The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One reason I find myself so stressed out is that I can now see fully in technicolor how easiy I fall into the role of victim super martyr. I found myself wanting to go into work early and rescue everyone and be "liked" because I feel like a fish out of water being assertive and focused on my job search. I totally crave being victim super martyr and I know exactly where victim super martyer gets me.
I am at the place where I feel deeply uncomfortable with that role which used to be so comfortable for me.
I gotta agree with you there. I sometimes think about the things I tolerated and it seems absurd to me. I feel like I was completely spineless :) I can't even imagine going back into that role. Even if I ended up with another A which I seriously doubt now because I would run so fast in the other direction at the first sign, I don't think I would be as attached or put up with any crap. I would just get on with my life. Now I know how to do that!
I think for me there was some kind of secondary gain in feeling needed and attached. I do know I have my attenna out these days for certain signs. I don't put up with the same stuff obviously because I do not deal with the A nevertheless I would say my life is far from functional. I sometimes crave to people please. I know how alluring the super victim martyr role can be. I just cannot seem to go for it anymore it seems too painful and I think numbness for me was one huge part of the role.
For me its learned. I was the scapegoat so I learned to self denigrate and give myself away to get anything from my family. I did hte same with the A. In the beginning he didn't demand all of it.
Eventually I slipped into the role of self sacrifice, give myself away I think its a role that I know very well. Now I have to unlearn it and its very painful.
The church didn't post any openings for sainthood!! Isn't it better to use a burning cross or set up a stoning or something like that? How many saints are there that are honored for suffering a "poor me" condition. It's gonna be sooo hard getting your name to the top of the list. We gotta come up with a better plan. Let's see something that might envolve walking around outside of the unemployment office on your knees praying, "It's not about the money. I just want mercy!!" Maybe more drama hmmmm.
