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I want to scream. I'm trying to stay sane, and trying to detatch - so hard right now.
My AH lost his job, and has been out of work for 3 months. We both decided to go back to school because we get the GI Bill from being in the military.
He just got a new job. I'm trying to stay focused on school and work but it's so hard. He didn't go to work last night because he came home from school and was drunk. He drinks smirnoff vodka. Only his 2nd day of work and he misses it! In the last 2 weeks he's been picked up and sent to a local hospital for detox. He came home last week drunk and couldn't remember where he went or anything - black out.
He's 28 and I'm afraid he's not ever going to get help for himself. He's hit rock bottom so many times, but apparently not enough, or not hard enough.
I'm tired and I'm scared and all I want to do is to go to work and school with out his drinking affecting me. It's so hard. I didn't go to school today again. So stupid, why do I let it get to me like this? I can't let his drinking stop me from getting my degree. I have to stay motivated.
It's worked out for me so I can work and go to school full time, and pay rent and all the bills by myself. If it comes down to kicking him out, I can afford to stay here by myself. It'll be hard, but doable.
I just know that I finally got off my butt and am trying to make my life better and I told myself I'm not going to let his drinking affect my school, work, or my sanity. But it has, and it is now. I feel bad because I don't want to give up on school, but between work, school, the laundry, cleaning, bills it all gets so overwhelming. And instead of making sure we're ok with money when he doesn't have any - he goes into his overdraft at the liquor store.
Oh, then I stole his wallet. I know, big no no. After he got home last week and passed out on the floor, I took his wallet and went to work. I thought that way he would be sober by the time I got home from work. I knew it was wrong to do but I did it anyway. I totally forgot about his checkbook though..... Then I just felt stupid because I sank that low.
So many promises from him this last month broken. He was actually sober for the last 2 days then last night happened. Why do I get my hopes up anymore? After countless times of being dissapointed I still think, "maybe this is it, maybe he's going to get help this time and quit".
If only it were that easy. So I just need to get up and not let alcoholism control my life, and going to school. I just want to stop thinking about it, but it's so hard to detatch and ignore it.
Thanks for listening, and letting me vent. Definetly need some ESH
(((CJ))) It is so hard to watch someone we care about destroy themselves. It sounds like you are doing a great job of protecting yourself from his disease. You are financially independent, and you have goals for your life. If you don't already have separate checking accounts, you may want to consider opening one in your name alone. I have found it very hard to watch my AH face the consequences of his actions, and he doesn't take it well when he has too (blames me for not saving him). I still save him too often. Sometimes, allowing them to fall on their face or get fired or live in a shelter, is the only way to not only allow them to face reality, but preserve our own sanity.
Stay busy, keep up with school and work, make friends at both places, study at the school library instead of home. The busier I am, the less time I have to dwell on the a'ism. Don't forget yourself. Be kind to yourself. Go to a f2f meeting. You are doing a great job with your life in spite of some really terrible circumstances.
Hi Chris.... your story reminds me very much of where I was with my AW years ago..... Sounds to me like you know what you need to do, and that is to take care of yourself, first and foremost..... Keep up your schooling, do the things that are important to you - with or without him.....
"He's either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Keep working on you.... it sounds like you're definitely heading in the right direction.... I'd also encourage you to read the "Getting Them Sober" books, particularly volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. They explain things so well, and were virtual lifesavers for me....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well for me detaching was not about ignoring it. Detaching was all about what could I do to make me feel better. I did the wallet stuff, I did the scream stuff, I did the begging stuff. That didn't help. Finally when I started to focus on me and my plan b I got some traction. In fact when I focused on me the A got worse, much much worse.
I think it is incredibly hard to live with an active alcoholic. No one expects you to be a saint. This place is a great resource to come and let off steam.
"maybe this is it, maybe he's going to get help this time and quit".
I spent about 6 of the 7 years I was with my husband thinking this. It still pops up now and then. Even now he has been sober for a few weeks and I go acting like he's normal and that's after having moved out 18 months ago.
Here's my ESH on this. When I moved out with 3 kids I thought there was no way I could make it financially. My A made about 3k a month and I just walked away from it. He lost his job the next day. He has had various jobs since but loses them when he goes back to jail. For the first six months I kept thinking I'm not going to make it... Then money would just appear and we'd get through fine. Finally I got a 2nd job that fits my schedule and now I'm making enough that we don't worry at the end of every month. I finally learned that I cannot in any way RELY on him financially. About 1 year into our relationship I kept all the bank accounts in my name only. At the end after being fooled for the umpteenth time that he was better after almost a year of sobriety we got a joint account and bought two vehicles with both our names on them. When I moved I took every dime and put it in an account with only my name on it. I never put my name on a credit card that he had access to. We lost one of the vehicles when he got a dui and the impound yard sold it.
