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I am new to message boards but if I don't at least type what I am feeling I think I'm going to explode. I have lived with an alcoholic for so long I'm not sure what is normal anymore. I think I will just talk to myself while I talk so I can make sense of what I am feeling. You all can read and listen if you like.
I married the man of my dreams.. I thought. He was beautiful to me and to himself. I felt so blessed and full of life when I was with him. I was only 17 soon turning 18 when I met him and of course I thought I knew everything as all teenagers do. At that time I was very talented and had dreams of being someone who would entertain for a living by singing and playing piano. I was bubbly and full of life. I have everything going for me. I met my husband cruising around in my new car. My aunt was with me. I had a great attitude about life and a niave one towards love. My dreams were bigger than I could have ever lived up to but I was determined to do so. At 16 I toured the country up one side and down the other in a tour bus singing my heart out. My heart had just been broken by a huge big fat loser who didn't know what he wanted and the trip was a way for me to heal by bruised heart. I had written off men until I was an established entertainer. I had a plan alright and nothing was going to change that! HA!HA! What a joke..plan shmam... the moment I laid my eyes on my husband for the first time I was hooked! Little did I know that I was making the biggest mistake of my life! A little after my wedding my son was born and I was trapped for good. He is 15 now and the best child in the world. Of course we are close because I have practically raised him by myself since my husband spends most of his time with his liquid mistress. I call her "Smir" short for Smirnof Vodka. She is the most alluring seductress, my husband has exhausted all of his efforts on her. He spent this last Christmas sleeping with her on his breath and no doubt in his dreams. His mother had to come over and get him up to spend time with his family. I told her that I can never wake him up after a rummble round the rim with Smir. She had no idea what I meant and I could tell. All her married life she was married to an alcoholic and was used to forcing people to wake up and spend time with her. So you'd think I could talk to her about what I have been going through these past 15 years with her son but Nope! All those years she enabled her husband and just took care of everything herself even raising and supporting five children by herself with little help from her drunk husband. So whenever I try to talk to her about it she jsut says that he will quit someday like her husband did and that I should just be strong and take care of things until he is well enough to help. ARG! Enough is Enough! I don't need his help I need his attention and his affections I need a father for my son. I want to be SMIR! I want her alluring hold on him the way she has. My family is riddle with afflictions of some kind. I don't turn to them for much, I feel they have enough on their plate. Sometimes I just break down and cry for no apperant reason other than I am just ANGRY as hell, hurt as hell and full of malice intent towards people that have wronged me. Then the next minute I am fine smiling like nothing is wrong. Believe me I feel that is so wrong and crazy of me to do. What is wrong with me? Like I said I don't think I know what is normal anymore. I gotta run. PAWS
(((((((((Paws)))))))))) Welcome! I can SO sympathize with how you're feeling. I can remember being very jealous of the vodka. Extremely jealous. "Other woman" jealous. I did and said some pretty humiliating things because of my jealousy over his obsession/love affair with the vodka. I'm not proud of that. But I do understand that feeling. I also understand the wild mood swings - from sadness, to rage, to hopelessness, to the painted-on smiley face. "everything's just fine" face. When you're in the middle of dealing with a practicing alcoholic, life can certainly feel like anything BUT normal. Here's what you need to remember though.....You didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control his alcoholism, and you can't cure his alcoholism. The only thing you CAN do, is work on yourself. This program (al-anon) is amazing. It provides you with all of the tools to take care of yourself, regardless of what your alcoholic husband is doing or not doing. You can find serenity in the midst of chaos. You may even discover what "normal" feels like!!! You will find wonderful people on this board who are or have been EXACTLY where you are at this moment. This family has offered me incredible ESH (experience, strength, and hope). The wisdom here is astounding. Please keep coming back. You're right where you need to be. ~Round3
