The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I couldn't hit a wall with a six-gun, but I can twirl one. It looks good. --John Wayne
Many of us fake emotions because our past experiences never taught us how to use boundaries when dealing with feelings. Now we are oftentimes stumped when it comes to knowing how we should feel or act when we are faced with emotional situations.
Sometimes we need to learn to "fake it till we make it." What is asked of us is to act the part until the part becomes us.
We may not know how to feel anticipation around holidays - but we want to experience joy. We may not know what it feels like to really trust someone, but we would love to be in that position. What we can learn to do is "act as if" - working all the time to liberate the frozen emotions of years gone by - until we actually do experience what we seek.
Like new shoes, my new behaviors and feelings will feel stiff and uncomfortable for a little while. I am willing to live through the "breaking in" period
Just got out of a therapy session; I'm having one of those decompression periods where I feel like my guts got ripped out. I'm at the period in my recovery where my baggage is all unpacked and now I'm learning to live with myself and my baggage on a ODAAT basis, and it's tough. I'm also learning to live with myself and all that life has to offer. And that includes relationships. Romantically, too. Getting dumped--unofficially, officially,--really hurts. The guy that ended it with me recently reminds me that life has a normal side, a side that doesn't involve the insanity that I came to define as normal when I was living with the alcholism. When I sat on the couch for counceling, I admitted how ashamed and embarassed I felt; now I just feel sad, empty and hurt. The facts were, I was able to see because of all of my hard work in recovery, was that the individual wasn't able to give what I wanted: a whole person. He wasn't availible emotionally; I want that in my relationships. He wasn't able to be honest with himself in relationships; that means he can't be honest with me, either. It's okay to be sad, the councelor told me. It's okay to be hurting. These are the so-called "normalcies" of life that 24 y.o's go though Thanks, I think. Doesn't make it easy, or take away the pain, but this too will pass. Being honest with myself and my needs has been the foremost and most wonderful gift al anon has given me. Why I'm espousing my pain and my poor me's here, Idk. But I did want to share, life gets normal. It also feels weird when it does. I'm glad I'm here to share it. Thanks for listening.
Aloha Tiger it is good to have you come home. I laughed good at your John Wayne quote. I know people/members of this program that would have made the "Duke" look like a tenderfoot.
It's good to hear you flex you muscles and admit your vunerability at the same time. That is strong and honest for me. That is what I learned from.
You are so right on with the "new shoes" metaphor hold that one close to your sleeve at the time and memorize it if you haven't already. It's finding the truth as it reveals itself to us and then practicing, practicing practicing always keeping an open mind as the truth is revealed on this ODAAT journey. For me what has deminished the pain so much was learning not to fear it. I learned how to express it and learned how to say a proper "ouch" and I learned how to qualify it's power with "it doesn't feel good and it doesn't kill". Then I learned how to dismiss it and smile as it left. It is valuable to me having my choices as how I want to react to life and then if I really want to. I don't ever use the word normal in my conversations today because normal for me is not normal for you and if I try to understand someone thru the filter of my normal I will miss the lesson and it's value. Ever listen to another person describe their "normal" and want to laugh or get sick? The Cleavers in the program "Leave it to Beaver" lived by a script written by people who wanted to please and be found pleasing. My family didn't relate and I knew no one who did and we never let someone else write our script nor did we honor each others. We were normal because we faked it and never ever talked about reality. You don't do that in an alcoholic family.
You're doing great. I'm glad you checked in. Keep on keeping on. ((((hugs))))
Boundaries....the blessing of learning we have the right to have them. The hope that boundaries can and will help us find what we always knew was missing.
When I became totally willing to avail myself to the real ME my emotions, understanding and realiazations (step 4) felt both like a billion tons lifted from my shoulders and like hitting a brick wall all at the same time.
Finally opening that door was the first time I was able to understand the meaning of the serenity prayer. Odd it seems now looking back, I heard the words, I spoke the words even wrote them... but I had not allowed myself time to listen to the message.
((Hugs)) that you trusted yourself enough to find such courage, in my mind...your healing has just begun.
You have so expressed what I am feeling and have gone thru. I have been dumped unofficially after 30 some years of marriage. Threats of officially being dumped have gone on for over 2 years. I too am ashamed and embarrassed. I am so sad and empty and hurt. I keep asking why and know I shouldn't. My AHsober has always said that he "doesn't have it" and won't get it and will choose to stay in his addictions. So painful for me. Why can't I let go?
It sounds like you have found a good space for yourself. I am definitely fakin' it until I make it. I do go through the motions of a life. I take care of myself. I go to work. I do my best. Acceptance of what is comes slow. Therapy helps. Being in recovery through Alanon is the greatest gift. I want more for myself and will keep trying to follow my HP's plan.
Thanks, I think. Doesn't make it easy, or take away the pain, but this too will pass. 