The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My family is on their way home from their snow trip. I wanted the kids to have a great time and they did! However...
Warning - here is my selfish non-al-anon rant - One of the mean things my ah has said to me is that we never had fun together, including on the few vacations we had. This was the first time they were without me, but also the first one he had while in recovery. Thus, he probably had a great time and will only think it was only good because I wasn't there. Maybe that is the truth. That is the part that hurts.
Admittedly I wanted the trip to be a bit of a challenge for my ah. I'm sure it wasn't a breeze, but I packed the kids with everything they would need. The older 2 are getting very self-reliant. They were in an incredible lodge in a world-famous resort area with skiing, pools, hot tub, ice skating rink, movies, restaraunts, room service, how tough could it be?
He was supposed to go to AA meetings every day and he said it didn't work out. Oh well, he didn't sound too worried about the consequence, especially since he will be in the program for the next 5 yrs. Not my problem, but I'm guessing it won't make his case manager smile.
I'm sure the kids were on their best behavior given the situation and that dad is such a treat . I anticipate I will be getting the fall-out over the next few days, especially from our 3 yr old.
My ah really is becoming indifferent to me, and that is a major sign I see in telling me to just give up. From my end, I need to approach it as taking control of my life and not letting the intolerable control me anymore. It sure is hard.
Also, I have an odd confession, but since my ah puts so much love and time into the kids (when it is convenient) I get envious of them. How wierd is that? I guess I just want someone to love me like that.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou, your posts are so refreshing and honest. I really enjoy reading what you are up to and what you are going through. I learn much from reading you. I just want you to know that.
I have been deeply envious of the people my AH spends time with over the years. They are not our kids but I cannot help but think that if only I could get a sliver of that from him, it might make everything Ok. Of course I know this is insane and a complete illusion. I just need to turn my attention back onto me in those moments. I just wanted you to know that I understand the feeling very well. My Ah and I are separated so I no longer know who he spends time with or what he does and its a real blessing.
I really like what Christy said in another post (hope its ok to quote you Christy!) about these three things we have to learn in order to live with an alcoholic: 1.) forgiveness, 2.) protect ourselves and 3.) not react. Its so completely different from what I know I was raised to do coming from an alcoholic family. I was trained to 1.) hold grudges for 10 million years, 2.) leave myself open to every kind of abuse and use, in fact invite it in and thrive off the drama of it, 3.) react, react, react!!!
I do know how kids can do that good cop bad cop game with parents. Thats got to suck but you sound very aware and even a little humored by it, like you know exactly what the game is and what to expect which is terrific. You are definitely not "deer in the headlights" with it!! Thank you for your post. hugs, J.
Lou - isn't it weird where the disease pops up for us? I know that feeling of wanting things to go well for my A, and at the same time, wishing that he would just want me to be a part of it. Maybe wishing that things would be a little better for him if he were with me. Wishing he'd just REALIZE that. And I don't think it's strange at all to feel somewhat envious of the love and time your A gives the children. You see that as pure love - and who wouldn't want that from their spouse? Especially if you're picking up signals of indifference from him. I know those signals......and they hurt. For today though, isn't it wonderful that your children have the love and attention of their father? Maybe find your gratitude in that. That's a real gift for them.
In the meantime, take a deep breath and say the serenity prayer. They'll be home soon!
My husband is drunk most of the time but right before he is drunk ya know the buzz stage when he is still himself, well that is the only time he gets along with my son. After that he turns into a Mr. Hide. and fights with every one. If I were you I would feel blessed when your spends quality time with your children. I quess I can't relate to the jealousy much any more , I am at a point that I don't want to spend any time with my husband anymore and enjoy him being passsed out more than anything. All he wants from me when he is somewhat sober is sex anyway. I wish I didn't feel this way but I don't want to be apart of anything with my husband. I prefer he pass out and leave me alone, I guess it's my way of detaching from all the hurt feelings he has caused. But I do remember at a time when I really wanted to be with him and apart of everything he was apart of and being somewhat jealous of "Smir" (his liquid mistriss, as I like to call her) Very rarely still today I get crazy jealous like on special occasions but not much more than that any more.
