The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
....Is that WE WERE ALL close enough to one another to just jump in our cars , walk or run...and all meet somewhere right now, this very minute! I have been trying and ACTING like I'm so strong since I left my husband, and I don't know why...but lately...these past weeks leading up to the first anniversary of the day I left has been really, really bothering me. I'm sitting here crying reading all these posts. And it makes me so mad that we're all in this sitaution and our A's, (well mine)...he just told me in so many words that he isn't going to change! Not that I haven't heard it before! It's just that DUMB*** just doesn't get it!! I don't want to be where I am!! I want to be with HIM!! He isn't going to EVEN TRY to help us get back together! I want to drive three hours down to where he'a at right now and just scream my frikkin' brains out at him!! I want to scream that I HATE HIM!! And I really deep down inside don't...but...I have to go through each and every single day pretending to everyone around me that I'm ok...and I'm NOT!!! And I'm so afraid I never will be! I love him! I did so many things for him...and now he's letting me know I'm not good enough for him! Nothing I did mattered! EVER....OBVIOUSLY! Now I have to go pick my son up from work...I can't even finish this...I feel like an idiot for writing it...but it's honest to gosh anger at this disease and what it's done to me and him! It's really beginning to get to me. Why now? Why? after a year of being gone away from the madness...am I getting so d*** mad? Because leaving didn't help! If I stayed...it wouldn't have helped! I lost the battle from the very beginning...and I couldn't even see it! I'm sorry...I have to go..maybe I'll feel better later. I love everyone of you for just the simple fact you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! And why!!! I'm so angry!! Where else would I be able to go and do what I just did? Unleash at least some of the anger...hurt and pain! bye for now.
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Today, I am grateful to be on the path of dealing with my life and continuing to grow truly stronger.
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Just try to believe that the anger will fade, and the hurt will too. Give yourself time and be as patient with yourself as you were with him. Getting over a relationship is hard enough, but it is even harder when you feel that it was stolen from you by something that comes from a bottle. You are obviously a strong person and you will get through this. When you feel like you won't, just imagine that there are thousands of people standing right behind you helping to hold you up, because that is exactly what we all are going to do for you. My heart goes out to you and my thoughts are with you. Hang in there.
"Because leaving didn't help! If I stayed...it wouldn't have helped! I lost the battle from the very beginning...and I couldn't even see it!"
I have been battling the realization that whether I stay or go won't help, will the kids fare better with this or living separate from the A - neither is a good answer. So I have felt like there is no way to make this get better the way I can see it right now.
That's when I got to thinking about expectations, sad that one in my f2f lowers her expectations which makes some sense in this situation but not how I ever tried to live my life before. Isn't there a slogan or saying about expect the best and prepare for the worse??? Maybe that is not right or a distorted view.
I am pretty confused right now too from a different point on the journey so I am not helping you too much probably. Just know I get it, I hear you and it is a really rotton horrible disease that makes me angry too.
But Karilyn reminded me earlier to never, ever give up hope so maybe you are dealing with what another expressed at my f2f meeting: the difference of admitting it and accepting it - perhaps that is where you are at here a year away from when you left. As you pass through this storm, I hope you will find a rainbow that will renew your hope and joy and spirits - maybe in a way you could never imagine. Hang in there and thanks for sharing, it is healthy to get our anger out and clear the way for something better.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I know that anger so well. Change a couple of details and your post could have been written by me. My ah gave up on us well over a year ago and has just lived his dishonest life while I have done everything I can to save our marriage, myself and our kids. I've been holding out hope and praying for change and it has all been futile. He has only stayed out of guilt for the kids and avoidance of the financial ramifications of divorce.
I had a day last week where I was truly raging. Uhhh, actually, I'd say it was pretty close to what you are expressing in your post. I realized for me that it was a good place for me to finally get to. My counselor told me to use my anger to launch myself forward into taking control of my life and making some changes.
That advice got me moving in a forward direction, and the anger has diffused. To have some movement, even though it is in the complete opposite direction of what I truly want, has brought me an odd sense of peace.
I now have decided that I must pray to God (my HP) to release me from all the anger, resentments and judgements I have made. Not easy, and admittedly a seemingly impossible task, but I need to do something different. Those feelings are not helping me.
I hope you feel better and am glad you shared.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I don't think it is that the A thinks I was not good enough for him. I think the disease just took over. I think he'd like to have a relationship really. I just can't battle the disease. As far as I concerned and it got me for a long long long time.
I don't have any real words of wisdom. Just know I understand how you feel. I've been there. I'm still there. I've been apart from my guy for over a year. He keeps leaning. Its rough. Hang in there.