That quote up there in combination with me being a girl of my word, feeling guilt for others and feeling the need to make instant decisions has been my downfall for the past 15 years.
I keep thinking lately, I only get one life. Why do I keep wasting it like this? I got a BA almost 10 years ago living with an addict and 1 child and pregnant with a second, I did work study and got welfare. All I know is that it is TOTALLY POSSIBLE to do anything you set your mind to.
What's going on with you right now, the insanity, is typical active alcoholism. This is a major disease and if he doesn't get help and stay with that help he'll either stay insane or die. AA works best and isn't the only way.
I like that you checked in with MIP which has it's foundation in the Al-Anon Family Groups cause although there are other recoveries, Al-Anon works best. We are the children, friends, associates, family and spouses of alcoholics who have been affected by the disease much like the alcoholic except we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. We go thru this insanity with our eyes wide open and our senses right out in front. We also affect others around us much like the alcoholic because we become as crazy and inappropriate as they do. We have the same three choices they have.
Welcome here. My suggestion is look up in your phone book in the white pages to see where the Al-Anon Family Groups hotline is and call them for help. Often times you will find face to face meetings on your campus. Face to face meetings are real and "touch recovery" events. Give it a try.
Your alcoholic is suffering from the most cunning powerful and baffling disease ever imagined. He is not in control of it. It is incontrol of him. If you expect anything from him expect the disease and abnormal behavior and thinking. Until he goes for help this tiger will be clinging and clawing on his back, gut, mind, and spirit 24/7. At the moment it is killing him. Blackouts are a sign that his mind and body are overstressed by alcohol. At the same time if he tries to stop withdrawal will make him wish her had never tried and the pain will be severe. If he is not with a recovering person or group of persons he will drink in a microsecond whether you have his wallet or not. (Drinkers support drinkers...we love each other...if someone doesn't have the price of a drink we will get that drink for them. There is a real social part to this disease.)
Call the AA hotline and ask them if they have recovering men who do 12 step calls and if they do ask them if they can do one on your husband. Be honest and trusting with them because they come from where your husband is at now.
No matter what happens you need you, you need help (you came here) and this is where it all changes for you if you are willing.
Welcome CJ. Alcoholism is an aggressively baffling disease. My A has been a VERY active alcoholic for 25+ years. Minus a 6-year stint at sobriety and a jillion mini-stints. And when I say "jillion", I absolutely mean it. We're not together now (we're on the "off-again" side of our relationship), but even at this moment, my crazy head is telling me, "What if this is the time he finally gets sober once and for all?" Which would be an answer to all of my prayers. It truly would. (except that very small side of me that wishes that if/when he does finally get it together, he would be in my life.....but that's my own illness....)
All we can do is pray for them, and work our program, and stay focused on taking care of ourselves. If you lose your goals or yourself in this process - then you've lost everything. Regardless of his outcome.
I encourage you to get involved with al-anon and learn everything you can about this disease.
Wow you sound like me. I spent 14 yrs w my AH.Always the promises.They are master manipulators , and excellent liars.Mine finally went into rehab in Dec, stayed for 2 months.Thn the dayhe came home he got drunk.It was a mean drunk too,blaming me for everything.He stayed drunk all weekend.Then on the 3rd day , as I watched him crawl to the couch, I realized Id had enouph.I looked around my home and noticed everything in it , I bought. Our kids, I raised them.And they were seeing all of this. I got a restrianing order , and filed for a divorce. Am I scared ? Lonely ?Worried about him, yes , I am. But I know I cant raise my kids like that anymore. When hes gone , my anxiety and blood pressure are way down. The kids can play and be kids without bieng cussed at or threatened .Financially , Im not sure.But Im paying all the bills anyway. I know life isnt about money.Our lives can change in a hot second.Anything can happen .You HAVE TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU ! For me , I wont hide anymore. I dont have to make excuses.If my family wants to come over, now they can.My daughter can have sleepovers.And now mabey my son will finally be able to have a play date w a friend.I grieve for what I thought my life wouldve been. I thought Id stay married to him forever.I had hopes for us up to this point.I could say I miss him,but I dont even know who he is anymore.Its very hard for me to remember the good days with him. But I think My Kids and I will be ok Midget
