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I am very upset right now because I just lost my temper big time with my son....had not done this for a few weeks and had been working so hard not to be drawn into things. But here we are. I am ashamed and embarrassed and my cheeks are actually burning, pulse still racing 45 minutes later, and not looking forward to an evening.
We were on phone earlier confirming plans for him coming for visiting his child Saturday, staying overnight, etc. Things were going OK, altho he had already alluded to "SHE must have plans for Saturday night", which I ignored. Doesn't matter and I don't know. Anyway talk went to a toy which he had bought last birthday and which was too much for child at that point; he discovered that the battery which had been stored here at my house had been picked up and toy had been used (without him). He went ballistic. Before it was over he was going through the same old litany about HER, how ruined his life is, same old story I have had to listen to repeatedly for two years now. I lost it. I screamed at him, told him I was finished with them both, told him I was leaving here, told him off and her (even without her presence!), and just generally made an a-- of myself. He told me I was escalating this thing into a "tragedy"!!! ME, escalating!! He told me his counselor had been shocked to learn he and EX weren't talking because she had changed phone #, given ME the number and forbidden me to tell him, she had threatened him with a RSO if he dared drive down her street, told him he would NEVER be present at a birthday or holiday party for the child ever again, etc etc etc. All of the above is true. She is rough and she scares him to death...no weak woman there. She is a warrior and makes huge threats all the time. She is just so pi---- at him, I guess. Anyway, once more I got drawn in. What I WANT is for him to forget her.....accept that she has kicked him to the curb, hates his guts, wants him to disappear, wants him to become discouraged enough that he won't try see his son, all of that. We all know this. His only recourse is probably legal action which he is scared to do. He also has no money. IF he is to have legal help to undo some of this mess (and I feel he would prevail and do OK), the money will have to be from us. So there we are. He had NO legal representation at the time of the divorce and the whole proceeding was kept secret from us at her demand; he was a fool to do that and she was very wrong. She knew we would never have advised him to let her handle everything. That is simply not done, regardless of circumstances. It got him into this mess and us into this mess in the first place.
What an absolute sorrowful situation to have with your son. It is driving us further and further apart. I hate seeing his name in my caller ID. He knows I am feeling this way. He knows my whole being is filled with resentment toward his drinking (binges periodically and is usually OK), toward the two intelligent adults who have created another beautiful intelligent life and for whom neither of them is putting first. He knows all this. He tells me I am not a nice person anymore. I'm not. He tells me I treat his father terribly. Perhaps at times. But I do know that I have made progress. Tonight wasn't a progressive one. There are no positive outcomes to this mess. I acknowledge that and just want to come through this tunnel with a bit more character and grace. Tonight I didn't and for that I am terribly sorry.
I regularly lost it with the A. Maybe sometimes we just have to take a time out when things really trigger us. There are certain people in my life right now who I have to steer clear of hugely. I know they trigger me For once I give myself permission to do that. All I think day and night is limits. Witness me not being able to go day and night on a date. Before I would go two years and then realise I needed a limit. It is ok to learn.
I lost it regularly around the A. I screamed and cried and screamed so more. Thank you for reminding me that is no longer a fact of life for me. I absolutely totally exhausted myself doing it.
So you're human, and you messed up - join the club (here, you can sit beside me). I'm looking at how far you have come - no sinking into deadly depression, no trying to lay the blame elsewhere.... Just acceptance of your fault, and unhappiness about it. This is good, believe it or not!
Once you have had a chance to calm down, you can take a look at your behaviour and see which parts of it you want to apologize for. Then you can call your son and say that. Doesn't mean you have to tell him he's right, just that you are sorry for the parts that are yours "I'm sorry I yelled at you, I'm unhappy with the situation but that's no excuse for taking your head off...."
Life seems built to keep us from feeling too happy with ourselves. I've been feeling a little smug and self satisfied lately, and so this last week or so I've been getting what I guess I needed - lots of little smacks that tell me to keep it down. Sure doesn't feel good to have to admit you are wrong, but it's good for our character, I hear.
