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Hi All, My AH has been sober for 2 months now, after being in a locked detox facility for a week and getting a DUI. He has until 3/15/08 to complete a 7 week, three time per week intensive out patient alcohol program by order of the Court. He said to me Saturday night that he had thought about having a couple of drinks Saturday night, but decided not to. When I asked what made him decide not to his answer was that it was too much trouble to go to the liquer store. Not that he was committed to sobriety as he had promised me, not that he would never drink again, as I had told him I would file for divorce if he started again, not because of the DUI. NOW it is all my fault - he can't trust me to tell me anything because I got upset at his answer. He's barely spoken to me since. Now I feel that it is just a matter of time before he's back to a bottle of vodka every day. How could I have handled this better??? Chetch
2 months is very very early sobriety especially when he's not working a program. You are not talking to a rational human being yet, so don't let irrationality catch you off guard.
For me, I realized that my responses sometimes WERE critical when they didn't need to be. His sharing with me was something I wanted to encourage, so I tried not to be critical when he shared something with me - yet I didn't want to stuff my reactions either. It continues to be a learning process for me; one thing that helps me is the "think" acronym:
before I say it - is it Thoughtful? Honest? Intelligent? Necessary? Kind?
- it hadn't occurred to me that I could choose to pass my words through a filter other than honesty. Sometimes - OFTEN, in the beginning - I bit my tongue, because I was pretty sure I didn't know how to say something that WASN't offensive. Then I took it to my sponsor or to a meeting or here to get feedback.
Possible options in your situation? "good" - don't ask about why at all. "oh - well, I'm glad you didn't go" - after asking why, and getting an answer you don't like.
And as others have said and will say - he will either drink or he won't - what are YOU doing? found local f2f meetings yet?
Glad to see you, I wondered where you were. (Ok, ok, I also wondered what the latest installment was on finding that magical one day seminar that would declare him "cured" - sure got a laugh out of that one!)
I guess the one day seminar cure has turned into a 7 week miracle cure, although he's yet to do anything about getting admitted to the program. I'm a bit disappointed as I feel he's getting off pretty light. I was hoping that he would have to pick up trash along the road so all of his other lawyer buddies would see him!
I forgot to say - I also discovered it's never too early to practice making amends for my part. And actually, usually the sooner the better for me - less time to fester I think. Short and sweet (and CALM) and not requiring a response works fine for me.
"sweetie, you know when I said xxxxxxxxxxx?? I'm sorry I got worked up, you tried to share something with me and I really appreciate that."
"you know, my first reaction got the better of me the other day, but I wanted you to know I think it's so great that you didn't pick up that drink, and I wish I had said so at the time."
Notice there's no retraction of your honest reaction here; but a recognition that that is "his stuff", and I'm trying stay out of it.
Thanks, I just email him and said what you wrote me almost word for word and then called him and told him I had sent him a heartfelt email and to please read it. Thanks for your great advice!
I don't know there is a "right" way to handle a alcoholic when they are talking about a voltaile subjust. I do know in my own ESH that when I begged, pleaded, screamed, raged or whatever the A did not change his ways at all. Things changed for me when I said I had had enough and moved to take care of me rather than him. I was always in over react mode.
Noone here is going o expect you to be a saint. I certainly am not. I raged and raged and grieved the A's behavior a great deal. I stopped over reacting when I put the focus on me. I can't tell you how difficult that was to do. I put the focus on me because it made me "crazy" to think about his behavior. Frustration is still not something I handle that well.
Detaching daily helped me a great deal. I also found enormous solace coming here. For whatever reason sounding out here helped me tremendously.
I second the idea that it is never too early (or too late) to start making your own amends. If you said something you regret, tell him so. It doesn't hurt him, incidentally, to see that you too are a hurt sick person, trying to heal.
It helps me so much to come to this forum. I have never dealt with alchoholism before and feel a bit at sea and out of my depth. I am trying to detach, but am finding it very difficult because I am so hurt, angry, disappointed, among other assorted emotions. Thanks to you all.
Does it really matter why he didn't? I mean they always say it doesn't work unless you are doing it for yourself right? So I guess that would be a good thing that he felt like it was too much trouble. I think the hardest part is not to get vested into what they're doing, thinking, feeling, etc and just worry about what you are. Don't expect the worst but if it happens be prepared to mean what you say and act on it.
I got a XMas bonus which is exactly the amount that the divorce attorney I would use charges. I have stashed it in an account that he knows nothing about. That makes me feel immensely better for whatever reason. I guess it's my escape money...
chech , sometimes our A's try to use us as a sponsor and if I have learned nothing else here I cannot help an alcoholic except to support his efforts at sobriety . My husb also told me one nite he wanted to drink and I almost threw up in the restaurant , I had to leave when i explained to him how that statement made me feel he looked at me like I was nuts and replied , if I can't talk to you about how I feel - screw it . They dont' understand us anymore than we understand them , I gently explained to my husb that nite that i was going to a meeting cause i was upset at my reaction to his statement about drinking and I suggested he go to one too . I left and suprise suprise he went to a meeting came home feeling reasured that he would get thru this . Alcoholics understand Alcoholics and Al-Anons understand me . for me it that simple .
