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I didn't want to hijack Omajoy's thread... I was starting to relate then went off into my own tirade, so I'm taking it a separate thread:
May I list a character defect of my own?
I am a Control-Freak Perfectionist.
I often hold to the feeling that if you want something done right, you do it yourself - and if you allow someone else to do something for you, you have to micro-manage them and watch them and make sure they're dong it right.
It is really, REALLY hard for me to let go of things and allow other people to do things themselves and possibly screw up.
For instance, cooking - I'm super territorial over our kitchen. I watchdog my AH like a mother with a 5 year old near an open fire, just waiting for my AH to screw up and do something wrong and then telling him how to do it right. "No, hon, don't use that metal spatula on that teflon-coated pan!" "You're going to have burned soup if you put the burner on high!" "You're not supposed to keep flipping the meat when you grill it!"
I could go on and on. And I know it's because I like things the way I like them and don't want what I feel are my possessions (or my meals) getting messed up.
I'm going through the internal battle now with my AH and his mistakes he made when he had his accident. He never called the auto insurance company to report his accident... which just makes things worse. The auto insurance place sent a letter saying he has 30 days to file a "PIP" (?) report with them. That was around two weeks ago. Has he done it yet? No! Which makes me cringe and think, "great, NOW how much worse are our bills going to get because he refuses to cooperate with the auto insurance place."
It irks me, because he should be taking care of these things, and for self-preservation insofar as trying to lessen the blow of big bills, I'm soooo sorely tempted to just do that PIP report for him. But I can't. He has to learn - it just TICKS me off that I'm going to encounter side-effects of his complacency because I'm going to end up paying myself one way or the other. Sure, he may pay the accident-related bills out of his own pocket... but in order for him to afford that, that means I'll probably have to make up for rent or whatever other bills DON'T get paid because he has to pay for his accident. I wonder if I should tell him he needs to take out a personal loan and pay for things if he lets it get bad. But if he doesn't pay back his loan, guess who gets nailed with it? His spouse!
I don't see that as control freaking at all. My A had an accident back when I first started coming here - several actually - and I called the insurance to report it. Then they sent the check to Me! He and I were not living together anymore. When it directly affects you IE you will have to pay, your name is on it, your insuarnce will go up, you will lose money then I think you owe it to yourself to step up and deal with the problem. Even if he caused the problem if it affects you financially and there is something you can do about it it's your job to cover your own booty. That is self protection not enabling in my book. Enabling would be if you were divorced and you did that paperwork for him even though it had no impact on you directly just to save him from the consequences. Take it from me who lost a vehicle to the impound yard with MY name on it too and owes 13k to a bank that will NEVER get paid. If there is something you can do to protect yourself then do so. I didn't want to get the truck because I knew he would just come and take it again and get more duis in reality, I could have gotten the truck, parked it somewhere that he had no idea where it was and make sure the bank got it back after no one paid for months on end (they wouldn't take it otherwise). That would surely have left me in a better position than being responsible for the entire debt. Anywho, at the time I wasn't strong enough and I would have given him the truck back, now I know better. I protect ME first and foremost.
Now I also have the kitchen nazi syndrome LOL, that may be a little over the top but filling out forms to cover your own self is just smart not controlling.
I think that you need to be accountable to yourself, as well.
When it directly impacts how you live your life, YOU have a choice to make. Take care of yourself FIRST. That means fill out the form. Protect yourself.
I fought with myself for a long time about being a control freak. I used to think I was pretty laid back. I was a "nice" person. I knew I was a control freak in some respects but thought I was not in others. I realize now that I was really passive and then really aggressive. I would be completely hands off and then completely controlling. I would spend a great deal of time pretending I was not bothered when in fact I was freaking out here there and everywhere and working hard to stuff it. Not good. Not good for me, not good for anyone, not good for my relationships. Super toxic for me first and foremost.
I now own that I am a control freak and fortunately, I have a job where its good to be like that. As I own who and what I am and why, I am developing a sense of humor about it and around it also, which is really important. It is important to me that I not take myself too seriously re: being a control freak-
I think this program makes you get better acquainted with yourself, who you really are and who you are not and why. Before, I was reacting and behaving in ways that were pretty mysterious to me although I never would have admitted it. I just felt so phoney so much of the time. This is shrinking, thank god/HP. I now can be myself, know what that really means and feel pretty OK about it 9 times out of 10 (accept myself). For me, this is progress.
I am also a kitchen nazi and pretty proud of it. I am this way for a variety of reasons. Many of them are pretty legit (I do not want to deal with cockroaches or insects so I wash up immediately after I make stuff, etc.). I am a 44 year old woman and I can be bossy about my kitchen if I feel like it (I live alone right now). Soon, I will have a room mate but I know that she is that way, also- cleans up immediately after herself (for the same reason), takes out the garbage frequently for the same reason, etc. We are on the same page, had a conversation about it, etc. Its all cool. See, I know myself and am "out" about it. Take it or leave it. Hugs, J.
Well, thank you for shining the light and letting me know I should probably try to preserve myself where the insurance stuff is involved.
I called my AH and asked him if he'd called about the PIP form again. He made it sound like it wasn't his thing to have to do ("It's the hospital's deal") even though HE was the one listed as the person who needs to file the report. So, I simply asked him if he'd called again - he said no.. not his deal, and then I just went ahead and called the insurance company myself. I ended up having to leave a message with the guy, too.
But, after that phone call, my AH called me back and told me he called again and left another message. So... whew. I feel good. All I did was put the bug in his ear. I didn't tell him "You call them right now, Mister!". He decided to call again on his own, and I've left a message with the insurance rep, too, just in case AH doesn't follow through, the agent has me to talk to, as well.
LOL - glad to know I'm not the only Kitchen Nazi out there. ;)
I think it is hard to balance what is his and what is ours when we are so entangled. My response on similar issues would be to do the form, then separate myself from his insurance, even if it is more costly. That way you wouldn't be affected the next time it happens. Or even look into getting yourself taken off the policy now, and not fill out the form. That probably wouldn't work after the fact, but the idea is to disentangle myself from his legal affairs as much as possible so I don't have to take up the slack for his complacency.
When my AH and I separated 6 months ago, I told him I had no desire to divorce him, but he would force me too if he continued on the path of destruction. I would not go down with him financially this time. Then I backed it up by making some major changes to our banking accounts to protect myself and our son. He has shaped up so far, but I will never go back to codependent banking and finances again. I know better now, thanks to some hard opinions from people on this board.
As far as the micro-managing, Yes I am totally there with you on that. It is hard for me to let my AH or anyone do anything their way. I did let(?) him clean out and reorganise a storage cupboard today. I didn't manage hardly at all, really I didn't. (OK, only a little.) I kept myself busy getting another one cleaned out. LOL
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
