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I'm trying to figure out away to handle this situation. My fiancee has been stealing money from me to buy alcohol. I suspected him of doing this in the past but last night it was confirmed. i got off my work my friend was being very rude to me by calling me names.
I told him he shouldn't disrespect me like that. I went to the bedroom, and came out of the room 10 min later and he was gone and so was my car. He wasn't gone very long (less than 25 min) but when he got back, I confronted him and asked him where did he go, initally he lied, than I said, "You went to the liquor store didn't you?" , He lied again and said NO and I said I know your lying...he confess and said i did, i said you stole my money from me...he said your my wife...i said i'm not your wife i'm ur fiancee but that still not does justifies your stealing from me
He also said, i know if would of asked you for the money you would of said no because you don't want me to drink. I said, you just had a 1/2 gallon on Sat and he was finished my Sunday morning, then he went off, cussing and carrying on outside then he came back in.
I said, regardless of what...it's stealing and your wrong.
I've certainly been there. One of my huge concerns when I was with the A (I left him last year) was his drinking and driving. I hate to say this but every one of my concerns came true. I could not find a way to get the truck we had together away from him. I think I was absolutely wracked with emotion most of the time, rage, grief, disbelief, hope, denial you name it I was in it.
I confronted the A many many times about lying and stealing. He kept on doing it. Eventually I got to make a plan b of what I needed to do to leave. I made that plan for a long long time. Then eventualy I did leave, even after that I had feelings of great responsibility for the A. Detaching and focusing on me was very very difficult for me. Coming to this room daily helped immeensely.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, but it comes with the territory of a'ism. When my AH is on a bender, he is unable to comprehend the consequences of his financial decisions. He will take money from our bill paying account without telling me. He will write checks and not record them. Don't get me started on any cash he may find around the house, in our daughter's piggy bank, or in my wallet. When he is drinking, his only compulsion is how to get the alcohol...he will deal with the rest later. There are several steps I have taken to try to prevent disaster:
1. If he takes money and is caught I make him pay back every penny, sometimes with interest. 2. Never keep cash where he might find it. Keep your wallet empty. I keep my cash in very strange places, like an old eyeglass case in the junk drawer, someplace he would never look. 3. Don't have a joint checking account. 4. Keep your bills separate. Make him responsible for the ones in his name. Don't put his name on the one's you pay.
Basically, I have found it to be a big mistake to mingle my finances with an alcoholic's. It is a sad reality, but one I live with. I hope you have better luck and avoid some of the pitfalls the rest of us have made.
Not advise but a couple of suggestions. I think the suggestion from CG to get to face to face meetings is best for you. The next one takes courage...a ton of it. Talking about stealing usually doesn't stop it cause talk is cheap (there's an old adage eh?) so how about a consequence like, "Call the local Alcoholics Anonymous Central number, find out where the meetings are and start attending in the next 24 hours or leave within that time limit. If he is stealing it usually means that he doesn't have money of his own so you may have to write off what is lost for now. Keep your purse with you including your credit cards and cash and a finger on what can be easily taken and traded or sold for booze.
Keep coming back here for support and sharing and here are some (((((hugs))))) for you.
I think another suggestion that comes up often here is to read, Getting them Sober is a good resource. Going through the archives here has been immensely helpful for me. You will see people's journeys. That is a real joy and grace in that. We have meetings here, sometimes it is difficult to get in. I am going to get a laptop soon and start diving into meetings here again. For some of us getting to face to face is difficult.
There are books, tons of them on codependency and living with an alcoholic. I find them all immensely helpful.
I can say this I've been her for 3 years, I 've been to hell and back but it does get better. My life is infinitely better, not where I want it to be but "better' for sure.
Everyone, this man does not care. He said that he doesn't care and he does not scare. My water got cut off today and he comment to me...why was it cut off. I said because you keep taking money, Of course I went out and got a money order so it will be back on this today . but he said, Now that extra 20 dollars to pay the reconnect fee could of when to my liquor.
I mean he drinks a 1/2 gallon that last 1 1/2 days. or a pint a day if he's low on money. He says he likes drinking and he's not going to stop until he wants to but he loves to drink. He scares about noone but himself.
He is the most unsupportive man I have ever been with
HI dear, decided to go ahead and post this here also.
Ok my first thought was this: "I love looking at a rough ocean during a storm,but I am not going to jump into it."
What do you get out of this relationship? I can tell you, he is NOT yelling at you. He is yelling out his guilt and self hate.
He has a horrible disease. I can tell you it will get worse.
Even if he goes into recovery, the chances of him relapsing are, he will and this stuff and worse will cont. and get worse.
