The material presented
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I NEED HELP...GOD PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH.I AM SO BURDEN DOWN; I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.I AM ENGAGED TO AN A.I HAVE ATTEMPTED TO BREAK UP WITH HIM ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION BUT I KEEP TAKING HIM BACK (LIKE AN IDIOT).NO ONE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND WHY IM WITH HIM BECAUSE OF ALL THE BS HE PUTS ME THROUGH.NOT ONLY IS AN A, HE HAS HEP C, WITH CIRORRIS OF THE LIVER AND HE WONT STOP DRINKING.HE EVEN TOLD MEHE WILL NEVER STOP DRINKING.BY BFA BEHAVIOR HAS PROGESSIVELY GOTTEN WORSE OVER THE YEARS (THIS IS THE REASON WHY I WONT MARRY HIM).HE HAS BECOME DISREPTUFL.IT HAS GOTTEN TO THE POINT THAT HE HAS CURSED ME OUT AND DISRECTED ME IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS,
HE WONT WORK, BLAH BLAH BUT OF COURSE EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT.NOW AFTER HE GOES OFF DUE TO THE DRINKING THE NEXT MORNING HE WILL TALK TO ME AS IF NOTHING HAS NEVER HAPPEN.WHEN HES SOBERHE SO SWEET, KIND AND CONSIDERATE (THATS THE PERSON THAT I LOVE) BUT WHEN THIS BEAST OR MONSTER TAKES OVER HE IS LIKE THE DEVIL IN DISGUIST.WHICH HURTS ME DEARLY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE FOR HIM AND HAVE SACRIFICE FOR HIM AND I AM THE ONE WHO HE DISRESPECTS.
I DONT UNDERSTANDWHY DO I KEEP TAKING HIM BACK???I GUESS ITS BECAUSE I LOVE HIM AND I REALLY DONT WANT ANYONE ELSE TO HAVE HIM BUT ITS GETTING TO POINT OFWHO CARES.PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONEIM BEGGING LET ME GO!HE IS A MASTER MANTIPULATER.FOR THOSE WHO DONT KNOW HIM THEY WOULD THINK THIS MAN IS THE NICEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.I NEED HELP.I DONT SEE MYSELF PROSPERTY WITH HIM BECAUSE HES NOT GOING TO STOP DRINKING AND HE CANT HOLD NOW A JOB BECAUSE OF THE A. NOW HE SAYING HE GOT HURT ON THE JOB AND HES TRYING TO GET PAID.THIS IS TERRIBLE, HE ALSO STATED THAT HES NOT GOING TO TAKE HIS HEP C SHOTS WHEN HE STARTS TREATMENTHE JUST WANTS A CHECK., HE SAID HE WILL DO THE FIRST SHOT ONLY BECAUSE THE DOCTOR HAS TO DO IT BUT OTHER THAN THAT HES NOT DOING SHIT.HE CALLS ME ALL KIND OF NAMES, THEN OF COURSE HE WILL DENIAL IT.
ALSO, HE BREAKS OUT WITH THESE BUMPS ON HIS BACK. I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS...IT'S LOOKS LIKE RED PIMPLES, AND HE STARTS SCATCHING LIKE CRAZY.
ALSO, I KNOW IF REALLY WANT TO RID MYSELF OF HIM I WILL HAVE TO STOP ALL COMMUNICATION WITH HIM AND HIS FAMILY BECAUSE THE BAD IS OUT WEIGHTING THE GOOD AND I CANNOT KEEP TAKING THIS. I HAVE TOO MUCH TOO LOSE!
I HAVE GOTTEN TO THE POINT THAT IM CURSING AND SAYING THINGS THAT I HAVE NEVER SAID BEFORE TO HIM BECAUSE HES DRIVING ME CRAZY.ANY FEEDBACK WILL GREATLY APPRECIATED. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO SAY THANK GOD I FOUNDED THIS WEBSITE...I WISH I WOULD HAVE FOUNDED THIS A FEW YEARS BACK.
Honey please go to a alanon meeting, keep coming back here, read Melody Beatties books and don't marry him!!! Read what we all post, the pain we've been in from being married to alcoholics and how we could not change them no matter how much we loved them. You have got to take care of yourself, love yourself and respect yourself. Please go to a meeting and keep coming back here. You are not alone.
THANK YOU FOR RESPONDING! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I'M EVEN IN THIS SITUATION BUT I AM. I THOUGHT ABOUT ATTENDING A MEETING BUT I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WOULD GET RID OF HIM BUT FOR THIS HAS DRAINED ME.
Welcome, you have found friends here who understand and have been there. I also encourage you to come here often, attend online & face to face meetings. Whether you continue the relationship with him or not - "you" still need help for yourself. Your life has been affected dramatically by this disease and you now need to learn how to undo the damage caused to you. It is a family disease - and for as out of control and unmanagable his life is - yours is as well.
It is o.k. to love the alcoholics in our lives - they are deserving of love just like anyone else. However, we must learn not to take what they say personally - it is the disease talking. An alcoholic will say whatever to make someone else look or feel worse than he does - then he is sorry for it - drinks to hide their pain etc. It is a vicious cycle that can be broken - but it starts with you. You cannot fix him - because you didnt cause it, you cant control it and you certainly cannot cure it. Our suggestion is that you do not make any hasty decisions until you have been in program for at least 6 months - unless of course there is risk of violence and or injury.
You have done a courageous thing in reaching out here. It takes a lot to admit we need help - and I can assure you that you have come to the right place. May you find the peace here like so many of us have.
