The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been working on figuring out what my loved ones gave me, and how to use it now. They loved me very much, I them too. All have passed now. But they had to have imprinted on me. So I have parts of them with me.
I want to move on, not be so miserable because I miss them all so much.
Somehow I need to make my life,a life and not hate it so much.It seems so selfish to hate my life.
Maybe write their names down, and putting everything i can think of down that they each taught me.
Part is physical, doc app. next week.
The A disease really broke me to pieces. I still am amazed how two people can be so in love, so close as friends,for sooo many years, yet this disease comes along, and I am thrown away.
It has to be brain damage. There was NO question how he felt about me. Today my adoptive dad said,"debilyn you need to love yourself." I didn't realize that I had stopped. Was in the shower, of sorts, and thought how I do not trust anyone to love me anymore. What would make Dad love and care about me? I am nothing.
I hate to admit this, but I believe my son is an addict. Or more he has addict behavior becuz he is bi polar.
It is tearing me apart, his ignoring me. We were so close, always. Now he won't even talk to me. I never abused my kids or was mean or anything. They had all they needed and most all they wanted. They both are talented, polite, hard working people.
I am very proud of both of them.
When my son has an obstacle,and we are talking and he tells me about it, I always say,son you are not in this alone. I reassure him that I am always here for him. I am not the only one who lost everyone.Both my kids lost their fathers.
When he is on meds, he is protective of me,he will come out and build something, fix things,talk to me,care.
But the sicker and more hurt I am, he acts like he is mad at me for being sick, for hurting. I asked him if he had a chop saw, he asked,"don't you have a skill saw?" I told him yes but I cannot lift it, and use it anymore.
He sounded mad. Probably becuz he feels guilty becuz he does not have time to help me, and wants me to be the independant mother I always was. Strong, keeping the big older boys away from him.
I don't know. when I ask him, what he answers is like I am a burden.
Yet he told me not to work on the roof becuz he said he wanted to finish it up. Well i didn't now i cannot use my sitting room or bathroom like normal people. It leaks.
He is acting so much like my AH. I hate saying that.
I lay in bed, am hungry. think about French toast. but I would have to wash a pan, mix it all....just don't care. just eat some bread and an orange.
At least I am seeing what my obstacle is. How can I love me,when my own beloved son, said in his own way, why should he help me, not like I ever helped him. shaking head. I was celibet for ten years plus when i was widowed. I wanted to be there for the kids. Had a job that i could be home when they were.
Made sure he always had a motorcycle, fishing poles, whatever. He would mow a lawn and give me the money. I did not want to take it but knew I had to for him. His friends all basically lived at our home.
But yet here I am, dieing inside and out becuz of how he is ignoring me. today I thought how maybe I won't be able to pull out of this one. LIke an anorexic who cannot eat. You honestly cannot help it.
It is my feeling when we don't have loved ones anymore, we have no mirror to ourself. We don't know how we are to others.
I know where I am here. I appreciate it so very very much.
Don't even know if I should send this.
Not ready to give up, but had thoughts of how much easier it would be to just walk away. Get a back pack and sleeping bag and go.
I really wonder if broken hearts look different than ones that the people are in love and happy.
Debilyn, I can relate. And I know you are just processing and that you will come around and sort through it all and be here tomorrow like a shiney new penny, you are vibrant that way, even now in your presently dimmed state, you shine so. I am grateful that you are here on this board. So grateful.
My AH is also bi-polar and that is a whole additional kettle of fish, my friend, which you are well aware of, I know. Another disease. We have no control over them but we can control our getting hurt. We can protect ourselves from their hurtful words whether its from alcohol or mental illness or whatever. Its an inside job. Its also a god job. But you also know all that, too!
I wish I could come and fix your roof. I could, I have done roofing in the past. I really do wish I could, it would be a pleasure. All I can do is leave you this message and ask god to send you a roofer (and I don't mean another dang dog!). Hugs, J.
Debilyn, I too know the deep dark alone feeling you are referring too. And I wonder to myself, "how can Debilyn, who is always the first one to show up with a gentle word of understanding and hope, feel so hopeless?" Then again, I know that as humans, all of us go through the spinning wheel of emotions.
When dealing with other people, be it addicts, those with mental illness, or just plain old "normal" people (ha!), we are going to be disappointed and let down. That's the nature of the human beast! (That's why your animals are so dear - they are the only ones who give that unconditional love feeling!). I'm a divorced mom who raised my son alone (physically alone anyway) since he was six years old (he's 21 now). We are as tight as mom and son can be, but I'll tell ya - he doesn't like to see me clingy at all. AT ALL! It messes with his head if I appear weak. I was his rock for all of these years. Part of me understands that. And I stay very concious of that. They don't realize the sacrifices, the celibate years, our tears behind closed doors, the struggles. That's all the work of "the wizard behind the curtain" - all they know is they got a good, strong, mom who was there for them - that's all they know.