If he already has the nerve to use you buy stealing from you, including your car, he will start selling your stuff.
I could not find tools,my pressure washer and more. Once they do this, they are so sick they have NO boundaries. I mean steal your car and money.
Red flag big time, he says you are married so it is ok to steal from you.You guys are not even married yet and he is using that HE believes your stuff is HIS and he can do whatever he wants.
I am very sad for you believe me.My AH was the love of my life for over thirty years.
We had such a nice marriage. After brain surgery and relapse, it got worse and worse and more and more painful physically,mentally and emotionally.
If it were me, and it was, I would get out asap. If he took my car and or money I would call the police.
Not for me but for him. He needs to feel the consequenses of his sick behavior.
We enable them by protecting them from themselves. He needs to feel miserable. The hope is he will start feeling so bad, he will do anything to stop. He will walk himself to rehab and fight to get better.
If we keep them comfortable, allowing them to steal, lie, cheat, kill, get dui's and more they cannot reach a point of having to change.
I hoped my AH would have to get well. But no, he moved right in with this gross woman who babies him.
I hope I did not come on too strong. I do my best to tell you I hurt for you as I have been there.
It was so bad, that if he, whom I LOVE and adore, was in recovery ten years, would NEVER go back to him. It hurt too much. I hope you keep coming back. Maybe you can find meetings to go to. Alanon literature is great. We also have a chat room here and you can pm there in real time.
I got to a point that I really had to ask myself "why am I still with this person?" Everyones answer is different, and most of us our answer will change as we grow in this program. So I suggest finding a f2f meeting as well or our chat meetings here. And above all I would suggest you put any life decisions on hold untill you have attended lots of meetings and can make a really informed decision about where you want your life to go from here.
Keep coming back.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Non-caring and non-scaring alcoholics are legend in numbers and now that you know that and have your own...don't be thrown off by the attitude or the lack of awareness or virtue or anything else. You are in a real fight with the cunning, powerful and baffling disease. You have your own alcoholic and need not succumb. You don't even need to fight it. You can extract yourself from it; back away and back out. We learned that we could do this as some of us had this disease as a symbolic saimese twin...stuck to and living off of our own mind, body, spirit and emotions. We learned how not to feed it with help from others who have come before us and who learned well and were willing to give it away to us also if we were honest and willing to learn and practice.
My sponsor once said that most people avoid the surgery necessary for healing because of the fear of pain. How true that was for me. I would not cut her loose so that she could have the dignity of the consequences of her own choices and the choice to save her own life in AA. I cried (just think me a man crying for God's sake!!) like a baby when I saw myself letting her take care of herself and then I did it. I went thru the surgery and it hurt like hell and the healing felt soooo wonderful and my life got healthy again. After several years of trying to beat the disease...so did she. She got sober without me her evil saimese twin hanging on her back. I surrendered and then she did and HP and the programs had us both.
This is the starting point for you. Will this work for you as it has for thousands of others? It will if you did what we did. 1. Get to face to face meetings and continue to go (Keep coming back) for 90 days or more. 2. Get as much literature at these meetings as you can and read it all...some are daily readers. 3. Learn and work the steps within the group. 4. Get a sponsor who has recovery you admire and who is willing to work this program with you. 5. Get a HP (this one should be first) Higher Power that you have an understanding of and continually abandon yourself to that HP. 6. Keeping doing it all even as you start to get better over time and you certainly will whether he is still there drinking or not, self centered or not, defiant and in denial or not...it won't matter what phase of the insanity he is in for you...you will get better and you won't want to surrender your life of happiness for anything or anyone after that ever.
No, you did not come on too strong! I understand what you're saying. When a similar incident happen in the best....I should of the calls the cops and left him but I did not! Even my cousin said...LEAVE HIM...DON'T TAKE HIM BACK! but I did...I believe that was the worst mistake of my life, I should of left him alone then. When you say, it can only get worst...my God...as much worst can it get because this is too much to bear as it is.
I know, I will defintley take your advice, I have put away all of credit cards and money. I mean this is like dealing with a crack head. My god, I never thought I would be in a situation like this. I plan on attending a meeting sometime in the near future.
Thanks for the advice but guess, what my AF found some money hidden that i had in a old eyeglass case. I guess they will look anywhere! I mean I hear of crack heads doing it but I know I deal that A's are just as bad :(
Do you think I should still attend the meetings once I leave him?
