The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my husband has always been a drinker but never like this, its been 5 years solid now, he knows i wont have him drinking in the house because of the kids so he spends all his time in the pub,usually 16 hour stints a day!. so i am alone. i used to chase him everywhere and phone him, then one day about 7 years ago i just stopped i thought to my self why bother he is not going to come home anyway so why bother chasing him and working myself up over it. i think i have started to detach but not in a good way, i have built such a wall up between us that nothing seems to get through, i dont understand what is happening to me anymore, 1 day i can feel on top of the world and cope with 1 thing at a time and have a really good day and then the next i am so absorbed in my own disgusting self pity that i cant even function properly. i dont want to take the blame for this i know i have done all the things wrong, i have lied to cover for him, i have cleaned up his messes, i pay all the bills and run the whole house and look after the three kids all by myself but i did that because i thought i was doing the right thing for him. no stress no drinking! i now know i was wrong but why should i take any blame i have done nothing but hold this family together for years if it wasnt for me my kids wouldnt have a roof over their heads. i have no friends left and no family to speak of, he has chased them all away and now im left alone constantly, i dont even know how to be around people anymore he has turned me in to the person i am and now moans that im boring and unsociable and no wonder i have no friends.if i try to enjoy myself i risk getting a smack in the mouth or im being a sl--. i dont know who i am anymore or who im supposed to be or who i want to be, do i want to be with this man for the rest of my life, at the moment no. most of the time i pity him and feel for him like a lost child but love him the way i used to no! maybee that is part of being together as long as we have maybee not, but after 17 years is it fare to walk away and abandon him when he is so ill== im only 31 is this really it forever, he said he wanted to talk tonight but has been asleep on the sofa all night, i dont mind its quiet i keep praying for the day he says he is leaving or having an affair because then i wont have to feel guilty. dont get me wrong he isnt all bad, but he tries to buy me with things and doesnt understand its not what i want. any ideas ,maybee books that can help. thanks for listening at least i have someone i can rely on.
I just went to the library and checked out one of the recommended books from this website:
Getting Them Sober; You Can Help, by Toby Rice Drews. It is easy reading and it helps you to understand all of the things /feelings /anger you are going through.
"I don't know anything anymore!" That has got to be the best statement to make when reaching the doors of Al-Anon, because none of us did either. I sure didn't and that is one of the very first realisations I had when getting here. It sound like you are qualified for the Al-Anon Family Groups by that resume you let us in on. Any idea how many of us have said and done the same thing ourselves?
You're home and now have thousands of friends and if you get to Face to Face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups you will find that we encircle this planet. I hope there are meetings in your area. You can find out from the white pages of you telephone book or call AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) central office. They will know.
What you are feeling is normal for this disease not abnormal. If you are feeling crazy you are supposed to feel crazy because the disease of alcoholism makes sure that it happens.
There will me a lot of members that will respond to you also...mostly women and the disease as messed with alot of mens' hearts and heads also, I could spend hours on that with you but will save the long wind for over a period of time. You can't get all the answers in a couple hours since it's taken much longer to get you to the crazy place you are at now. Sit back and read and respond and take your time but keep coming back.
Welcome to our family at MIP. You will find many people here who can relate to the circumstances you describe in your post. Most of us have gone through the same or similar things. As Jerry has said, I urge you to begin to attend Face to Face meetings in your area if at all possible.
The book " Getting them Sober " by Toby Rice Drews was a tremendous help in my own journey. Also "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage" was an extremely helpful resource.
When I first started with Al-Anon, I was feeling as desperate as I sense that you are now. I just felt that I could not cope with one more day with this Alcoholic in my life. I can truly say that Al Anon has saved my sanity if not my life. People that knew me before Al Anon are amazed at the change in my outlook and my countenance. I live my life "One Day at a Time", and each day for me gets just a little better.
My husband is still drinking, as a matter of fact he is passed out cold on the couch right now because he has been drinking all day. The funny thing is, I am actually glad for the solace. A year ago, I could not say that.
Al Anon teaches the 3 C's. I did not Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it. Just remember that none of it is your fault.
Take Care of yourself.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
__________________
A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I just know you will find so much help and support and love here in this family. You have got a lot of excellent feedback so far and I can only endorse everything that has been said so far.
Getting them sober is a book that has been recommended time and time again by many on this forum. Whilst, Jerry's pick up on "...I don't know anything any more..." as being the best statement to make when reaching for the doors of Al-anon is spot on. There is certainly a home here for you. And, Claudia's point about the 3 C's is a real life saver, as is the " One Day at a Time" practice, which I have even broken down to one minute at a time when a whole day has seemed to be too much for me to face at the time.
Read others, try to get literature that will enlighten you, and remember you are not alone for there are many who will relate to your story and who will be here for you so keep on coming back.
Welcome to your new family and watch the miracles happen, for one of them may be just waiting around the corner for you, as you work towards your own recovery.
God Bless, Hopefulheart
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 21:56, 2008-02-23
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
i have only been with you a short time but have felt so overwhelmed by the responce i have had.you dont know me but you have all offered so much love and companionship which i am astounded by.i feel so much better just knowing that you are all their and i can whinge as much as i lkie and you wont get fed up with hearing the same crap all the time because i know i am. im sick of hearing myself.but the greatest thing you have offered me by far is no judgment... you dont judge me for staying and putting up with him and you dont judge him badly either. and bearing in mind many of you are going through the same things as me i think its phenominal that you can offer me these things. so to all of you thank you from the bottom of my heart.
i came into this room about 3 years ago. I was lost, angry, suicidal and desperate. I could not get a job to save my life. I was so depressed. I found enormous solace here and a great vehicle for my recovery.
I held the A together for years, I rescued enabled and resented him to the point of toxicity. I came here and gradually over time stopped. I stopped putting him at the center. He got much much much worse. My worst nightmares came true. I found myself totally homeless, penniless, sick and ill and fearful. I had no idea how to survive. I kept coming here and kept resourcing and kept sharing.
I won't say my life now is wonderful. I am firmly in surival mode. I worry about how I will make it but I do feel better. I no longer feel totally victimized. This room has been my total lifeline. I know I can come here daily usually for an hour or more daily and share where I am at. For once in my life I can be where I am and accept it instead of shoulda woulda coulda myself.
I know you will find immense care and love and tenderness here. That is the great antidote to the kind of pain you describe. I have been at times in such pain I did not think I could go on another minute but I did and transformed much of my anguish due to this room.
I can't say I am the picture of recovery and tranquil love and peace but I am in recovery I am not dead which was where I was headed.
I am also not chained to the A. I do not feel any guilt about leaving him either.
/feelings 
/anger 
you are going through.
