The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The past few days I have been missing my A (it's been 18 months since I left him) and today I wake up to a text..."I miss you". So I have been entertaining thoughts of seeing him, talking to him, being together again, etc.
So I'm thinking about this all the way to work this morning and thinking about how in my mind I separate the man from the disease which in reality when living in an actual relationship with someone is not possible for me because the man IS the disease. I think other than that one little (ha ha ya right) problem he was wonderful. Then I think what is miss is not the reality of him but the fantasy of him or what he "could" be or once was (in my own mind anyway). Plus the fact that I have been ALONE in every possible meaning of that word for the past year and haven't found any friends or potential guys here is weighing on my mind. I miss adult conversation and being wanted and just the general comraderie I had with him when he was "normal".
I know that I will be having to talk with him in the next week or so because I made him a promise that he could see the kids if he had a home, job, sobriety and a way to get to a place to see them and I told him last month that in March if he was still doing ok we would set something up. So that is on the horizion.
I guess I'm worried and maybe I'm overthinking this whole thing - that upon seeing him again the good memories and desperation of loneliness will take me back down that road. I guess I can always walk away if it goes downhill. I remember the last few times I saw him I was irritated by everything he said and did because I'm just not the same anymore. That was a year ago! I think I just have a huge fear of opening that door again and having to speak to him, see him, and just deal with him in general. Like I have said before, it was so much easier for me when he was in jail. It's easy to avoid someone when they are completely unavailable.
When I was with him I loved him with all my heart and soul and up until the end we had a great relationship and were great friends. It was so hard for me to cut that tie and get to the point I'm at now where I just don't have anything to do with him other than updates from his mother and occasional incoming text messages that I don't respond to. I think if I had friends or family here it would be different but being completely alone leads to serious desperation for human contact! Just knowing that he still wants me is so hard because I know that door is open, all I have to do is walk through it but I also know what room that door leads to and it's not one I want to be trapped in again. Sometimes I wish he would just find someone else as much as it pains me to say that so that the door could be closed for good, of course I guess that's no guarantee either. I hate to admit that I like the attention and knowing that at least SOMEONE wants me!
This has turned into quite a rant, I guess I'm just conflicted and I have a habit of imagining how things are going to play out - usually wrong. Last time I saw him I still had the tingly feeling in my stomach. Luckily he was in jail and there was nothing I could do about it through the window and that was 9 months ago. I have some resentments toward him regarding a girl that he hooked up with after I moved out that I don't think I can ever let go. I hope the tingle is gone this time when I inevitably have to see him.
I think I need to review my list of reasons never to go there again. Thanks for listening!
CG - oh the list rist of reasons never to go there again. I've got one of those. I've got a book of those. And quite honestly, there's nothing wrong with reviewing that list prior to seeing him. I know for me, when I review that stuff, I remember the girl who wrote that stuff, and what an awful place she was in her life because of this disease. Would that list help me if he knocked on my door right now? hmm...don't know and don't want to have to know. But the list of reasons is ever so helpful to keep in the forefront of your mind.
I have no real ESH on this one. Except to just know where your bottom line and stick to it. And keep your eyes open.
It was interesting that I should read your post this morning because I was thinking about this very thing last night. I'm in the process of divorce from my AH. There was lying, cheating etc in our marriage, but I always believed he was a good person down deep. We made an attempt at getting back together last summer but the pattern started all over again. He kept professing his love for me while still drinking and sleeping with a woman who works at the liquor store. I finally cut off all contact 2 months ago and although I've been lonely, my life has been peaceful and serene without the constant drama phone calls. Last night he left me a message and it threw my heart into a tizzy again. This is what I concluded...take what you want....I to was in love with the fantasy of who I thought he could be not who he actually was. I also believe that the fantasy is an addiciton for me. When I heard his voice last night my heart raced etc. like I needed the drug. I wanted more but stopped myself from calling him back, knowing that even though my life has been uncomfortable and lonely I'm in a far better place now, by caring for myself, than I ever was chasing the fantasy. Last summer I let my loneness get sucked up into that cycle again and nothing had changed. Thank God I had the courage to change the things that I could.
A few more thoughts: in my lonliness I've decided to go to graduate school, look up old friends, go to church, join a kayaking group, take up running. At this point I don't want another romantic relationship but I do want and deserve healthy friendships. We all deserve healthy relationships - you especially.
my experience is, I tell myself, ok you may have him a day or a week, then do you really want to go thru the h again?
the always sad,always griping, not working, lieing, sneakiness and on and on.
It is the disease calling us back into the pit. So insidious hon. In time it is natural to remember the good stuff.Also I believe you are remembering YOU, how you felt, how you saw it.
I refuse to go back into that pit. I refused to allow that evil evilness back into my life.
It almost killed me.
We have to make our own decisions.As far as the kids, I can see you are doing great by them. lotsa love,debilyn
Hi CG.... I think you are on the right path here, by writing out the pros and cons.... it is also typically helpful when you journal along the way, so you can reference the real feelings you had at the various times of the relationship (both the good and the bad).
I'd encourage you to read through a list of "toxic love" (you can google it) - challenge yourself to consider whether or not what you are feeling for your ex is a real love, or a toxic, needy love.....
I guess my worry for you is that you have been lonely...... and sometimes that leads to us making decisions that me may not really want to make for our long term good....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Tom, thank you so much for the toxic love information you posted. Its so funny because Disneyland has always been my favorite place. I know it's over priced and a total rip off but the fairy princess idea always made it my "happy place". All my life I wanted to be one of those Disney princessess who rode off with her handsome prince. I tried to make my AH my prince. Yesterday I was at the post office and they had pictures of Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast. After realizing my "princess complex" I had to laugh thinking that in reality Belle probably wouldn't really be able to make Beast happy in the long run. He probably would have still been sullen and housebound. And then there is Cinderella....really would a girl raised as she was really have been happy in the castle with a man who had been raised weathly and spoiled all of his life. My point is that the Toxic love information is very helpful reading for those of us who want to believe we will live happily ever after...if they will just quit drinking. I'm learning so much every day about healing myself here. Thank you.
i can relate very much. Right now wild horses would not induce me to engage with the A. I have set up a list of obstacles.What are they, what can I do about them. One huge one is loneliness. I work on this stuff. You have huge obstacles. I can see how easy it would be to fall into 'hope" with the A. He's dragged you through so much. He wears you down. I urge you to reach out and seek help and companionship elsewhere. Maresie.
