The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hubby has been pestering me to death to talk, after almost 3 years of not. I don't know how to act, how to handle this revelation. Truth is, I am confused, scared, etc. I left him a 2 page scribbled note on the kitchen table on the way to work yesterday morning. Told him I was confused. How I felt shut down, numb. Unable to respond to his scanty attempts at affection. I told him I had been called so many names, threatened, (with bodily harm, with being locked out of my home, with destroying my personal items, hurting my cats, shuttting off the internet, not making the house payment....the list just goes on and on.) I reminded him that he had wished terrible things on my little 2 month old grandbabygirl, before she was even born. I think he was shocked. I got home, he looked like he had been crying, something I have hardly seen him do. He asked how much time and space (which I asked for in the letter.) I told him I didn't know, but I just wanted to be able to live with him for a while without being tormented, abused, etc. He looked very sorry, which is something he never does, either. He said he wouldn't do that stuff anymore, or say those things, and for me to not pay any attention to him if he does.....aaaggghh. I told him I didn't think he could help what he says, in his current state of mind, which is almost always being drunk. The conversation ended ok, without yelling and cussing as he normally does when drinking. The problem is, I still care about him, I just don't know if I love him anymore, and if I can get my feelings back. It took me years to get to the point of not caring, not going into almost suicidal depressions over his rages. To be able to go out with friends, to have a life, to feel happy, even, sometimes. To want to live again. I tried to pick out a "neutral" valentine's card for him tonight, that was hard to find! I felt like a liar with the ones with all the mushy stuff, cos that is definately not where we are right now in our relationship. He did say he loved me, and loved our granddaughter, and that he thought she was a beautiful little girl, and never wanted to do anything to hurt her. (Not that I would ever let him have a chance to, drinking or not!) I am just empty, I just want to get along with him, I don't want promises. I want to be able to come and go as I please, the way he has done for over 3 years now. I am just wondering....where did our love go???? Can we ever find it again? What exactly is it that I DO want. I honestly do not know. I told him I am exhausted from living this life of upheaval all the time. He did, for the first time, look shocked at how I was talking to him, just straight up, no crying or begging. Maybe I am shaking him up a little with my come-what-may attitude. I don't know. Guess I'll keep on taking it one day at a time. Whew. This living is hard WORK! Love in Recovery, Becky1
It is all the same and all different. My AHsober who moved out 3 years ago treats me horribly. Nevr loved, don't want to be around you, you're crazy, you're clingy, divorce, divorce, divorce. I have nothing to gain from a divorce. A loss of financial support, loss of help, a companion. But it is not a loss to him. But I miss him. I miss the good old days however few and far between.
I think it is amazing and sounds like maybe your detaching has shaken him up a little. He isn't used to you having fun without him and not really "reacting" to his behaviors!! I remember when that happened with my AH (now sober 1 + Years) and it was really amazing that he was shaken up.
BUT the main thing is that you are taking real care of yourself. I don't think it is that you don't love him, you are just really detaching now! You will not be affected any longer by his abusive behavior. Doesn't it feel so great to stand up for yourself!!! I think this is a wonderful program to teach us all to feel better about ourselves and finally see what treatment we deserve out of life!
After my AH got sober, I was just so sick of everything too I didn't think I loved him anymore. I was absolutely spent. I had been cheated on, lied to, just had enough after pining away for him and thinking I would DIE without him. Well, through this board and this program, I changed! Even though he was sober, I was worried that I had lost respect and love for him totally. It was too late.
Well, time has gone by, and I am having fun again with him. I know that if he drinks again, it will just not work with me. He is a different person while drinking and a horrible one. It is like living with a person that is dying. I can't deal with that any longer, as much as it may hurt to split from him.
Things may get better with your relationship, but it sounds like right now you need to keep doing what you are doing, just worry about you. Your newfound self confidence may just prompt him into getting some help. Either way, YOU have to be happy with yourself, right? You deserve some peace and nice people in your life.
