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Soon to be ex AH has always had some anger issues, not with us his family but with drivers on the road, store clerks etc...not much patience. I had to stop all contact with him over a month ago for my serenity and am filing for divorce this week. I know he was picked up in a bar a month ago by a police officer, who we happen to know, for getting in a fight. I wish he would have arrested him but he didn't. Another friend saw him yelling in a bank recently at some poor teller and last night he had dinner with our 16 year old son who said he almost got in 3 fights and was yelling in the restaurant because his food wasn't right. I know he was seeing a mental health counselor. Do I let this go as I have the alcoholism. Do I apply the same principles and detach? i believe I do but I see him spinning out of control and am worried about the safety of others when the alcohol is part of the puzzle.
For me, I can't just detach from 'portions' of the A in my life (my oldest daughter). I used to have a big problem with putting my life into 'compartments', I would work the program in some areas, others I wouldn't.
That didn't work very well for me! A portion of the 12th step reads "and practice these principles in all of our affairs."
My oldest daughter has had tremendous anger management issues for as long as I can remember, even before the alcohol.
I can't protect the world from the insanity of the alcoholic.
Instead, I detach and continue to work on my own program of recovery.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Your A sounds extremely volitile and may escalate. You cannot protect the rest of the world, but you can limit your own contact as you or the children could be at risk if his behavior continues to escalate. For me when my A's behavior escalated (different behavior, but same scenario) I limited our contact with him and never let him have the kids by himself. I also made sure to have lots of talks with my older son (7 yrs) about who is responsible for his behavior and what is acceptable and what is not. We talked a lot about Aism as a disease and how Dad could get better when he was ready. Other than that I just let go and the consequences eventually catch up to them.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Anger is a HUGE factor in my AH. Its part of the reason I had to leave him. There is nothing we can do! It is the most loving thing to let them hit their bottom and deal with the consequences of their behaviors. We do not know what is best for them, only god knows. I had to completely step back from my AH. I do not know if we will remain married or not. We are far apart and completely uninvolved in each others life right now. OUr program encourages us to keep the focus on ourselves and pass whatever we cannot handle to HP. This is what I aim to do at all times. Sometimes I am able to remain pretty successful in doing this and sometimes I slip but one day at a time works pretty good for me right now. Hugs, J.
I use the hoola-hoop theory. I place myself inside a hoola hoop and if someone's behavior is inside of my hoola-hoop and affecting me, I enforce my boundaries with them.
If their behavior is outside of the hoola-hoop then I completely detach and allow them the dignity of making their own mistakes.
My one thought however is how it is affecting your son, not only from an embarassment standpoint but also from his father being an example of how grown men act. Just something to think about.
Keep coming and posting, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
