The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I posted earlier, I've been having issues with cutting people off who I have trouble with in my life. Sometimes that may be okay, sometimes I know it just isn't. Sometimes other things are at play and I just need to use the tools of al-anon to deal with it.
Last night is a perfect example. Last night was my premier night of "Comedy Night" with my friends at my house, where I invited all of my friends over to watch DVD's of stand-up comedians (which was quite a success....until the very end). At the very end of the evening, we began having a discussion about a local election here. Hot button issue. A dear friend of mine and I ended up in a discussion/debate/argument. What's interesting is that through the years, we have assumed "roles" in our relationship. She's the fiery, opinionated one - and I'm the pacifist. Well, I'm changing.
Last night when this hot button topic came up and someone asked my opinion, I gave it. My friend jumped on it and told me that I was wrong and proceeded to tell me why. This time, I didn't back down, but kept pace. What proceeded, was a bitter disagreement which ended with her grabbing her purse and walking out of my door.
In my new fashion, I didn't ask her to stay, apologize, beg forgiveness, or even walk her out to her car. Just said, "OK, bye" and closed the door behind her. She sped away. I was very embarassed by this scene. And my other friends were very embarassed for me and little a little mortified. They left soon afterwards. I had a good cry and went to bed. In my mind, I quickly began "writing her off". Done. Out of the circle. Another one bites the dust.
This morning, I got up, went to work to take care of a few things, then treated myself to a movie. When I got out of the movie, I had missed 4 calls. My friend had called four times, with heartfelt apologies. When I got home, I called her and we had a very nice conversation. She felt awful about the turn of events and apologized profusely. I apologized for my part in it; and we mended our friendship.
Why is it that she had to make that call? (And not just one call, but several). Why can't I just be the bigger person and admit my shortcomings? Why must my anger and my sense of "betrayal" always take a front seat these days? It's just not the "me" I recognize at all. And I'm a little uncomfortable about it. Oh, I justified my anger towards her for behaving that way in my home, and in front of my other friends. But what about MY part? Why didn't I just diffuse the situation before it got out of control? And why was my knee-jerk reaction to simply "cut her off"?
I'm doing some serious soul-searching on this. Somewhere between being a door-mat (old me) and being a hard-ass (new me), is the "me" I want to become.
As always - your feedback is welcome - and I sure don't mind being confronted on things. That's one of the reasons I'm here.
I can relate very much. For me its one extreme complete door mat to another. I see any sign of problems and vroom I am out the door. i am sure it is possible to move to another level with this. I actually think it is good that you are boundaried. I also think its good to have a creative exchange of ideas. My former boss who used to totally trounce all over me dumped on me recently and I stood up for myself. She did not know how to take it. I felt less wounded. I also felt like I could simply not stomach another day of her dumping on me.
Melody Beattie in many of her works talks a lot about the swings of recovery. I would not beat myself up if I were you. It sounds to me like you had a very very successful outcome. I think that is phenomenal. When the time came you did apologize that says a lot.
Sometimes a time out helps. I don't think you had an extended time out, it was one day. No need to pulverize yourself over this. Your worked through it that's the key. Do you have to be perfect, not in my book.
R3 I am trying to understand your email. You and your friend had a fight. she took off. she called the next day to apologize. You two had a good talk. What is the problem here?
Are you upset because you think you caused a fight? Are you upset because you let her go off mad? Are you upset that she had to call you to apologize instead of you calling her?
It all turned out good in the end and now maybe instead of her being the loud pushy one and you being the quiet one, you both can just be yourselves? Like maybe she has more respect for you and is aware of your expanded dimensions and capacities?
I am sorry for being thick in the head. I do not see anything wrong with what you did. You were yourself, right? Help me out, J.
It has been my experience that once my behavior changed from not being a doormat anymore, others would throw a temper tantrum, guilt trip, etc. I really wanted to give you a high five for feeling so confident in yourself. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I also got to the point where I didn't like bending over backwards anymore to keep someone in my life.
I think the part that would have bothered me would have been the fact that she called 4 times. I would have felt guilty about that. But you guys worked it out. Sometimes we have to make the first move, sometimes we don't need to.
