. Was never there for me, did not say anything about being proud of how my kids turned out so well, or that I went back to college in my forties.
I asked him why he didn't love me anymore. He said he did not like some of the decisions I made. ?
I thought he meant my struggle to keep my head above water being a widow raising two babies, working full time and going to school.
He would not allow me to come see him when he was dieing.I begged for just five min.
He died, no one told me.no one. Then I get this will, he went on and on about how he wanted his daughter to have everything. He had a very nice home above a golf course, nice cars uno.
The daughter he spoke of was his wifes baby she got pg with when they were married. Not his, her adultery partners.
That stung and still does.diva it is all toxic.I doubt I would have done it any differently.
We have to follow our heart and think of how much we choose to give.
If it were me, hon, I would not contact her at all.If she called me and just complained, I would say this is not a good time,and say gotta go. Diva my son and I are talking again. He is refi ing his home and has some obstacles with other things.
I have called him, but he has never called me or called me when I leave a message.
This morn I called, he answered. When I said I better let you go honey.
Hung up and felt like I had swallowed poison. I do not want to hear him complain or be so depressed,and so bitter. He has good reason, but mom still needs her sons love,and affection. I felt drained and hurt.
I will not put myself in that position to be hurt again.
Will you? When will it be enough?She wants nothing from you.So give her that.
I invite you to: Then do what you love, be nice to you.Go on your fun trip and drink up all that sun and beauty. Let it go.
Play and love your animals who treat you well and appreciate the life you give them.
You have done nothing to deserve this.Three C's you did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.
I would not throw you away for "anything" and I am just your alanon sis.
She is missing out from having a wonderful sis.
Sounds like she needs to crawl out of her own pit on her own.She dug it.
I have to agree with Thinkstoomuch. From my perspective, sending those letters back to your sister was very hurtful to her. In spite of all the abuse you have endured, you need to forgive and do what you can to restore the relationship. As I've told my children with regards to their addict/alcoholic brother, they need to forgive him for the lying, stealing and other addict behaviors. that damage and hurt relationships. Otherwise they will become bitter. Someone once shared with me.......We either forgive or we will allow bitterness to flourish. We have the choice, We become better or we become bitter. May God give you wisdom in this situation. My prayers are with you.
Mel, consider for a moment why I sent the cards and pictures back. I had not been spoken to in 5 years because of the dictates of her cruel, vindictive husband, and so I struck out in hurt and anger. That doesn't make it right, but it is understandable. She chose to accept the terms her husband dictated.
Now talk about hurt....What I did I did because of the deep injury I felt after having been cast aside to keep her husband happy..
It is a difficult situation. I'll work out my side of it. I hope she can too.
Thanks for your reply,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Diva, I think you got some well thought out replies here. I want you to know I sympathize with your situation with sis. I too have had some of those difficulties, but not to the extent that you have. I have learned to 1. Be myself 2. Feel sorry for her 3. Detach emotionally 4. Be honest when called upon to make a response to her questions. 5. Expect nothing from her. 6. and not least.....LIVE and let live.
It seems to me that what she wants is something you cannot give her. and... What you want may never happen.
that means I don't care for her and I wasn't there for her
This hurt me and made me very angry for a while. Then I got sad because I decided to cut all ties with her. As far as I am concerned she's a wingnut and there is nothing I can do to help her. She dumped me first and my kids. I really hate people who dump my kids. I mean, they are children for chrissake. And exceptionally good children. So, with my cousin I detatched with love. I wish her well and I don't care to ever have anything to do with her again. 