I, too, know that you will emerge from your dark spot. Sometimes we just have to feel the feeling until it goes away. When I try to avert it, I end up having displaced anger and generally feel kinda nutty. Sit with your fears, your lonliness, your disappointment, your anger, your sadness long enough to explore it. Then hand it back over to HP.......you know he's always waiting to take it back from us when we're sick of it.
Just wanted to give you a cyberhug and let you know that I'll be praying for you today.
Debilyn, I think what I hear you saying is, Your son should love you. (of course he should! I can relate, I have children who should love me too) For all you've done, he should appreciate and love you and show it!
But, what is the Reality? The reality is... he is not. (just for today) During my painful divorce, I have been learning to ACCEPT the REALITY of my situation by processing the statements that I tell myself.
First, by asking myself if it's TRUE... Is that a true statement, that YOUR SON SHOULD LOVE YOU?
If it is, go to the next question and ask yourself how do YOU FEEL when you BELIEVE that statement, that he should love you, but he is not? (Write this answer down, how do you feel when you believe that statement?)
Then, process how would you feel if you DID NOT believe that statement.... (probably happier and free, maybe....?)
Then, turn it around, Debilyn. Find TURNAROUND STATEMENTS that are as true or truer... Like, I should love my son. Or, is this a truer statement.... I should love myself? Would I feed anyone that I truly love....just bread and an orange?
This is what we can control. Afterall, if I don't love myself, why should anyone else? I have decided that we must be sending out a message to the universe that says, I don't deserve to be loved....so, don't love me.....this is exactly what I have had to work on as I recover from the deceit and abuse in my marriage. He was deceitful and abusive....my turnaround was, I deceived MYSELF by not listening to my inner voice crying out...I swept it all under the rug. And I abused myself by staying in the relationship....way longer than I should have. I did not love myself enough to take care of myself and get out.
I hope to not sound too much like a codependent who believes she can fix you! (I am aware that you are a wise voice on this board! And, I am only a beginner.) But, I have come across this kind of WORK as I recover from my painful divorce and the disease of alcoholism.... I have made leaps and bounds in my recovery by not fighting with Reality/HP anymore. If it's happening, and I cannot change it....it is meant to be! For whatever reason...I cannot know the wisdom of it. But it's happening, and I need to accept it. This processing work has helped me to accept reality.
Geez.....I am racing off to work as I write this, so I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way....
Take what you like and leave the rest.... I am wishing you a peaceful day Love, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Ellen, you reminded me to throw my burdens to hp. His yoke is light. thank you soooo much.
I am doing my best to get out of this depression.
you made me think lots. What hit me was he does know what a good mom I am. but he is off his meds so his other side is there now. I will be tossing this burden off as best as I can. Am tired of this learning experience.
glad lee,I will definitely do what you shared with me.
I myself don't use the word should. However,I know you were just giving me an example.
I give respect. one of my boundaries is I will have respect or I will go away.'
It is more I am so afraid I or he will die before he ever stops being a butt and comes and hugs me. I have been there so many times. It does happen.
so you reminded me to have faith.
thank you so much
gladlee, sometimes i want to go home. go where I can just be and not always ON.worn out and broken down. but becuz of the reminders and careing people here, I know it will be ok.
love,debilyn in her own defense the bread was whole wheat, the orange was yummy haha
your words made me very sad and thouched my heart. i don't think i would be able to handle my son feelings so very angry at me in that way. he is all i have right now, the only thing keeping me going. you are right close loved ones are the way we measure ourselves. reading your venting message makes me scared that my son some day may react the same way. you said you have made sure your kids were not left wanting..that's how i care for my son. he is very sweet and caring and has grown-up much too fast because of his A father. I have been losing my temper with my AH more often lately luckily my son hasn't seen it but he is starting to grow an attitude that i won't try and do anything about his father's condition. i know i need to get him to teen alanon. debilyn i cried when i read your message because i understand and so does everyone else here. don't ever NOT send what you have written. you need to write it as much as we need to relate to it. i wish i had magic words that would just jump out of the screen and heal your wounded heart and brighten your day instantly but we all know that isn't going to happen .. i know maybe a joke will help a little ... hope it gets at least a little smile. Just A Juggalo
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
Sometimes when I do not feel like I can love myself I just try to remember that someone i do trust loves me very much. If my HP can love me all the time, I can manage to sometimes. You're worth your weight 1,000,000 times over in love.
Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you. I am feeling so sad about your son. You are such a special person, and you have encouraged me many times.
I will pray for you and your son that he will know what a special person his mom is.
With love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