THANK-YOU ROUND 3 FOR YOUR REPLY. I AM THRILLED THAT SOMEONE THERE KNOWS HOW I FEEL. I HAVENT MADE IT A HABIT TALKING ABOUT THINGS TO ANYONE. THE LAST 15 YEARS HAVE BEEN VERY LONELY INDEED. I THINK I HAVE SURVIVED THIS FAR BY PUTTING ALL MY EFFORTS INTO RAISING MY SON AND FOCUSING ALL MY EFFORTS ON MAKING HIS LIFE AS NORMAL AS I CAN. I AM MOTHER AND FATHER TO HIM. I TAKE HIM TO NFL GAMES AND HAVE NINTENDO MARATHONS WITH HIM. I TAKE HIM ON VACATIONS JUST HIM AND I. I ALWAYS MAKE IT TO ALL HIS FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL GAMES AND ANYTHING ELSE HE HAS GOING ON. I TAKE HIM TO TARKET PRACTICE AND WATCH THE NFL CHANNEL FOR HOURS WITH HIM. I PUT MODELS TOGETHER WITH HIM AND TAKE HIM OUT ON DATES WITH ME ON THE WEEKENDS. I JUST BOUGHT HIM A TRUCK FOR XMAS. HE IS MY PRIDE AND JOY AND MY DISTRACTION. I DONT KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO WHEN HE LEAVES FOR COLLEGE. HE IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT GOING. HE IS AN A STUDENT WHO HAS THE WORLD IN HIS HANDS. I GUESS WHEN HE GOES I MIGHT JUST DO THE SAME. WHAT WILL HOLD ME TO STAY? CERTAINLY NOT MY HUSBAND SHOOT! HE WON'T EVEN REALISE I AM GONE UNTIL HE RUNS OUT OF CLEAN SOCKS AND WONDERS WHERE HIS DINNER IS. I THINK THE REASON I STAYED WITH MY HUSBAND WAS SIMPLY THE MONEY HE PROVIDED AND THE TIME HE PROVIDED FOR ME TO BE WITH MY SON. I CAN REMEMBER A LONG TIME AGO THINKING I SHOULD JUST LEAVE HIM BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT HOW HARD I WOULD HAVE TO WORK AND ALL THE TIME IT WOULD TAKE AWAY FROM MY SON IF I WENT OUT AND WORKED TO PROVIDE HIM WITH A NICE HOME SO I DECIDED TO STAY..AND MAYBE I STAYED BECAUSE I REALLY DO LOVE MY HUSBAND EVEN STILL TODAY I JUST DONT WANT TO BE WITH HIM ANYMORE. I AM TIRED OF TAKING CARE OF HIM. I LOVE IT WHEN HE IS SOBER. HE IS STILL PRETTY MUCH THE JOE I MARRIED WHEN HE IS SOBER UNFORTUNALY THAT ISNT VERY OFTEN. I AM LUCKY TO GET HOME BEFORE HE IS TO DRUNK TO MAKE IT TO DINNER. I KNOW THAT MY SON HAS DONE A LOT MORE GROWING UP THAN I DID AT HIS AGE. I DIDN'T HAVE APARENT WITH AN ADDICTION LIKE HE HAS. MY SON LOOKS FORWARD TO MAKING DINNER WITH ME AND TALKING WITH ME ABOUT ALL SORTS OF THINGS AND LATELY ITS BEEN ABOUT SEX! I WISH I COULD JUST SAY GO ASK YOUR FATHER BUT NEVER! SO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT MYSELF. HE IS VERY OPEN WITH ME AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I FEEL SO VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TALKING TO HIM ABOUT ANYTHING. I TRY NOT TO SHOW IT AND ANSWER EVERY Q TRUTHFULLY AND OPENLY AS I CAN. I KNOW I WILL MISS IT ALL WHEN HE GOES TO SCHOOL. I PUT MY HUSBAND THROUGH COLLEGE BY WORKING A VERY STRESSFUL JOB MAKING EXCELLENT MONEY WHILE MY SON WAS AN INFANT AND I SUPPOSE THIS IS THE BEST WAY FOR ME TO MAKE UP ALL THE BABY YEARS I WAS GONE WORKING. IN MANY WAYS THESE LAST FEW YEARS AND BEEN THE WORST AND THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. THE BEST WITH MY SON AND THE WORST WITH MY HUSBAND. HE HAS MISSED HIS SON GROWING UP. I REFUSE TO HAVE ANY MORE WITH HIM. I ALWAYS WANTED A BIG FAMILY BUT REALISED THAT WASNT A GOOD IDEA BEING MARRIED TO A DRUNK. MY SON IS STARTING TO GET A LITTLE BITTER ABOUT HIS DAD NOT HAVING MUCH TO DO WITH HIM. I HAVE TRIED HIS WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT NOT BEING BITTER THAT IS JUST HURTS HIMSELF AND MAKES HIM BLIND TO THE TRUTH. I BELIEVE HAVING AN ADDICT PARENT IF DEALT RIGHT MAKES THE CHILD A LOT MORE COMPASSIONATE AND MORE RESPONSIBLE. I HAVE BEEN CAREFUL NOT TO PUT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF TAKING CARE OF HIS FATHER ON HIS SHOULDERS. I HAVE JUST WANTED HIM TO BE A KID AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HIS FATHERS MESSES. I HAVE TO GET TO WORK... THANX FOR LISTENING.
