The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yeah but.... A HUGE part of our program is to learn to be kinder to ourselves. My favourite reminder is "I did the best I could with what I knew at the time".
If you are more recovered today than yesterday, then you're on the right track.... It also helps sometimes to look at it from a slightly longer viewpoint.... as in... think of where you were in your knowledge/recovery last year, or five years ago... and compare with today....
I think you'll find that you've come a long way, and you are WAY better off than you once were, in terms of your ability and willingness to deal with situations....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
(((((((((Heart))))))))))), Be gentle with yourself there. Remember progress, not perfection. We are human, we are going to have slips. The important thing is to stand back up and keep moving forward.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
yeah, I know the feeling HB, I slipped big time recently and I just wanted to crawl into bed for the rest of my life, too...this disease sucks BIG TIME. and we work so hard, I know we do and then there it is again. And its OK to drop out and spend a day or two in bed (in my book). But then the day after that, its time to step out and get back on track. Take care my friend, you are not alone- lots of us hate this!!!! Hugs, J.
I haven't read any of the replies yet. I just wanted to share a bit of my story with you. My mother has given me money over the years. That is an understatement. I shared this at a meeting 3 weeks ago also.
I have asked my mother for money with the prayer in my head for her to say no. I liken it to an addiction. I have needed this money, it was to keep a roof over the kids head, to feed them, to get the lights turned back on, to buy toothpaste. Ligitimate things. And I work, I am not sitting around eating bon bons. For whatever reason she has almost always said yes. She says yes and then abuses me. Because of this sick cycle, we have no relationship. Our only relationship is based on money.
So many, many times I have wanted her to say no to me and offer me love, support, advice insted. But she is incapable of that. That is her pattern. She is very verbally, emotionally, finacially abusive and she always has been. I never learned how to take care of myself. She encouraged me to depend on her finacially always. Like I said, it is sick. But I have never felt strong enough, or confident enough, or something enough to not ask her.
I see now my part in this cycle. I see what I can do to end it. I have taken steps to end it. But ending it means most likely ending the relationship with my mother. Same fear that kept me hooked into the A.
I don't know if this helps you at all, I don't know if your daughter really wants something different than money. But this is my experience. I know that when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, we change. My mother would always say "well, what if I didn't/couldn't give you the money?" and before I was in program I would play on that and say " well, I guess the kids and I will just be homeless and hungry and we will have to move into the ghetto and God only knows what will happen to my beautiful girls in the inner city...." and after program " well, I guess that would be for me to figure out."
With her there is no expectation of repayment, never has been so she takes it out of my soul and I allow it. She's mad and I am guilty. Like I said, that is changing because I am changing.
Much love to you ((((((((Heartbroken)))))) I know what a hard situation it is. But if you don't have it, you don't have it. I know my mother never had to pay me to love her, I loved her.
No I am angry at ME. I know she is manipulating me, she is quite a bully, very aggressive and it all boils down to the fact that her AF rejected her time and time again, and then when the marriage broke down because of his violence he began the emotional blackmail of if you leave me I will commit suicide and she stuck to him because she was so afraid and blamed me for the break up of the marriage and for "leaving her" (she was 15) but she voted with her feet as the judge said and I could not make her come live with me. As a result she accused me of abandonment and has done ever since. Within six months, two weeks after her 16th birthday (when he no longer received child benefit for her) he threw her out and she came to be with me. But the damage was done and she went down hill, became abusive and aggressive to me and put me in hospital and moved out and I lost sight of her for six months and found her in a drug habit.
What a mess this disease is. She holds the key to me seeing and being with my grandchildren now and if I don't take what she dishes out I DON'T SEE THEM. They miss me but are too far away to visit (250-280miles) and too young under 15 years old to come to me. So that is the ACE up her sleeve for manipulation.
I don't want to be a bad Grandmother as well as a failed daughter, sister, wife, mother, and GRANDMOTHER TOO.
That is why I find it hard. I have said NO, I have stood up for myself I have taken abuse and stood my ground but the more she enforces no contact the harder it is for me to say NO to her.
