The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have probably one more month on my job, two at the most. They do not have someone to replace me lined up so I dont' know they will just let me go at the end of January. In the meantime I've been applying for jobs. I went on one interview this week. I have a shot at it. There is one other person in the works. I am going to try but turn it over. I am leaving it in HP's hands. I have done my best and will continue looking.
Many many days I struggle desperately with where I live and how I live. I managed somehow over the holidays. I have to say it has been difficult but living with the A was much much much more difficult. I am not sorry that I do not have to deal with that anymore.
I do not have my path out of where I am living right yet. I am in a mountain of debt, have health issues, dental issues, space issues, isolation issues. I have all kinds of issues but I feel like I can make a small dent on them daily. I set small goals for myself and keep on working on it. I feel daunted most of the time but not paralyzed with fear. I feel better.
I have a really hard year ahead I am sure. I have lots of work to do metaphoricaly and physically and more. I have to create another life in recovery and I do not yet know what that will be.
I would be nowhere without this room to come to regularly and I miss talking to you all daily. I will be offline again for a few days and back to normal on January 2nd.
My dear alanon friend, I've read your post and appreciate your concern. I believe in Miracles! I believe in YOU!! I believe this is a growth transition and I believe this upcoming year holds amazing splender and dreams for you that even you can not have imagined.
I challenge you to think outside the box, instead of expecting it to be yet another tough year...REACH, STRETCH ,GROW...Ask yourself...what have I always wanted to do, really really wanted to do now give yourself permission to do it.
I don't know anymore then you know what is in store for you...but let your imagination go wild!! Not as a luxery but as an exercise in enjoying your new found freedom.
Only I can become that human being that I've always wanted to be.
You are very precious, very special, give over every heartache and worry you hold and reach.
Feel free to accept my challenge and let's make a promise to ourselves to meet back here again in one year.
I look forward to hearing of your new adventures. Enjoy, the stages this is giving you. I read somewhere, "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. "
Hi Marasie, For what it is worth, your story is not far from mine....with exception of health issues. When my AH moved out and in with his mistress, she also got him to take every available asset we had. We were in a mountain of debt and his problem was not helping!!! Anyway.... Had done the research and suggested bankruptcy. He was ADIMANTLY AGAINST IT. Until.......he fell into this woman. She worked with a social services group who helped people acquire low interest government loans, as well as with their utilities. She also was divorced and in her marriage there had been a bankruptcy filed. So she had access to ALL kinds of info. and she used it to her benefit. Might add......many have told me that she has a problem with alcohol as well. She supposedly hated her job and had always wanted a tavern. Just what he needed. LOL About 7 mos. after he left (and he was still making promises of working out our marriage) out of the blue he wanted the bankruptcy! Live and learn......I gave him money approx. $2000 to pay down credit cards and hosps. bills that had accumulated from son's 2 knee surgeries. Pretty certain he used it to finance a tavern because what amts. he put on the papers to file were the same. I also paid property taxes and had utilities all caught up. NOT GOOD ENOUGH for the thinking of an alcoholic. Our house fell by the way side..... He told our children they could live with his single sister and he moved me in to his apt. with the pretense of "working out" He left 3 days after he got me there. To say the least......the job I had ended with the school year..... So there I was..... I tried and could get social services to give me anything because my three kids were living under someone else's roof. Found me another job....and a car to get me there. Praying praying always praying that I could be with my kids. The gas was eating me up to go the 17 mis. each night after work to see them. BAM out of the blue.....breast cancer hits. Med. bills. And since he quit his job to be in the tavern business there went the REALLY good ins. I was covered by my job, however, cancer can be costly. I survived! and was determined more than ever that if the good Lord had allowed me more time on this earth there must be reasons. Search for a house and found one..... Not a palace leaks in the winter which shoves those heating bills through the roof.....but it still had room for me and my kids (who were teens). Couldn't handle it all. Had one utility shut off. And it stayed that way for over a year until I got a handle one those med bills, of which, a couple were paid by garnishing wages. To me it didn't matter......I had my kids. It was tough! I just kept telling myself one day at a time. Now......I live alone. Have my own car and pay my own bills and am not buried under that mountain of debt. Five years now seems like nothing although admittedly going through it there were days that those doubts would begin to creep in. I just kept going over the twelve steps......and praying God would be with me and help. This was the first Christmas there were gifts for my kids that were more than necessities. And those smiles.......all worth it. I don't have a fancy car or house. Furniture is old but still in decent shape. And you know what I don't care what others say! I don't compare myself with what others have. I learned to watch sales. Laugh at times when someone compliments my "dress" clothes at church. They come from a little gem of a place that sells second handed. I don't care. My health is good. I am at peace knowing that everything that could be done to avert the drinking was. Everything that was done to help my children grow into decent humans was. They all drink.....and know my feelings about it, yet I have learned that is THEIR choice. I went through the depths of hell but I have survived. AH well from appearances.....living pretty good. Wonder how much debt he is in REALLY? Know he has had a heart attack, veins stripped in his one leg, breathing is labored and he had some severe mood swings. Hear they don't get along very well. Rather amusing to know that one. Just got a $30,000 convertible. Hmmm is it paid for? Last I heard he alone had over $50,000 worth of med bills from the heart attack and has paid on $25.00 It is now 3 years old. I know you think it is impossible. It's NOT. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and keep telling your self you can. If I can than I know you can survive this. Know there are many like you and I am just one of them. Best wishes to you. Learning/Wanda PS I read the post here, however, usually post on the AA board of MIP. One can learn ALOT from the otherside.
Maresie, I can relate to your post as I am in the middle of a frightening divorce. Like you, I don't miss the crazymaking, but I miss the security of being married. For 26 yrs., I was a stay-at-home mom so....moving forward at my age is quite scary.
But, I know that I must be careful of what I tell myself! I like Peggy's post....we MUST believe we can do it! What I focus on...gets bigger! So I try to focus on the good stuff. Put one foot in front of the other and do the next best thing.
My sponsor often tells me,
"I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future."
The things I cannot control, I put in my God Box...give it to God. Because all I can do is show up (at my piddly job) and do my best...the rest is up to God.
Another thing she often tells me, "Your Father owns the Universe." So, how can we NOT be okay???
Faith! It is the answer to my fears. I gotta keep practicing TRUST in my HP.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
