The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to take care of myself. Christmas was OK, I was wanting so much for my daughter, her new little girl (5 weeks old) and her family, me and my husband to all be able to be together. But it was not to be....due to the damage from Alcoholism. But hubby and I exchanged gifts, had a good Christmas with his family. And I was able to do Christmas with my daughter and her family. I just feel so split.
Yesterday, hubby and I spent all day together, went to an "exotic" grocery store we like to go to, bought some yummies. Came home, he helped put away food, helped with laundry.
We were sitting here watching TV, and he was drinking. I would say something, he would totally ignore me. I couldn't stand it anymore. Against my better judgement, I went over to his side of the couch and tried to put my hand on his shoulder, he pushed me away. That was all I could take.
I calmly went and got my coat and purse, and walked out the door, shutting it ever so gently, not slamming it like I felt like doing.
I drove down to the country music dance bar I used to go to with friends, and the same one I went to a while back, the one where I ran into an old friend. He was there again last night. He doesn't drink much, but likes to listen to the music. He knows my husband from when they were younger and used to party together. But, he doesn't like my husband much. When I went in, he saw me, the band had just started, he jumped up and told me to sit with him, which is good, because I don't like going into a bar much by myself anymore. He gave me a big hug, which I really, really needed. We danced to a few slow songs, talked a little bit, then the band played some Keith Urban (which I requested by writing it on a napkin!) and I danced with some other girls who were there. It is a fun place to go, if you want to dance, you just do, by yourself, or with strangers. No one cares. Anyway....I got my hug fix and my Keith Urban fix! I felt better than I had in a long time. I only had 1 beer, and I was there 4 hours. Left about 1am or so. Drove home, hubby had all the locks, including the deadbolts, which he never locks...locked. I used my key to get in, and he was standing inside the doorway when I came in. He just said "Where were you", and I said "Out". Then walked past him and went to bed. He slept on the couch. This morning, we did not speak at all. I had a day planned with my daughter and grandbaby to go see my best friend because she hadn't seen the baby yet, so I got cleaned up, and went. I did stop back by home on the way to friend's house, and hubby was just sitting here watching TV. I went into the bathroom and got some medicine for my daughter and walked back out. I just got home, it is 5:30, hubby is not here. This is such a sad way to live. I am so lonely. I have friends, I have my daughter, my family, but I am still lonely. The man I promised to love forever is gone. He is still here physically, but that is it. He will not touch me, except for a granny smooch. He sleeps mainly on the couch. I am too young to live the rest of my life not having the companionship I crave. Last night, to dance with another man, with his arms around me, just felt safe and secure. Now, I realize it isn't safe and secure, and it isn't the other guy that I want, but he told me I looked pretty. He hugged me, gave me a few little kisses. And I let him. It felt OK, but no spark was there. He is a friend, that is all. We used to be lovers, but that was a long time ago. And it was physical only, well, we were friends, but we weren't "in love." Not like I have been with my husband. Oh, if he only knew what he was missing. I am a good person. I have a lot of love to give. I think I am fun, was told just last night that I was pretty........and had sexy lips....LOL! I told my guy friend that my husband had pushed me away, and he thought that was nuts, said he would never push me away. He asked where my husband was, and I said I guessed home being mad. He said "Well, what if you said 'Hey, husband, let's go out dancing tonight!'", Yeah right, you can't "go dancing with an A. Hubby prefers to sit at home and be mad, just like he has been for the past 3 years. My friend is sweet and kind and gentle. Everything I am missing at home. But I don't love him. I never did. He is my buddy. But he sure gives good hugs, and that was a balm for my aching spirit and soul. It was strange, I did more laughing, talking, hugging and smooches with him in a few hours than I have my own husband in a couple of months! Sorry this is so long. Guess that is all. Has been a very confusing 24 hours. One minute husband hates me, the next minute he "likes me", and wants to do things together. I just never know. I am exhausted. My mind is worn out. My heart is not a game he can play with, then put away (words from Keith Urban! Love in Confused and Lonely Recovery, Becky1
Yes, sounds familiar Becky. Its really hard and really sad. Not what I thought it was going to be when we got married. I mean, I was no idiot, I knew it was going to be hard sometimes but not this hard so much of the time. My husband is a giant grump 99% of the time and prefers to sit and watch TV when he is not off doing something else with other people or working. I think its good that you left and went and did something that made you feel good. This is what our program teaches us. If we do not do this, then we get into deep sh@# and resentments build.
For me, because its been so long (we have been separated for 2 years), the situation of spending time with a warm friendly laughing man would be really incredibly dangerous for me. I would want to have an affair just to get some kind of positive feeling in my heart and soul. Just to feel appreciated. Just to be touched. Just to see if it was still possible to feel good in that way. I have not had enough recovery (obviously!) so I steer super clear of anything like that. I am still too hungry for attention, affection and being hugged/touched in a gentle and loving way. It is hard sometimes for me to understand how HP can fulfill that physical contact and affection but I know he can somehow and I just wait and pray.
I know my job is to exercise more, eat well, read, work, be gentle with myself, attend as many meetings as possible, love myself and keep my mouth shut when engaged in any conversation with any of the A's in my life (of which there are several). I take it one day at a time. It HP wants me to be alone and lonely for the rest of my life, so be it.
