The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Got off the phone with AH... he asked me to take him to the person's house where he's buying a moped during lunch. Fine. I'll take you. This whole time he's just chattering happily about doing this and that with the new moped, yadda yadda yadda...
And all I can think about is. Jeez. What about me? All you care about is yourself and the objects that are meeting your gratifications. Not once did he ask me how I'm doing. Not once did he say "I really appreciate you taking me to get the moped." It's just HIM HIM HIM.
So I'm all pouty and moody. I know I should be thinking about ME ME ME and not caring if he thinks about me or not. I guess it's just because I didn't set a boundary and tell myself "no - I'm not blowing my lunch hour to go get your moped. We can get it after work." I SHOULD have freaking said that. I could kick myself. So now I TRULY only have myself to blame for playing "peace-keeper" and telling him "oookay... we can goooo."
I used to chant to the A "Meee like Mooing Meee, Meee".
I think I also lost sight of taking care of me. The fact you are aware of it is huge. I think A's can be hugely self absorbed. Being around anyone who is self absorbed can be very hard. I was around a date last weekend who was hugely self absorbed. This weekend he made a huge show about how he was going to see his grandchild but he still called me three times because somehow I was supposed to meet his needs. I chose not to but I did choose to dive into relationship with alacrity most of my life. Now when i see a red flag I name it. I name it name it and name it and I do not go further. For once I do not pick up the wounded birdy but I did I did I did all my life I did. Once I had in a relationship its so hard for me to get out, sometimes I have felt I would rather die than get out which is one reason I am now being so careful about where I put my energy. I don't have another break up in me. I know it.
I know for me when I was mooing at the A I could have been taking care of me. I think it was much much much easier to be resentful at him rather than taking care of me because after all I had no idea how to do that.
Such good advice about the red flags and naming ....So great to see people actually naming their own behaviors. I learned one thing a long time ago. It is one of my guideposts. If I hear myself say "What about me?" I know I am doing my stinking thinking thing. And I go do something for someone who really deserves it. Not necessarily the one who is looking to be taken care of. Just a small thing that gets my mind off the A and my self pity. Then I feel better about myself because I have done a random act of kindness. Keep up the great self examination. And thanks for your honesty.
