The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 72 day sober AH relapsed. I found beer cans hidden in the garbage (by accident-I dropped my keys in there and was digging them out.) And then I saw the 12 pack box in the outside garbage. I kind of felt he may have been drinking because he came to bed really late the last 2 nights which is unusual.
Do I say anything? I don't know what to do right now.
Destynee - the road to recovery can be very treacherous. Very few can put down the alcohol and never again retrieve it. I don't think it's our job (or in our best interest) to "keep tabs" on our spouse's program. The best you can do is set your own boundaries and be firm with them. In other words, it's not fair to say to him, "You can never drink again.". But it is perfectly fair to say, "I'm not willing to be in your life if you drink." And you may not be ready to say that. I don't know.
Living in denial is an art that I perfected when I was with my A. It just became "easier" for me to pretend that I didn't know when those slips occurred. I didn't want to have to address them. I didn't want the argument, I didn't want to be lied to, I didn't want to have to go through that whole dance. The reality is, that kept us both sick so much longer. The last time that my A slipped (when we were together), he was living 10,000 miles away from me. We spoke on the phone and I knew it immediately and asked him if he had had something to drink. He denied it. WHATEVER!!!! In reality he had slipped. And it was a bad one. It would have been very easy to simply pretend that I didn't know and we could have played at having an honest relationship a little while longer. But I could no longer accept that. So I brought it to a head.
All of us here love or have loved an alcoholic. We understand the frustration of living with the disease. Through this program, we are learning that the very best we can do is take care of ourselves. We can't control or cure their alcoholism. No matter what we do. But we can continue to live our own lives and find ways to be happy whether our A is in true recovery or not.
If you haven't already, I do hope you find face to face alanon meetings. There is also so much literature available that will enlighten you.
What were you doing before you found the beer cans? Was it working for you? If it was do you have a reason not to continue it? We're you going to meetings, reading literature, talking to others who have been where you're at and know how to do better in spite of the problem?
What do I do now is a great question for this board and Miracles in Progress cause you can get lots of other peoples experiences and suggestions that may or maynot work. Not all of it works but if it is different that what you do then maybe the difference will be better than the usual. What do I do now is like asking the question, "What choices do I have."
It's great to ask others because then the choice list grows larger than your own and you get to pick and choose from a wide variety of choices. I like to do things backward!!LOL I ask myself what consequence do I want first and then what do I have to do to get that consequence. This way I have to take lots of time making the decision rather than what I use to do...REACT. Reacting never works for me and I become a part of a wider problem rather than solution. I've learned here to aim for being a part of the solution rather than the problem.
One of the things I learned in Al-Anon is hold no secrets!! I let my mouth, mind, emotions and body language say I know and I know that you know. I learned how not to discuss it...I just know. I learned that I would be blamed at some point or made the justification for the drinking and I also learned that I could refuse ownership and participation without a fight. I don't discuss efforts to make me the scapegoat. I just don't and I just don't nicely without power. Another thing I learned was to honestly and nicely (quietly and respectfully) mentioned what I was going to do (or actually doing) about how it was affecting me. I had to learn that she might have a reaction to that and not to REACT over that one either.
So what do I do now isn't just a black and white reactive solution like leave, divorce, run away, yell and scream, blame and shame or what seems like the most appropriate. First thing might be from the slogans, "Don't react"..."Think"..."Easy does it"..."Let go and Let God"..."When in doubt don't" or what seems workable for you.
Keeping coming back for more suggestions and experience, strength and hope. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome to the MIP family. I am so sorry that your A relapsed. Unfortunately that's a part of their recovery. My AH calls himself a chronic relapser. The worst you can do is to tell him not to do it. After all an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you do about it.
I have found that the more I work my program, the better I have handled the relapses. I have also found that he will tell me about them when he's ready. Of course I can always tell even if he doesn't tell me. I understand those feelings of anger and frustration. There have been times when I've wanted to scream at him! But I realize I am angry at his disease, not him. That's when I have turn the tables and refocus on me. I'll go for a walk or read my meditations, etc. Anything that will calm me down. After all, what's the point of picking a fight with someone who's been drinking? They don't remember it anyway.
Remember: your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life, and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong.
Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Sorry he relapsed. It hurts to have your hopes dashed over and over. Like everyone else, I know. Our serenity and expectations walk in lockstep. Expect an alcoholic to relapse, Its the normal part of the disease. even a daily reprieve is something to be grateful for with this terrible disease.
Ask him to take out the garbage but tell him to be careful cause it smells really bad.
I'm only half joking. An alcoholic should clean up his own messes imho. If you want to practice courtesy and consideration and understanding, you might offer him a pair of gloves. I see no reason to confront someone over and over again. For me it gets harder and harder for me to do it and respect myself. If something is said once, it has been said enough. Silence makes it grow louder because the ears open up. Repetition and volume deaden the ear. It works the same way with the mind.
I am so sorry that your A relapsed. Unfortunately that's a part of their recovery. My AH calls himself a chronic relapser. The worst you can do is to tell him not to do it. After all an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you do about it.
That's when I have turn the tables and refocus on me. I'll go for a walk or read my meditations, etc. Anything that will calm me down. After all, what's the point of picking a fight with someone who's been drinking? They don't remember it anyway. 