The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Only 16 days after moving my husband out of our home and all those sick"feelings" have gone. I am in a position now to own my own moods. I don't have to blame him (not that I ever had the right to) for my feelings or moods. I am not alcohol afflicted anymore. It's out of my system. I've "detoxed" . We have been in contact by phone and a few sober visits and he has taken our son on outings. The weird thing is this isn't about hate or dislike or "I'm over you", it's just pure and simple "I'm over alcohol". I still love the man that pours buckets of beer down his throat every night after work!! I still love the person that trudges through life like it's a prison sentence to be endured. Who puts me at the centre of his world, the one person he can trust. I still love this mild, quiet and sensitive person who is a jerk when he full as. I can't make him DO anything, go anywhere or change.Never could. What the heck am I supposed to do now? I ask my God. Live separately until he does something? Hope that he does? I will become estranged, we both will. Our child will. He's terribly hurt, and rather than be indignant at being kicked out, he accepts it as the punishment he deserves. It's cruel, like kicking a dog when it doesn't know what it did. Or throwing a 3 year old outside and saying,"Now stay out there you little brat, you can't come back until you stop liking ice-cream!" Know what I mean? He "knows" it's a problem for me and him, but the "knowing" is in his head that is befuddled by alcohol and the penny hasn't dropped! I have a choice now to face life alone, and continue until anything we had withers completely from lack of attention. Or to return better armed with knowledge of myself and what I deserve. and most importantly, armed with compassion- one of my greatest defects of character. But will I be lost again....slowly poisoned by the toxicity of it all...... So friends, just sharing the "endless aching" with you as it is only US who know why (do we?) we love these furtive people who are afraid to face Life.....that most beautiful gift of God...... confronting agonising, but incredible, life. I am just
.......and I will leave my share at that....thanks.. Grateful but groping for answers from heaven, Silverbrumby
Silver - facing this disease head on really puts us at a crossroads. If our A hasn't found recovery (and isn't seeking it), then we're left to make decisions about how our lives are going to be. No doubt you love your husband, but the life of the A is a difficult one (at best).
"we love these furtive people who are afraid to face Life...." That's it in a nutshell. My A would do ANYTHING not to have to deal with life. Real life. He drank to medicate himself and anesthetize himself from the pain. It is hard watching a "mild, quiet, and sensitive person" be so ripped apart by life. And yet, the drinking serves only to aggravate the problem. Such a vicious circle.
Hi Silver, your post mentions the withering from lack of attention and that really hit home for me. Right now, my marriage is at that spot- completely withered. But I am reminded of something that Debilyn said once that I think really is true- if its a real relationship, it never really withers completely away or goes completely away or "dies". Its changing, transformative and I think that is really true. It takes two and if one wants to leave and does, and that is that there is nothing one can do. But if its meant to be, it will and in some ways unless we completely shut it out and terminate, it takes on a life of its own. I believe that my HP has the ultimate power to either hold us together or set us free to pursue other options. Right now, in this moment, hubby and I are married but not together. I do not know what the future holds for us. I have chosen to pretty much leave this in HP's hands for now (its hard!!). I cannot understand it, it confounds me but its meant to right now and I have to trust this. Again, I am exactly where I need to be even though I struggle with this daily. I love my husband very much. Living with him and his destructive behaviors is a whole other issue. Hugs, J.
living with them is a whole other issue. We can love them but the destructive behaviors cripple you when you live with them...... there is so much peace when you are not around it. Waiting for him to seek recovery will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do...and even harder, if I have to accept that he may never recover. Sharing is so helpful as it alleviates some of the pain, spreading it out, and stops that black hole sucking us back into itself. There is somewhere ahead bright and sunny and I just have to keep going.... bless you all SB
I am coming up to a year in 2 months. I know it gets better. I moved out. I know it is terribly hard. At the same time I had no where else to go with it. The A destroyed everything in his path and then some. I eventually returned to him and helped him more. I then took over our dogs and that was hard too. I can understand bitterness and regret. I am looking forward to it being one year. I have grown so much in this year. I am so confident of my ablity to roll iwth whatever. The As incredible mess is his to clean up now. I am so glad to not even be intrigued anymroe. I am relieved to be away from that mess. I have my own mess to deal with its a big big mess. I work on it daily.
"...I still love the person that trudges through life like it's a prison sentence to be endured. Who puts me at the centre of his world, the one person he can trust. I still love this mild, quiet and sensitive person who is a jerk when he full as. I can't make him DO anything, go anywhere or change.Never could...."
For me (((Silverbumbry))) this said it all.
I too have compassion for a mild, quiet and sensitive person who is ..."afraid to face life..." and feel sadness for the waste, however his fear is affecting the way he behaves in life and that is affecting you and my compassion therefore lies with you too.
What a place to arrive at. You are indeed a strong and caring person, and I know this cannot be all your heart desires, however with God's grace you will get through and enjoy a better life out of the chaos even though you still love, as you gain serenity = and that is evident in your post today.
Love is not something, in my opinion, that one can simply turn off like a light switch and so I hold you in my heart that it will get better for each of you and especially for you and your child as you strife to accept the things you cannot change, and find the courage to change the things you can.
God Bless, Heart
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
