The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have attended Alanon for a few months now and it really has helped me a lot. I see things in a clearer light now.
The issues I am having with my AH are scary for me though.
You see, I have not had a car in 4 months due to one of the cars breaking down and being unable to get fixed. It would cost too much to fix it and it has almost 200,000 miles on it. So I have been riding my bike places if I need to go out during the day while he is at work.
Now I work afternoons at home on the computer so getting to a job is not an issue. Doing anything else in this small rural town is hard without a car. So I have been looking for a car for the last few months.
Therein lies the problem. I came up with the idea I would rent a car for a day to go out and look for a car. I have done that twice now. I still have not found a car to buy. So you wonder what is stopping me.
Well my AH is losing his job as of 1/31. So we will only have my income plus whatever he gets on unemployment. We do not have a mortgage payment but we do have house insurance car insurance property taxes and of course the IRS coming up. He is complaining I do not contribute enough of my income to the household. I pay the utilities and get groceries every week. I also am trying to pay off my debt.
He is real good when he is drunk at letting me know what an ungrateful wench I am and that I live here scot free. Ok so I have been married to the man for 6 years and with him 8. He did not start drinking until after we got married. I know it is the alcohol talking and not the real him.
So I know I must take care of me in spite of the AH I love with.
I am tired of being patient and hearing how I could use a bike or scooter to get around. How I need to drop my pride and ask for a ride to church or Alanon. (I have done those things without a problem.) I just get tired of being dependent on others.
I feel trapped because I am trapped. And I know he likes it that way. But I can change that and I am taking steps to gather my courage to buy a car that I can afford with my earned income. Then when he gets on a kick he wants to argue, I can walk out, get in the car, and go out until I decide to come back.
I am still suffering from the guilt he lays on me to some extent. I get all fired up about getting a car and then get the guilties for trying to do something for myself and end up car less so far.
Any words of wisdom to encourage me or help me are greatly appreciated.
Here is some ESH. I too was married to an alcoholic for 15 years.
Before I left I did not have a car for a year and a half. I rode my bike 7 1/2 miles to work every day, then 7 1/2 miles home. Sun, rain, snow, always
My Ex-AH had a car which I was not allowed to use he said he would call the cops and report it stolen if I tried to use it. He did not work and rarely used the car but he was a big strong man and, nasty when drunk
I started to get smart through alanon and started to think I could get a vehicle since I worked.
I rented a car through Enterprise - they had a $9.99 a day weekend rate and I leased a new truck.
please continue to work the alanon program, it CAN make a huge difference in your life.
Also, it will be easier to buy/lease before your husband loses his job....
Keep coming back
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
souljoy, I do not have any ESH except to tell you that I understand that feeling of being trapped in a rural area w/o a car. I know that feeling soo well and its perfectly reasonable for you to want one, go out and find and get a car. You can do this and it certainly seems as if you need it. Put that alcoholic behind his glass case like a gorilla in the zoo and go out and do what you need to do to follow your bliss!
I have always gotten some good used cars through friends or friends of friends mechanics. Do you know anyone who is a mechanic who works on cars? Do you have a friend who might? I have gotten some great used cars cheaply through individual mechanics who have their own shops, usually. Also, put the word out in your al-anon group. Maybe someones mom cannot drive anymore and needs to sell, etc. Also, if you can, pay cash for it- you will get a better deal from an individual. I have a great old volvo that I paid 1500 for 3 years ago. Its 20 years old but she runs great and is a very very simple basic car with nothing fancy on it. That is another thing- get something really basic, the fewer bells and whistles, the better to keep costs down. Good luck! J.
Sounds like you are working the courage to change part okay. Stay at it and trust your HP and the program. As for the ride dependency thing what helped me along until I got my own was gratitude. When I felt I was putting members out by asking for rides I did the pre-program thing...walked, ran or hitched. I still got to meetings and then learned that trusting until I could be self sufficient was only half the trust. I was afraid of getting a "NO" from members and that would hurt and it was an unfounded fear cause I never got turned down and members use to ask me if I wanted a ride to meetings. They like the company. It took awhile to get my head on straight and Al-Anon members had patience and humor while I worked on it.
Let go of fear. Up the trust. "Screw guilt" (slogan from AA), Let go and Let God. Use the tools. Keep on doing what you are doing. You're getting healthy.
You have come to the right place for esh. You are not alone and people here understand. It sounds like the disease talking. It's not about you. Stay strong and keep coming back to Alanon. For me when I feel trapped or can't see a solution I am learning to let go and let my higher power handle it. It seems to all work out.
The word that came to my mind is control. I allowed my husband to control me. I allowed him to tell me if I couldor could not use th phone...go to the grocery or library...buy anything. His dad did his mom the same way but he used to beat her up if she sneaked and did it. He broke her arm once and gave her a black eye because he told her she could not buy cat food when she was in the grocery and she bought a can of cat food. The fact you say you have guilt because he makes you feel guilty is a form of control.
I ALLOW a person to make me feel guilty. i ALLOW a person to contgrol me. I ALLOW a person to make me feel less than. And when I decided I did not want to be a doormat for his words any more, I got up off the floor.
If he was drunk , I refused to argue. I said Let me think about that...or you may be right. ANd I walked of.
I started telling HIM in a nice way that I was going somewhere. I did not ask permission. I'd say..I am gong to the post office to mail this letter. Do you want anything while I am out? Or I'd say..I am gong to Wal mart for someething to fix for supper. Do you want to go with me to hlep pick it out?
I saw it like giving a child two choices. They ahve a third choice in mind. It's like clean up your room and you can go out to play or stay in your room. Their choice is neither of those. When I gave my husband slight options liek that, I was taking control of my own life. He did nto liek it at first and someth8ings said..did you ask me? I say NO. You dont ask me when you want to go somewhere, so I did'nt ask.
You don't have to feel guilty. You work. If you want a car to get a better job, you DESERVE IT. And if you need to get out of the house in the morning whiel he is home on unemployment, you might be able to find a neighbor who will pay you to clean her house. I pay a lady $12 an hour to clean mine. She gets $40 once a week to clean my house for a little over 3 hours.
For me the tool that helped me get away from that was detachment. I had a trick. IF he was having a tirade of ugly things as me...such as lazy B**ch. I'd jsut tell myself that he jsut called me a chair. I know I am not a chair, so the ugly words did not stick with me and eat me up. They did nto hurt me. I also reminded myself, jsut because HE says it, does not make it so. Another trick I did was to visualuize a red A on his forehead. It reminds me he is an alcoholic. AN his disease is acting that way and saying those things....no the man I know is inside. ...the man I love.
ALAnon will help you learn to deal with his actions. It will help you get stronger. If the only way you can get to a meeting i to ask for a ride, then do it. I'd bet your freind who is picking you up atually enjoys having someb ody to talk program with on the way to and from a meeting.
