The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The final straw was the day after my father's funeral. My oldest son caught him in the hot tub with "company" while I was still out of town going through my father's home. The AH's reaction? That I should explain to my children that adults are allowed adult friends.
Sure they are - just not naked ones of the opposite sex.
Only by the Grace of God we were offered a place to live for "awhile." Everyone though that when I left, the AH would wake up, would realize what he was losing. That has not been the case.
My sons see me continue to try, continue to communicate, continue to act as though we can stay married, that we can work things out. We've supposedly agreed to live separately until my boys are out of school - about two more years. They were literally crumbling under the tension and chaos. (and both are doing so much better out of that house)
The AH is convinced that he is the one who's been wronged, injured and that I am the one who should be trying to make things right.
Meanwhile I see him still so miserable, drinking more, eating less. He doesn't remember things, coworkers tell me his job is in jeopardy. The sexual addictions that boiled just beneath the surface have come out full blown since we left. He's gone through all the "normal" porn sites and such, his interests turn more deviant every day and he doesn't even realize how unacceptable his behavior is.
Yet, I continue to go back. I continue to take his phone calls. I don't want him to feel abandoned. I was there again today. We had a great New Year's meal with black eyed peas and I took him a plate. He was glad I was there, but so wasted. He said his shoulders hurt so I gave him a great massage. Then he got furious when he found out I was leaving without "putting him to bed."
So the phone calls start, and the sarcastic messages, and the ultimatums, the threats, the promises - most of which he will either deny tomorrow or swear I took them out of context.
I am absolutely sure my HP led us out of that house. Why is it so hard to give up? Why can't I let myself grieve over what probably wasn't ever a real marriage anyway and go forward?
All I know is that I can't have it both ways. please forgive the long post.
Susan in Texas
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Plan B? Yea, Plan B - sounds so official, especially when we're flying by the seat of our pants! (from Dukes of Hazzard, paraphrased by my teenager)
(((((Susan)))) Okay you know now...and you know that you know. It's not over until it's over and that's not until you say it's so and stop looking back over your shoulder. It was explained one way to me in early recovery that my surrender of my alcoholic to HP came with a "snatching back" reaction. Because of fear I would "snatch her back" from my HP each and everytime I turned her over until I got surrender down into my subconscious and then never snatched her or any other "turn over" back. Why? because you are not ready. He's sick, you're sick. The miracle is in the not being present. It comes when we are not looking. It comes in a way that we know it's a miracle but could never imagine it coming out that way and often times the only payoff for me is that I am just satisfied and relieved that life is better for it.
Alateen is for the kids, if Alateen is available. Alateen is a part of the Al-Anon Family Groups and is now over 50 years old. Children of alcoholics or alcoholic addicts or plain ole addicts need to have what we have; the opportunity to sit together in their own 12 step 12 tradition spiritual based program and share their experience, strength and hope with each other so that they can have a chance to recover from the devastating effects of this disease. I am planning to get the word out to all of our Junior High and High schools in the area about a new Alateen meeting that started this evening. Consider the consequences of life without program.
When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will let go of your addict alcoholic and you will turn him over to a Power greater than yourself. He may have a chance after that.
Try using the board's Search function & type in "addicted to the A", there are some great results. Then try typing in message ID 8705189 - this post is titled "play reversies to understand the pain", it's from Oct 2006, and it's just fabulous on how our addiction to our A can be JUST LIKE the A's physical addiction to - whatever substance it is.
Susan we are all so confused when this disease really starts getting things very crazy.
He has a horrible disease,one that is making his brain not act in a normal way. He says things and does things that tear us apart.
Yet there is the man we love,married, had kids with. The one we have always nurtured and shared sweet words and thoughts with.
What I had to do was come to terms with the fact my AH is dead,and his body is controlled by the disease.
I too wanted him to know I cared.He had no one else. NO one loved him and knew him as I did and do. That is true too.
The trouble is, our caring,taking calls,doing things for them is enabling the disease to be stronger and stronger.
We also know the horrible gut wrenching pain that comes when we really completely let it go. It is worse to me than being cut in half.
Plus you have left your home. Of course I want to say get him out of the house so you and kids can come home.But ignore that....
Actually you guys are safer becuz he probably would not dare show up where you are. I am so proud of you for being strong enough to get out with your boys.
What YOU do and how you deal will be taken very seriously by those boys. They will remember this forever. Right now you are everything to them. Even if they are going thru the teenager from you know where,you are everything to them.
Your loving your AH, treating him carefully, yet now allowing the disease to make you attack him, or get back will mean a lot to your boys who still love their dad, yet you are teaching them that he is very very sick.
However your strength will make them strong now and later in their own lives when they have to face the tough stuff.
My family also has suffered from Aism and various sex addictions. This last October (2007) was a real wake up call my my AH. As he put it "Like someone slapped the sense back into him."
Sexual addictions--from my perspective--has hurt my marriage more that the drinking. Not to say that neither was better than the other, but they both added fuel to the blazing fire.
Putting water on the the fire, and watching the smoke-filled haze clear out, I have place as much peace between me and the situation as possible. My AH knows what is right and wrong...and has openly admitted it. Hopefully, between the both of us working our programs, all will heal itself and 2008 will be much different than 2007.
Trusting my HP in direction--by mouth, ears, eyes and senses--that is what I need to place my focus on instead of condemning and finger pointing.
Keeping it simple...and hope you can too!!
--Just For Now
-- Edited by Just For Now at 18:57, 2008-01-06
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
