when I lived with the A which in essence was only a few short months ago. I spent much of my summer with him in essence although I did not live with him, I was convinced I knew what was best for him.This summer when he decided to be homeless I became convinced I knew what was best for him in regards to living, and choices which was difficult because he made no choices that had any sense at all.  I was always convinced if he would just stay away from, give up, move on, move to another job, do something that would help.  Nothing of course did help. Well he stayed alived but barely and he certainly lost his sanity many times last year. I have no idea to this date why he is not jailed given he ran into people, crashed cars and drove without a license. I no longer try to control that outcome.

Giving up control has been hard. I had to almost lost my entire sanity to do it. I gave up thinking I knew what he needed and started to concentrate on what I needed. I also concentrated on what I could be responsible for and many days that was hard. I am still incredibly stretched to care for my pets all on my own. 

I live among people who are codependent to a fault and enmeshed.That has been better lately because two of the more dysfunctional (read completely psychopathic) have left.  Living in any kind of communal setting is hard, give in a totally self absorbed slum lord and bad conditions and its a hard going to say the least.  Take on no money and no resources and no transport and you've got a recipe for disaster.  At the same time its a lot lot easier than trying to engage with the A on any level. He invaded and disabled me on so many levels with his constant unremitting need for chaos and control.    I am so glad to be away from that and for me its a life/death decision since he left us homeless, penniless and at risk for every kind of assault in the world. I am still in shock at his decisions to starve and neglect our pets among others.  Letting go of our possessions was incredibly hard.  He either stole or destroyed everything.

I've made it incredibly clear to him recently there is no relationship for him to fall back on anymore. That to me is letting go of control because I held on to some kind of insane idea I could influence him for years.  He basically went out of his way to destroy me at the same time he destroyed all his life work and his ability to function. I stepped away and will continue to step away but giving up was like not breathing for me.  Surrendering to that I could not help him felt like I was giving up on everything I ever tried to do in my entire lifetime. I let go because I trusted this group but I did not trust myself or any thought I had for a long long time.  Alcoholism may have him but it very nearly took me all the way out on its way through his life.
Maresie.

Maresie.