The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few years ago the A wanted one of his friends to be able to come and practically live at our house. He wanted his friend to have access to the house 24/7 and use the driveway that is totally block the driveway and my access to it 24/7 for 6 months. At the time I virulently objected to it. When I was objecting and asserting myself one of my siamese cats went missing. She is a tiny siamese cat, 7 lbs who can't see propery and is not coordianted at all. She was not well known to him then.
Then lo and behold when I stopped objecting the cat appeared on cue from the A. I looked high and low around the house for the A. I have no idea where he hid her but I know really suspect he took her and hid her for 3 days and tortured me with it in order to get me to agree. I was beside myself with worry and grief (there were packs of dogs that ran in the neighborhood - she had already been attacked and nearly died). I could not prove the A did it but now my gut says he did. I really wanted to go into denial about it. I was talking to a friend this week about and it is years since the event but I cannot imagine his cruely and the lengths he would go to to get his own way.
My cat is fine now. She beats up the dogs. She has no fear and she has had no after effects. I can't say I am fine. When I think about it I'm sick. I am also aware that I allowed the A to run riot over my life. I allowed him the benefit of the doubt so many times. I also am having to face that the A would stop at nothing to get what he wanted. He wanted to move up north he did, he was prepared to ditch his pets to do it. He wanted to have his friend be in the driveway for 6 months he got it. His friend was there for 6 months, eventually I kicked up such a fuss he left otherwise I think he would have had the friend move in with us and live there. Indeed when I left he had all his friends move in and party day and night for months.
I cannot even imagine I lived like that. I did in denial, in fear and in cascading life throttling rage day in day out.
It's hard to think about those things he did that you wanted to block out because you know it happened and you stayed. That's how I felt anyway. Why did I tolerate that? What the Heck was wrong with me? Etc. I think it's good to remember that but not dwell on it. I don't forget because I want to remember never tolerate anything that is beyond my comfort level again. The a before this most recent one used to abuse the animals and I cannot get attached to an animal anymore. Something snapped inside me that keeps me from getting pets and attaching to animals. I used to love animals. I still like them but just not the same anymore.
Yeah, my AH would not allow me to walk around by myself at the grocery store or Home Depot, etc. Like to go and get something or look at something on my own. He insisted that we walk side by side everywhere at all times. If I did not do this, he would throw a HORRENDOUS tantrum publicly or physically drag me out to the car and yell at me for hours in the parking lot, not allowing me to get out. It was such a low point. I cannot believe I put up with that. No wonder I plotted his death! no seriously, I stayed waaaay too long with that and was in such incredible denial. Never again, my friends. Hugs, J.
The A who I was with pulled many a tantrum. The last one was when I let him into the storage. I paid for him to move his tools and for him to store them in my storage. When he came to collect them he had a huge tantrum. The manager of the storage came out. That was the last for me. I have barely seen him since. I have no intention of ever letting him near me again because of that. I am not sure how I will give the storage to him when he asks for it. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