Dandtalways - From my own experiences - YES, you should attend meetings once you leave him. You see, many of us have something in us that attracts these types of relationships - and finds it hard to let go of them. We're caretakers, we're enablers, we're rescuers. I let go of my A bf 11 years ago and promptly dropped out of al-anon. I felt like I had graduated. I was done. I had no more need for al-anon since the A was no longer in my life. I was free!!! Well guess what? He re-entered my life two years ago and found the same girl. THE SAME ONE! I had not changed one bit. I immediately started with the clinging, and worrying, and anxiousness, and doubting, and questioning. All of that crazy stuff. He's again exited my life, but I now realize that I need this program. If I don't learn something and get my life on a new path, I will indeed repeat this pattern. And I don't want to do that. I'm ready for a new life - a healthier one, where I don't accept the same kind of treatment.
I hope you stick around the program and watch as miracles begin to unfold in your life.
There was an AA speaker in my al-anon meeting last night and he said if it were not for his mother calling the police whenever he approached the house, refusing to give him money for rent or food, taking his car away, leaving him on the streets, etc. he never would have gotten sober. he said he used to call his mom and say: mom, I am so hungry, I am starving, I have not had anything to eat in 3-4 days- please bring me some food and she would go and pick him up and take him to the nearest soup kitchen/shelter (which he said he hated). When he stole money from his mom and dad they called the police and pressed charges. He said he is the best liar on the face of the earth and everyone believed him when he said he was not using.
Thank you Jean! Your AA had strong lovigngparents. My ABF Mother gives him money for liquor and if he starts acting strange, she will say, I know what you need....you need a bottle or your drink...here go get a bottle and she also condones his behavior.
I mean right now...he's okay but I have no intentions this situation being my future!
Your post and the responses and your subsequent replies touched such a large wound deep in the core of me, and brought back so many scary things that I have not been able to respond to you before now.
GET OUT. LEAVE. OR, GET HIM OUT AND CHANGE THE LOCKS. GET THE LAW BEHIND YOU, WHATEVER IT TAKES. PROTECT YOURSELF...IT WILL GET WORSE, and they reason everything out as being reasonable in their eyes and make you think that you are the unreasonable one, and YOU SUFFER big time.
THAT IS MY THOUGHTS AND THAT IS WHAT I WOULD DO IN YOUR SITUATION RIGHT AWAY...things don't matter they can be replaced, but you cannot and you only have ONE LIFE.
So concerned for you, he is a bully and deep in the grips of a disease that kills everything it comes into contact with given time. I stayed for years in the situation that you were in and I am nearly twenty years away from the time I did leave, but the wounds are still there, still lurking, still needing to be healed and tended. If only I knew then what I know now, don't you be another me. Listen, learn, and take the support offered here in this family, in f2f meetings, in the learning and those around you who are willing to help you and support you too.
I am saying all of this with great concern for you and out of love for you as a sister touched by this disease, for I know that you are worth more that he has to offer.
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Thank you responding.You are correct, he rationalizes everything that he does but the most disturbing part is he will say something to me, and if I say, "Why did you say that"", He will what are you talking about?, I didn't say anything I'm like yes you did and this man will say he didn't say it and he did..ITS CRAZY!
Now, this is not all the time but it has happen twice and to me its insane. There are times when everything is fine, everything is going good, then here comes the monster and when the monster rears its ugly head...its horrible!
Therefore, the bad is outweighing the good. In order for me to heal the way I need to I know that I cannot have any contact with him or with anyone in his family because if I do, I know what the end result will be. I know that for a fact. Becasue if I do, I will be back with him and I know thats not going to be easy but I am going to certainly try.
I didn't know that pain like this could hurt to this extend (I don't if that made sense or not) but It just hurts. Even when he trys to be nice, I can't get thoughts out of mind.
Funny you interpreted what I said as relating to making your escape because in reality I was thinking run now run fast but I just said get to a meeting. Must have read my mind...?
...you know, my friend says I will pay you back the money...and he did but i'm like that besides the point. I doesn't matter if 10 dollars or a 100 dollars...you just don't do things like that. Like I said, last night...all is well and good but i know he's going to be drinking tonight...I just hope he's good. I mean, it's not like he's mean and nasty everytime he drinks (sometimes he's very nice).