I love her, she knows it, she just wants to keep punishing me for the break up of the family, and what she sees as my fault. I am her whipping boy, though I do so try to step out of that role.
I never hold it over her, I never expect it back, but I do go short and I do try to think it all through but I seem always to end up in a position where I cannot so NO.
Like Jerry said, I have to learn to do this for my own sanity, whatever the outcome.
I love her so much, she was my darling baby girl that I so adored and loved and nurtured all the while. I was both mother and father when her father was away - and that was most of the time - he was in the forces and at sea more than at home - and I still love her, adore her. I love her unconditionally, and she knows that too, though her actions do not speak of this. I am not sure she loves me, she seems to hate me more than love me. She cuts me off, and tells me that she does not need anyone and everyone has reacted because she no longer needs anyone. Hm - so why ring me to oay the school bill. She is in denial of such a lot. I ache for her.
So very very sad. Heartbroken again.
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 05:49, 2008-02-16
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I just feel so in touch with your situation, HB. My story is a bit different, but the money thing comes into play pretty often. Since my son's divorce, and because he doesn't make a lot of money, his father and I have subsizided lots of necessities for him (car insurance, rents, deposits, medical expense, credit card payments, food) just to keep him OK. Of course, he finds money to pay for his own little habits (beer, etc.) We are now at our wits end with him since he refuses to help himself or take any advice from anyone about getting himself OVER his failed marriage. It has been TWO years. The relationship with EX is just horrible with her living with another, threatening him with restraining orders if he dares be seen in the neighborhood, taking his job (and she might be able to as it is a politically charged situation), changing her phone # so he cannot call her except at work and then it had better darn well be an emergency. With all that, she also holds us, his parents, hostage with the grandchild. So I know the pain you are feeling. He can visit his child only with us present (we never formally agreed to this..it just happened) and he now refuses to come to our home because of living near the EX and seeing the other guy there AND he is not to be seen by her or else. Is this all nuts!! He is going to have to eventually take some kind of legal action to see his child, but right now, he hasn't the money nor the health of mind to consider it. He is scared to death of this woman and rightfully so. I am scared of her, too.I think our relationship with adult children can be so awful. You know it is really out of your control yet they come to you as always.
With all that information no one probably needed !!!!!.......we are about ready to tighten our emotional belts to the last notch, stop contact with him voluntarily, stop contact with her as we already have (she calls us), and get healthy enough to sell this home and move somewhere out of physical reach. It is just too damaging to our health. I read that in your posts as well, HB. Your health is all you have to base a life upon. Once that starts to break, as ours has, everything just heads into the negative side. Take care of yourself. Do not punish yourself for what this daughter is doing. NO amount of money given will settle the debt she is carrying. We can only hope that time will heal the wounds. You are in my thoughts and gentle prayers.
Please forgive yourself HB we went through a similar blackmail thing in our family. Over and over my dad would force us to go buy him booze. If we didn't he would drive himself and he only had a license a couple years out of the last 20. Every time he lost his license he was without work and the fines and court costs would bury us deeper and deeper and the courts would punish us for his transgression.
So we got him booze on occasion. My mother, even today at 79 still works an Alanon program but will not return to the meetings because of her shame at not being able to ever quit being an enabler. I somehow grasped I was hurting him but/because I was not bearing the burden my mother was. It was easier for me to quit doing it but that left even more of a burden on her.
For me, on these repetitive type problems I measure success differently than some people. I do not demand perfection of myself over things I am powerless over but instead seek progress. Never enabling again would be too much for me to imagine and would crush me.
How do I measure progress? Well one way is by looking at the frequency of my slips and outbursts. They are much further apart than they used to be and there intensity is much less. My old slip is rage, raging every other day is better than every day and a smart remark slipping out once a month is better than an explosion every other day. And so it goes...progress.
I think six months between a persistent problem is real good. Give yourself permission to stand back up, dust off your knees and walk once more, remember the person with the drug or alcohol problem is on a constant progression. This is not something we talk about in Alanon but In the face of an ever strengthening adversary, just holding our ground for another 6 months would mark progress on your part. How do we do that? Well it starts with the first Day and goes one day at a time. :)
