The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Friday, after almost 2 months of non-communicating, except to tell me he wants a divorce and hates me, my AH sends me a text that says "I love You" Big whoop-d-doo! I am numb. I am beyond tired of dealing with his crap. It took me a long, long time to get to this point. So, I just didn't answer him. I got home from work, he was acting mad, I guess I was supposed to jump for joy or something over his text. I never mentioned it, he got angry acting, got in his truck and left. Stayed gone all night. I used to drive around, call around trying to find out where he was and what he was doing. Haven't done that in a long, long time. I think he likes seeing me miserable and crying. Well, too bad. I stopped. Sent me a text at 11pm Fri. that said "I think we are done." Hmmmm, where have I heard that before......???? Sat. I spent the day, and a lot of $$$ at Babies R Us with grandbaby girl, 2 months old.
Sat. night, around 8 he still wasn't home, so I made plans to go out. My guy friend was there with a friend of his, so we sat together. Some other people sat with us too.
I had a good time, danced my butt off with some Cowboy guy who is young enough to be my son, but we had a good time. He really IS a bull rider, and can really move. It was fun. We got really silly. In the wee hours, they always have someone selling roses and the Cowboy guy bought me one and had it sent to the table. OMG!
My guy friend kept asking me who got it for me, I kept telling him I bought it for myself. I was kind of embarassed. The Cowboy just did it to make this other girl who really likes him (and who is his age group) jealous. I ended up giving her the rose, and telling my guy friend that Cowboy bought it for me. He started cracking up. It was kinda funny. But, Cowboy thanked me for dancing with him and kissed me on top of my head when he left. He is fun to hang with, but Waaayyy too young, and waaaayyyy to much into being single and free, if you know what I mean.
Afterward, my guy friend had left early, so I went next door and had coffee with his buddy. It was safe, the restaurant is right attached to the club, and everyone goes there after the band stops, so I wasn't ALONE with this man. I guess my guy friend had told him all about me and my AH. So, I am sitting there getting counseled by this man I never even met. He told me to just step back from my AH. Hah! That is what I have been doing. I ended up sitting with some women that this guy introduced me to. He had to leave, had an hour drive home.
So, I got home at about 3:30 am. Hubby is home, wanting to know where I was, told him never mind. Got a voice mail from him on my phone last night at 10:30, when I didn't hear until this morning....said "I'm Home. I tried to hug you the other day, but you didn't hug me back. I want us like we used to be. I miss you." Blah, blah, blah. I hope it isn't too late, but I know my feelings sure have changed. My guy friend, JT, is responsible for that.
He opened my eyes, something no one else has been able to do. Reminded me that I am fun, pretty, and I can be hot when I want to....LOL. Reminded me that I have a life too. Reminded me that I am not getting any younger, he is a couple of years older than I am. Reminded me that I am worth a lot more than AH would have me to believe. Reminded me that I am a good person, a good friend. And in spite of me going out dancing with other people (ok, men) I am not a slut, whore, etc. Whatever words my AH tells me. I am not that at all. I just got too lonely sitting around waiting for AH to love me, to notice I was alive. I am not basing my self worth on JT, but he knows me, and reminded me of who I am. I needed that nudge.
We have been running into each other since late Aug., and tho we used to have a "relationship" it was many years ago. The funny thing is, he knows how unhappy I am, and knows I could pretty much just fall into his lap, but he hasn't made any moves towards that direction. Which is a good thing. And I am grateful to him for that, because in my situation, things could possibly get bad really easy. I am aware of that.
That is why I always sit with him when I go out. I am not interested in seeing what other guys are there, like I used to, before AH and I got married. But he (JT) does slow dance with me, holds me close, talks with me, jokes around with me. Gives me kisses, something I miss so much with AH. Tells me I look nice, SMILES at me. Something I haven't had in a long, long time. We don't see each other anymore outside the dancing place, which is also good. I like him a lot, always have. I'm not sure where he lives, what he drives, what his living situation is. He is divorced now, is all I know. But he is a sweet guy. Is it cheating? Maybe. AH wouldn't be happy about it at all. But you know what? He isn't happy about anything anymore. And I have tried for a few years now for him to return my kisses, my hugs. To be intimate. And he won't, except for the occasional "OK, NOW I want to behave like a husband should." And that lasts a couple of days at the most. And I feel like I am cheated on every time he puts that beer can to his lips. He caresses the can like he would a lover. Reminds me of that Billy Joel song "Piano Man." "There's an old man, sitting next to me, making love to his tonic and gin." I always thought that was a strange comparison...making love to a drink??? But it is true! And I will always be grateful that he was put in my path, to open my eyes. HP must have been getting pretty desperate to get my attention. Going to get baby granddaughter again today....am going to take Valentine pictures, I have the props ready....rose petals (fake) and a big heart shaped box of chocolates. I can't wait to see her again, and I just saw her yesterday. She is so cute, and everyone says she looks like me.....LOL. Guess that means I have big round eyes, very little hair, fat round cheeks, a double chin, and no eyebrows.....LOL. Well, the no eyebrows part is true. Very tiny eyebrows run in my family....my daughter got hers tattooed on! LOL. Really she did! Have a good week. I'm going to, no matter what. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Now I am gonna cut right to the chase and address your last couple of sentences...
A few years ago, I was discussing with some friends the possibility of getting my eyeliner and eyebrows tatooed on. I really wanted to do it, but said to the gals, "I hesitate only because I wonder how it will all look when I am 90." A gal at a table next to us, whom I did not know piped up and said, "A hell of a lot better than you trying to do it yourself at 90!" We all got a great laugh at that, and the next day I made the appointment. Found the thing on sale as a package deal. I LOVE it! I look the same all the time. A little mascara and lipstick and I am good to go. I'd like to have my lips done, but that's for another time.
Go for it!!
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
LOL Diva!!! I thought you were going to let Becky have it!
Becky, I remember the first time I left and I re-connected with an old love, my first love actually. He reminded me of who I was. It was such an awsome experience. I reconnected with old friends whom I wasn't "allowed" to have contact with when I was with AH. It was so uplifting and really opened my eyes to just how sick I had become living with AH and his rules and abuses. I did go back to AH but it was never the same because I remembered who I was and what I deserved which was tons more than AH could ever give me. We are divorced today and it hurts. I realized that I am not who I was. I never will be again, no matter how much my old friends love me and remind me. I have been forever changed and there is no going back. But that's ok, I am going forward. I am learning who I am today. But that time period in my life when my past reached out and kissed me was a real turning point. You have a good time, girl! We only go around once!!!
My ESH is that the first thing I want to do when I am in 'trouble" is run out and get a new man. I am not sure I know what anyone sane would look like. I tend to get involved very very quickly.
I did my share of looking outside to be validated. In the end I was still absolutely crushed by the A's behavior. Nothing nothing nothing I did made any difference to his alcoholism.
I think it is great that you can see the A's attempts to manipulate you. I felt a great deal when the A told me he needed me. I no longer do but he could hook me in with that in a minute. He also offered to marry me after 7 years of living together. Thankfully for me I turned him down but I still hung on.
I know what it is to look to put a band aid on feeling absolutely totally destroyed by an A. In the end after a couple of years in this program I learned to give it to God. That helped. I could run around for ever but in the end the pain dissipiated when I turned it over.