Grace in the midst of active alcoholism -- a goal indeed! thank you for raising the bar - and I do believe the promise orf Al-anon. I can be happy (maybe even I can have grace) regardless of another's behavior. Omajoy can you get to any face-to-face meetings? For me, going to meetings, being among people striving for the same thing, struggling with the same issues slowly started to fill in the empty spaces in me. The spaces between my islands of substance. Not always - I still "slip", but I also know I sometimes have an inner voice to guide me into another room when an argument begins. I have the memories of how others handled a similar event. I just experience that f2f sticks better when I need it (in the moment). Take care -- Jill
I think we all lose it every now and then. Our A's are very good at poking and prodding and prying and doing whatever it takes sometimes to find our weak spots to draw out the drama. You wouldn't be human if you were able to always turn the other cheek and not fall into their crap every single time they try it on you.
I agree that this is just yet another hidden lesson here. What's great is you recognized that it happened and that it didn't bring forth your best qualities - but now you know, and you'll likely remember and do better next time (and with A's there's ALWAYS a next time!).
You didn't loose it all!! You arrived at step 9 right at the end of your post. And for that I am terribly sorry!! The humble apology is what I dreaded coming to. It was a sign that I had started cleaning my side of the street and was able to be responsible for the trash I had strewn all around me and others.
Ok you went thru and were feeling all the other negative junk also and you were honest with him and accepted responsibility there and here also. This is a simple program for complicated people and an easy program that works hard is some of the early stuff I heard and learned was true and then comes it works if you work it. I have been listening to the shares here and I've been around for a while I know when someone reaches 9 because I have been there also. So while you are feeling a bit crumby let me pat you on the back for the changes you have made (not the ones you haven't and are coming). Let me also say that when you get your bestest opportunity?....say that last line of your post to him and then let him go again. The apology is not an initation or opportunity to rehash anything. It is just an even in honest remorse. "I am sorry about what I did."
I can use your share in my life today. I will in fact store it in my recovery tool box. I've got a big one.
UPDATE: Last night my son called me to say how sorry HE was that we had resorted to yelling once again. I told him I, too, regretted the outburst. He is quick to point out that "YOU ARE ALL I HAVE...I HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO LISTEN", making me feel even more responsible to try and keep the communication lines clean and open. Anyway, still not feeling great about our set-to. My spouse reminded me this morning already that "You should be sure and tell ______ that if he comes here to visit tomorrow with any kind of drinking evident, he won't be welcome". Well, I already intended that because I do it all the time....set the boundary with him and he knows I will carry through and not allow him to be around his child if alcohol is evident. We have only had to do this twice in two years, so maybe it works or perhaps I am just deceived??? Who knows for sure? I also thought that perhaps I should say to spouse "How about YOU do some talking for a change?" but didn't. Why start the day out this way?
Grandbaby came at 6:30 AM today for me to breakfast and dress and take to school. He was such a bright spot so early! We chatted on the way to school and he revealed a goal to me!!! I was chatting with him about people going to work and school in all the traffic; I asked him where he would go to work when he got to be a big person. His answer (get ready!!): I WORK AT McDONALDS! How funny is that!! No doubt about what his favorite place is right now!! Thanks everyone for your support of me. It helps!
I dunno for me personaly whenever someone says that they are the only ones I have I used to be sucked in like a sinkhole. Now when someone "needs" me in that way I say "red flag" "red flag". I know for me I will never be the only resource for people again. That almost sunk me into the ground with the A.
One reason I ran like hell from this new guy was he needs and I do not have it to give to someone right now.
I appreciate how seductive and glue like dependency is. I felt so contented in so many ways last summer when the A needed me. The needing me did not stop him from messing up again and again and again. I could barely stand it by the end of the summer, the lies, the manipulation, the making me totally responsible for all that is wrong in his life.
My ESH is whenever someone makes me the "only" person" in their life I see it ias a huge red flag. I used to be so attracted to that for dependency and abandonment issues now I see it is a huge issue that I will no longer sink into. I can get so incredibly trapped in there. I will not absolutely will not go there again, I got sunk in a sink hole I could not get out of going there.
I agree with Maresie on this point that when someone says I'm all they have I feel the hoover kicking into high gear. When that one person isn't availble they always seem to miraculously find others to meet their needs. Just an observation but glad you were able to enjoy your grandson!