I might go out dancing this weekend...I love dancing...very relaxing...I haven't done that in while...the good ole days
Well I can only tell you what I did in the situation. I lived with an A for seven years. We had a home together, a nice home, full of my stuff. When he acted out I acted out by putting more in the relationship. He messed up I rescued him in ways that nearly killed me. I put thousands of dollars into helping him. He lied day one. He hid things from me day one. That was the way we began and ended the relationship. I set limits, I stopped drinking. I stopped going out with him when he was drinking. 5 years in I came to Al anon completely non functional. I was so angry I squeaked. I was incredibly depressed and lonely and isolated. I came here and put it out there what I was dealing with day in day out. I went to meetings, most days I did not get out of my bath robe. The A continued to act out. He was gone day and night. He had every lie in the book for his money loss. He had every lie in the book for not taking care of anything. He surrounded himself with drug addicts and alcoholics. He blamed me for everything that was wrong in his life. He would tell me daily he did not want me around. I clung on and clung. Recently I told him that for year she had said he wanted rid of me now he was so please leave me alone. I meant it. He humilated me, he angered me to the point of insanity. I did everything to get him to pay attention to me, I screamed blue murder, I acted out. I demanded and demanded and demanded he did not answer me most of the time.Even today I thought he wanted me to commit 110% and he wanted to give nothing. He belived in some fantasy unconditional love thing that he wanted to do as he wanted but wanted me to be around to pick up the pieces for him. I always did, year in year out I picked up the pieces believing in some delusion of my own that was love.
After being here for a while I started to detach. I stopped focusing on him and started focusing on me. Of course he said that was because all along the problem was with me. I went to counselling. He appreciated me being off his back because then he could act out more. I focused more on me, what could I do, how could I take care of me.I started taking actions to focus on me rather than him. Meantime he acted out more. I got a job, he stopped working altogeher. Eventually he started stealing from people, he moved in people who used drugs day and night. By then I was on my way out. He was suprized when i said nothing when he moved them in, I was on my way out. He loved loved loved the chaos and the craziness of our lives. If I raged at him it gave him an excuse to run out and get loaded. I stopped raging, he still got loaded.
I still don't know how I moved out. I know I felt incredible withdrawal for months. I missed him, I worried about him I knew he was in real trouble and I worried about our dogs. I had reason to worry about them. Eventually I started caring for him again. I did so with consciousness. I helped him tremendously to the ninth degree with housing, with money for food, with everything. No matter what I did he had to destroy it. He was on demand demand demand day and night. There were points when I felt I could not say no because he was in such trouble. I held on for dear life until holding on nearly killed me.
Eventually working this program paid off. I had opportunities things presented themselves to me. I went from making no money to better money. I took action daily, I spent day and night on this board. I surrendered.
Last September I told him I could not take care of him anymore. His rage was incredible. He told everyone around him I was a terrible person. He did everything he could to make me feel guilty. His demands never stopped, he demanded tried to make me feel guilty, responsible for him the works. I did not yield. I helped him to move some stuff and he was not grateful for one second. He expected me to give him every bit of energy,time and effort he had. He reacted to any gesture with more and more bitterness and anger.
I would not recommend this journey to anyone when alcoholism has progressed to a certain point there is an incredibly ugliness in life. For some people it goes quickly for others there are ups and downs. When I focused on me I had no idea the A would get much worse, much much much worse. I barely survived that.
These days I do not have any contact with him. I don't want any contact with him either. I am through worrying myself sick about him. I used to give him to God regularly. Now I know God must have some plan for him because there is no way he should be alive the way he drives and carries on. I am willing to put him in God's hands rather than make myself ill taking care of someone who hates me for giving anything to him. I was not willing before I am now maybe because I believe if I do go on caring for someone who is so hell bent on destruction he'll destroy me in the process and I'm not yet ready to be destroyed. I choose having a life these days over not having one. I did not have one for years with him and that was part of my own disease.
For me its clear I need a great deal of help from Al anon. I am one year out from leaving the A and I am still very much at sea with many things. I am going to have to take a lot of time to unravel what was my part in it and that is hard going. The issue is not all about him and his drinking and using, for now its "me" and my codependency.
No once can tell you how, when, how to leave him. There are those who leave and those who stay and there are some people who are alcoholics who get sober and stay sober and people go on to have challenging lives with someone who is sober. For me the A had progressed so far I could not go on any further with him. I think a sane person would have seen day day one when they met him but I was not sane I was virulently codependent and I am willing these days to admit to that.
I attended my first online meeting this evening...it was very helpful. I have also been reading literature about co-dependency. Everyone has been so helpful on this board.
I can relate to everything being on "you"....at first you feel so "wanted" and love but then he just becomes a burden. I guess because our "eyes" start to open up ...and we say...OMG! Why i'm I still here? Why am I putting up with this? I tell you only the lord can help us through this and I am so glad, i founded this website and founded a new family who understands!
I am trying to focus on myself and get myself better because I am a natural givetaker and I know that when I detach or attempt to detach from him...it won't be easy but with the Grace of God....i will make it---(WE WILL MAKE IT)!!!
