The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today was one of those 2 step back days that I am trying very hard not to have be a major slip for me. I am coming here to get the stinking thinking out of my head and somewhere where I can see it and get some support on.
Hubs and I tried to make a major "want" purchase recently and it did not go through. After speaking to the finance person today I discovered some things are still hanging out there on our credit reports. Some are easy fixes (documentation only), others not so easy fixes that I thought were resolved. After a frustrating day of trying to straighten some of this out I am exhausted mentally & spiritually.
So at the moment I am struggling with trying not to lay blame and create an arguement over it. I am angry that these things still continue to haunt me even after several years of working my butt off to improve things. Much of the debt issues stem from active alcoholism. I like most spent years robbing peter to pay paul when hubs was active. I am trying not to get caught up in the "look at all the money spent" and "if you didnt drink we wouldnt be in this situation still". However, if I look at it objectively, I know that I had choices and I enabled for years, many times sacrificing my financial health to cover him. I am feeling very defeated and want to say the heck with it all. I know that by doing so will not solve anything but it is how I feel.
I do have a lot to be grateful for in the past few years. My hubs is 1 1/2 yrs in recovery. I have health, employment, a roof over my head, food in my fridge, transportation etc. And I know that HP has a reason for not allowing me my wants right now - although I am not happy with it and I think I deserve it for all the hard work I have done to get where I am now. For as frustrating as this is I know all will be revealed when it is supposed to be.
For tonight I have already done my 1 1/2 miles on the treadmill, told my hubs where I am at in my head and that I am going to try not to judge him for old hurts and put what I am feeling out on this board. So tonight HP I ask you one thing - please keep one hand on my shoulder to guide me and the other over my mouth to keep me quiet. Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Aloha Karen...so you got the needs covered the problem is the wants. I know about that one. It was sooo ego based for me and I had to remember how to tantrum to get over some of the overwhelming anger of "not getting" "when I wanted." gratitude and humility lessons helped alot and I see that you have got a handle on the gratitude part. Good going. I'll bet that no one is feeling more shameful and guilty than your alcoholic. If his eyesight and memory have cleared up I'll bet there's a finger wagging double inside of him making him feel every degree of heat.
(((((hugs))))) to you both. Be kind to each other when the road gets bumpy. Most times its better to grab for each other than the door handle.
You did fantastic here, my friend. The blame and shame feel horrible for everyone around. The great news is because you didn't use those weapons, you are allowing your A to feel the dignity of making his own mistakes. He isn't focusing on your nagging or *itching . He's just realizing that decisions he has made has affected both of your lives.
love ya, Maria
P.S. You know where to find me if you need
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