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
THANKS ALAMOM! I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TAKE IT ANOTHER SIX MONTHS! THIS MAN, DOES NOT WORK, HAS HEP C, CIRRHOSIS OF THE LIVER AND IS DISRESPECTFUL. YOU KNOW I HEAR PEOPLE SAY IT'S THE ALCOHOL TALKING BUT TO ME...THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE HIS BEHAVIOR. IM JUST SO TIRE OF HIM...I HAVE TRY TO HELP HIM BUT HE HAS TO WANT TO HELP HIMSELF AND I HAVE SACRIFICE SO MUCH FOR HIM AND I'M ONE WHO HE DISREPECTS AND THIS MAN HAS EVEN STOLEN MONEY FROM ME AS WELL TO FEED HIS ADDICTION.
I DON'T KNOW...I MEAN HE'S NOT EVEN INTERESTED IN REHAB. HE WENT TO AA CLASSES YEARS AGO, AND AS SOON AS HE LEFT THE MEETING HE WENT AND GOT A DRINK BUT LIKE I SAID, WHEN HE DOES NOT DRINK, HE IS QUIET, SWEET AND CONSIDERATE BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE DRINKS MORE THAN HES SOBER. :(
It seems pretty clear he is not going to change and is on a path of self destruction. I also hear you saying you pretty much know not to marry him and are wondering why you keep taking him back. There is a saying in Alanon: "Nothing changes if nothing changes"
I think Alanon will help you make those changes and answer your questions. It will also help you to do whatever you need to do and understand why and be secure in your decisions.
Call 1-866-4alanon for meeting places and times near you. There are also scheduled meetings here in the chatroom. Alanon offers help, it is up to you to accept it.
Good Luck Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome Dand, sure can feel your pain and frustration.
As far as loving them, of course you do. Your A is a person you care for who is terribly sick.
No different than if he had any other disease,you will get tired and wore out from it too! My AH had a brain tumor removed and omg I was tired.
Detaching from the disease can make a difference for you.Is not easy but can be done and it works.
For me,I kept focusing on him as the man I loved,his illness I learned not to respond to or pay attention to.
When the disease said things that were abusive/direspectful, I left the room,hung up the phone or left the house.
got to where I said,I know who you are, and went on my way.
Never responding to any of it.As those actions are just symptoms of the disease Dands.No different than a person with a cold coughing or sneezing.
When he was ok we were able to watch tv, talk some,really pretty much quiet. I mean when he used. The clean time was not much anymore,but I,like most of us,made the most of it,enjoyed him.
Remembering all the while he had a horrible disease, and I loved him.
This does not come easy. Takes time in Alanon, and practicing the skills we get from it.Face to face meetings are great.If you can only come here, that is great too.
There is LOTS of literature out there that will help you too. The face to face meetings also have pamphlets that are so helpful.
If you feel you need it, a sponsor from Alanon is very helpful.
Others will not understand what makes you love him. In time you will know what to say to them.
It teaches them to understand. I say, he is very sick, he never chose to be an A. The disease makes it so they cannot just decide one day to quit. That is rare.
Many times, they have to get soooo sick, lose everything, go to jail etc to feel bad enough to go to AA. Sometimes they go thru all this and keep using.
An A can kill someone driving drunk. The next day,drink again. Lose their whole family, be thrown out and drink again. That is how powerful the disease is.
Dand you are very special, through all this to have the capacity to love your A.
Remember the disease does not love you or anyone. It is out for itself.
When he is sober,believe him. He means it.
Even if you have to tell him he has to go away, that is ok. The disease is very powerful, we have no control over it.We cannot sacrifice our life for their disease.
We have to make sure we are ok, our homes, job, vehicles, family too. It will help them for us to take care of ourselves. They feel so much guilt that the better we are the less guilt they have to feel.
The crap the disease spews out,means nothing. Think of it like he has a high fever and is yelling out dumb stuff. Not worth any energy.
I know it hurts. In time we will get used to ignoring, or whatever, or we will leave them.
It is ok to leave them too. It is hard to get away from most of them as they beg to come back.
Also I will tell you, it is NOT your fault if they do something drastic if you have them leave. That is the disease, could have happened anyway.
Rashes and or skin disorders are from something wrong inside. With the liver so compromised, poisons are not cleaned from the blood so they go all through the body.
Even their brains will be poisoned. My own mother who was a health nut,breast cancer got her and metastisized into her liver. She was always a gentle fun woman.When the liver started failing I saw her turn into someone else. Was VERY hard.
So your A can say things that have nothing to do with you, and actually many times they are talking about themselves.
I know when my A said he did not care... it meant he cared very much. The disease was trying to convince itself.
I always thought of him as being stuck in his body and the disease was controlling him.
I know this is long. However, I see a very passionate person in you.I wanted to share my experience.
This MIP home is a godsend to many. I have been coming here since 2000. I started in the chat room back then. Then started coming here.
If you want a real time boost or support, the chat room is great. Just make sure a mod is in there. you can always pm me to go into the room if things need a mod. You can also pm people here and get a more one to one feel.
The chat room also has a way that you can pm with someone one to one in real time. It helps in emergencys if you want/need guidance.
I had one gal who would do that with me while he raged behind her.
anyway welcome, we need you too. It helps us to share, we need support too!! Recovery is constant for us and the A.
((((Debilyn))). Thank so much...I felt your response. Like other individuals going through the same thing, I never felt that I would ever be going through something like this and people always say...Why are you with him? You have so much going for yourself, yada,yada, yada. Honesty, I love him when he's sober...he is so nice but like I mentioned earlier when he drinks he transforms immediately.
I just don't know how more I can bear...I am trying but he said he likes drinking and he will always drink.
I will start attending some of the chats and thank you once again for your response...it was really heartfelt :)