I have come to a point in my life where I am just letting go of people who hurt me. My father always said that if they hurt you, then ignore them. I didn't follow that in my earlier life. I followed what my mother taught me if they hurt you, turn the other cheek so that they can have a clear crack at hurting you again. And then do all that you can to keep these hurtful people in your life because you will never have anyone better. I surrounded myself with hurtful people. I grew to the point where I didn't like hurtful people anymore. I didn't like the drama. I didn't cut them off, I just slowly let them go. The relationships died a natural death. I'm still here, still have the same number, they are more than welcome to call sometime and I will re-evaluate if I would want them in my life again. Nothing is forever r3. I might come to a point where I reach out to them, who knows. But recently, I am done with many people that I don't want to be but it is the way it is. I need my time to heal away from toxic people. To begin to know myself, and that's ok.
It's not such a bad thing.. Your friend now sees that the "roles" have changed. I think the knee jerk reaction is fairly normal in the heat of the moment. If someone got up and stormed out my door after jumping in to a conversation to tell me I was wrong and argue...well, I'd probably be thinking I'm not sure if I want that type of drama around. Especially if it was a "friend".
Yes, you could have diffused it by saying something like "we're going to have to agree to disagree". But really, she acted a bit immature and you did deserve an apology, IMO. She jumped in to the conversation uninvited, then made a scene by angrily leaving. It made everyone uncomfortable and put a damper on what was to be a fun night.
Just a tip: Don't discuss politics or religion in a group.
You should have heard my Dad when he called and I said I was watching Obama talk after the primary. Good Lord!! He shouldn't have asked what I was doing! lol
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
"Somewhere between being a door-mat (old me) and being a hard-ass (new me), is the "me" I want to become."
I think you have figgured it out from the above statement. Only recently learning to express my anger..... or have a real opinion as "avoidance" of recieving or feeling anger, I often get anxious with these new experiences of disagreement. Anger from my past always meant separation or abandonment so cutting them off would help me avoid someone else leaving me. But like you, I am finding that good friends or family who really care want to resolve the issue or at least understand I am changing or understand if I am over reacting. If they don't then maybe that says something about the friendship/relationship or perhaps I have been out of bounds and need to review my part in it all.
Your experience has a great outcome. I applaud you for sticking to your opinion and for being willing to talk & work your difference of opinion out with your friend. This says something about your friendship - all good. You might have feelings that are uncomfortable from other not so good experiences but this sounds like a success story this time so remember to enjoy the satisfaction of being who you really are and still remaining friends. Just my two cents. hugs,ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Seren, I really like what you wrote about hurtful people. I guess that I kept them close because I thought they knew me better than I knew myself. They were only trying to teach me or were only being hurtful in order to help me. Geez- what a great rationalization that was!! I, too, am learning to just ignore them and then they either go away or...anyway, I focus my time and energy on positive people. The hurtful ones are usually negative, angry, frustrated, mean, etc. in other words pretty messed up. J.
Jean - I think I've been a little frustrated with myself not because I think I caused the fight, but because I let it go on and on (and on) and elevated it. For what? Why? Why didn't I just say, "I'm not going to continue this." And since I did have a part in this situation, why didn't I even CONSIDER picking up the phone to make amends?
I sat with my friend at church this morning and she asked me if I got a surprise yesterday. Told her that I didn't. She apparently sent me a plant with a little note that said "peace treaty" on it. The florist didn't deliver it - so she's checking on it. But the argument seems to have hurt her worse than it hurt me. (that NEVER happens in my life)
Now I'll admit that the fact that someone else was more bothered by an argument than me is kinda new and nice. I like that someone else is doing the wringing of hands and begging forgiveness FOR ONCE!!! But I still think I played a part in this problem.
You are all correct, though. It ended well and I did apologize and that should be a good thing. I just don't want the whole thing to pass without me learning something from it. If nothing else to spot the negativity early on and walk away from it.
Y'all are a great bunch. Thanks for letting me vent and helping me sort through all my "stuff".
