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Well last night I really blew it. The funny thing is, the A has really been acting quite decent lately. It was all over money. We got into an argument and before I knew it, I was ragging on him about his drinking, and you all know the rest.
Today, he hasn't drawn a sober breath. I know I shouldn't blame myself but you all know how hard it is not too. I feel like I've gone back to square one with my program. I'm starting to have the paranoid feelings I used to have about his drinking, even though his drinking today isn't that unusual.
The thing I feel worst about is that I went nuts in front of my daughter. I apologized to both her and the A for my outburst, but that doesn't change it.
I would appreciate your ESH.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Oh, Hon, if I had a dollar for every time I slipped.... Don't be so hard on yourself. You set a bad example by your outburst, but would you have acknowledged this and apologised a year ago or more? I have had to do the same thing quite a few times with my A and son. The program says progress, not perfection. It is a good lesson for your daughter to see you make a mistake, then admit and take ownership of it. My son has started to realise that its ok to make mistakes, as long as we own them and try to do better, since I have tried to stop beating myself up over them.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Oh if you only knew how many times I blew my stack. I have slipped so many times in my recovery, it's a good thing I have lots of padding back there! It's how we grow and learn. Remember we didn't get this way overnight. Our recovery is gonna take some time. But the beauty of our recovery is that we can restart it at any moment we choose. The always comes out and so does our recovery. I like the fact that you apologized to your daughter and hubby. It shows compassion and self awareness. All good things. Be gentle with yourself sweet Claudia. You're a good person. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know how you feel. Keep coming, keep working on you and this program eventually settles into your soul and becomes part of your daily life.
I was wondering if you are harboring any resentments that you are denying. Sometimes when we do this, it often rears it's ugly head when we least expect it.
Also if he's been drinking since you blew, don't blame you for it. See A's look for any, any reason to justify their drinking. I was once told, quite simply, I am just not that powerful to make someone drink because if I was, I would be able to make them stop.
Finally, I learned that sometimes the best way to make an amends is to not repeat the same behavior. I'm sorry definitely helps, but if we keep doing the same thing over and over again, the words become meaningless. Take the time now to consider "what can I do the next time I sense that I am going to blow." Take a walk, go into my bedroom and scream into a pillow, call a friend, etc. Make a plan now so that you will be able to put it into action when the time comes.
In the meantime, be gentle with you. You do the footwork and leave the rest up to your HP.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
claudia, you have the knowledge and tools. Most the time you use them.Heck I can use a hammer as well as the best, but I still screw up and hit my thumb!
Everyone goofs, everyone. For me it is refreshing to hear some one say, dang I blew it again, then go on again. that is real.
as I giggle here I must add, my cute first husband, blond curly hair, southern boy....he was faceing a door jam,using the hammer to tap the door frame to get it straight, bopped himself right in the nose!!!
gets worse, he is rushed to the hospital, a lady handed him a diaper.....he had ripped his pants falling off the ladder and had no undies on!!!!!
I miss that nut.
the point is you are still strong, wise, beautiful, and a good alanoner even when ya blow it!!
if he brings it up when you are focusing on him or whatever, just say we are talking about YOU now. refuse to allow it to be brought up.
I have slipped so many times in my recovery, it's a good thing I have lots of padding back there! It's how we grow and learn. Remember we didn't get this way overnight. Our recovery is gonna take some time. But the beauty of our recovery is that we can restart it at any moment we choose. The 
always comes out and so does our recovery. I like the fact that you apologized to your daughter and hubby. It shows compassion and self awareness. All good things. Be gentle with yourself sweet Claudia. You're a good person. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