You are never alone in this journey my friend. I am glad that you when out dancing and did something nice for yourself. Now many years ago when I was involved in another relationship, I was very confused about things. A wise friend asked me this: Are you lonlier with him than without him? It took me awhile for the :lghtbulb: to go on. I am not suggesting anything other than you might contemplate that question. Once you have the answer, you can react to it in which ever way is best for you. I left that old relationship. Again, I am not suggesting anything here. But perhaps it will shed some light on what the next might or might not be. Perhaps it's changing your perspective and reactions to things. Perhaps it's accepting the way things are and doing nothing. The choice is up to you.
Remember: recovery is about taking back your life. It's about living the life in the way that is best for you. It's about living the life you so richly deserve. Take no prisoners. It's about living strong. It's about celebrating Becky!
Much love and blessings to you and your family. Happy New Year!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Claus
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Well, last night hub did come home around 6pm. He seemed a little defeated, his posture a little slumped. Don't know if he'd been drinking or not, didn't get close enough to tell. He didn't seem like he had, though, which is highly unusual if he'd been at any of his friend's houses, which he probably was. We sat on opposite ends of the couch and I read, he watched TV, not a word was spoken. I went to bed. I woke up sometime during the night, and he was in bed beside me. I got up this morning, fixed his coffee as is my habit, while I fixed myself some tea. I sat in the hot tub for about an hour, comtemplating my day. I came in, he got up, walked into kitchen, not a word was spoken. It was weird, there was no nervousness or hostility in the air, at least not on my part, and none I could detect on his part. We are just two walking ghosts. As for being lonely, for now I am more lonely without him than I am with him. At least if I am still here, I can do things to make myself feel better. I can go out dancing, out to eat with friends. Maybe I can get an occasional bed partner, a warm body to lie against. Am I cheating on him when I go out? I have struggled with that, because I want to be hugged and kissed and dance with another man. But I don't want sex. Not with anyone but my husband (well, and maybe with Keith Urban ) I just have to find ways to fill the loneliness in my soul. For me to be all the way single right now would be a very dangerous place for me. I am a "serial wife" I have been married before, too many times, this is my 5th. And the only one I've cared enough about to stay. And I've been with him the longest. Only one I've wanted to share all of me with, to grow old with. I have not come to terms with the fact that, that may not happen. For me to leave and become single now, I would just fall into another relationship. I know my pattern, and I have not broken it yet. Sometimes, God forgive me, and I hope you don't think this is terribly mean and awful of me, but sometimes, I think it would be easier if he just died. Then I would have no choice but to get over him. We went to the funeral of a friend's Mom who passed two days before Christmas. I watched her almost 80 year old husband standing in love before her casket, and the tenderness and grief on his face moved me to tears. I didn't even know her, had only met her maybe twice. I told my husband on the way home, that that would be us someday, one standing there without the other one. I was crying. He just says "Oh, well, you gotta go sometime." WTH???? Well, I am off to the craft store to buy 5 photo albums, to put my pictures I have currently stored in photoboxes into photo albums tonight. I have about 10 of those boxes filled with pictures! And I never look at them because it is too hard to get those boxes in and out of the cupboard. And, I don't think we are doing anything tonight. We aren't even talking. And I generally hate New Year's Eve. Except for the pork and sauerkraut and mashed potatoes and blackeye peas.....that is the only part I like. But, if he is going to act like a stranger to me, I may go out, to the dancing place, and ring in the New Year with someone who actually likes me.
You also might try doing the opposite and go to an open face to face Al-Anon meeting. Try doing 90 meetings in 90 days if your area has enough meetings to support that. Your post is Deja Vu kinda sorta. I have read almost the same post a year or so ago from another member that had her finger pointed at her alcoholic as the justification why she kept doing the same things over and over again expending different results. (Definition of insanity). I had wives and girlfriends who did the bar scene when they just couldn't figure out what the heck to do with themselves and you know they also allowed themselves to go do their "thing" in spite of how I or anyone else in the family felt about it. Most like an alcoholic does....self centered to the extreem. This program of recovery is about figuring out what I contributed to my problems and then getting help and participating in changing that. That was appealing to me because blaming my alcoholic for what was wrong with my life sure got old and also those in program who were working this program could see thru it. I got sicker and ran out of people to blame. I started focusing on me cause I was the one person that was always there when there was trouble in my life. I am responsible. I keep my side of the street clean today before I go inspecting where others live.
I learned here that happiness is an "inside" job and not dependent upon any other person, place or thing. In order to learn that I had to be in the program working the program and following suggestions from those oldtimers who came before me and my sponsors. I was old enough to do the bars and dance clubs and that is how I hooked up with yet another alcoholic. I didn't want that to ever happen again so I don't do that again. Blaming sick people is easy. It is also sick. Al-Anon has always presented the question to its' fellowship, "What is your part in it?"
Give it a try...it works if your work it. (((((hugs)))))
I felt better than I had in a long time. 
Now many years ago when I was involved in another relationship, I was very confused about things. A wise friend asked me this: Are you lonlier with him than without him? It took me awhile for the :lghtbulb: to go on. I am not suggesting anything other than you might contemplate that question. Once you have the answer, you can react to it in which ever way is best for you. I left that old relationship. Again, I am not suggesting anything here. But perhaps it will shed some light on what the next might or might not be. Perhaps it's changing your perspective and reactions to things. Perhaps it's accepting the way things are and doing nothing. The choice is up to you.
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